Joke I found funny...

[bobins]

^^^^^^^^^^^^

The original Turbo Encabulator just keeps on giving - probably because it was engineered so well in the first place

[Gibbo2286]

A woman in her seventies called the police when she believed that her husband, also in his seventies, was dead. A detective showed up with a couple of uniformed cops and a medic team. When they arrived at the house, the woman was standing over her husband slightly in tears. He was lying on the carpeted floor in the living room with a wheel chair also lying on its side next to him. The medic immediately checked the old man’s pulse and confirmed that he was dead.

The detective, after examining the dead man’s body, stood up and gently put his hand on the woman’s shoulder. “Are you all right, ma’am?” “Yes,” she whimpered, still in tears. “You think you can take some questions now?” The woman nodded, still looking as though she couldn’t believe what had just happened. “Did he fall out of his wheelchair, ma’am?” the detective asked. “You might say that,” she replied. “Is that how he died?” he asked. “Oh, no,” she quickly replied. “Oh!” the detective exclaimed. “So you know how he died then? ““Yes,” she said, “he took poison.” The detective looked at the dead man’s body again. “He took poison?”, the detective asked surprisingly. “Then why are all these bruises on his body? Why does it look like he was knocked from his wheelchair?”

The woman looked exasperated and again shook her teary head, “I’M SORRY, DETECTIVE. BUT HE DIDN’T WANT TO TAKE IT!”

[Steve Walsh]

A family decided to try a nudist camping resort for a cheap vacation:
On their first day there their young son went off to explore the site.
Some time later he came back to the tent and said,
"Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls."
"They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well." His mother snaps. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again.
"Mom, You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there."
"They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man." Says his mother.
"Really?" The boy said, frowning and looking puzzled. "Well it looks like we might be in trouble then, Mom."
"Why, honey?" Asks his mom.

Spoiler: show

"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

[mickthemaverick]

You can blame me for this, my own creation:

When asked to sum up the England Cricket team in a few words, this was my reply:
Crawley is poorly
Pope has no hope
Brook cannot hook
Root is a hoot
Stokes only croaks
Smith is a myth
Woakes is a hoax
Carse is an ….
Archer is a Karcher
Bashir’s the cashier
Oh I missed Duckett F****t

[CitroJim]

That Mick, is top quality

[MattBLancs]

Just come up on my Facebook. Definitely not to be confused with Firestone tyres!

Spoiler: show

Really!?!

[Stickyfinger]

Enough Mary’s, wish I’d never started it

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a Tuffet
Eating her Curds and Whey

Down came a Spider
It sat down beside Her
So she squashed it with her Spoon

[CitroJim]

Just come up on my Facebook. Definitely not to be confused with Firestone tyres!

Spoiler: show

Really!?!

So named because they don't give one when going round corners in the wet

[Stickyfinger]

The best way to calm a child at the end of the day is to rock them to sleep.


Although that rather assumes that one has the appropriately sized rocks to hand !

[CitroJim]

That's cruel Alasdair!!!

[Gibbo2286]

Borrowed from the net.
THREE DEAD NUNS ***
Three nuns are driving round London in Ford Puma, Mother Superior at the wheel. Then crash, bang, wallop !! Three dead nuns are now standing at the Pearly Gates.
They give St. Pater a cheery wave; after all, we’re all Brides of Christ. Bound to let us in. No problemo.
“Hold it right there. Not so fast, girls, We’re choc-a-bloc with dead nuns at the moment. You’ll each have to pass an Entrance Exam, graded questions.” explained the gate-keeping Saint.
Nun Number One steps forward : “Now Sister, what did you do in the Convent?”
“I was only a Novice, St Peter.” . . . “Okay: easy novice question for you. Now tell me, Sister, what clothes were Adam and Eve wearing in the Garden of Eden?”
“It was fig leaves, St Peter” . . . “Indeed so. Welcome, Sister, to the Kingdon of Heaven.”
Nun Number Two steps forward : “Now Sister, what did you do in the Convent?”
“Oh, St Peter, I was the Convent Cook.” . . . “Okay. Medium difficult question for you. What fruit did Eve offer Adam in the Garden of Eden?”
“It was an apple, St Peter.” . . . “Indeed so. Welcome, Sister, to the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Nun Number Three steps forward : “Now Sister, and what exactly did you do in the Convent?”
“Oh, St Peter, I was actually the Convent’s Mother Superior.” . . . “Really? Top Dog, eh? Right, a really hard question for you. When Eve saw Adam running towards her in the Garden of Eden, for the very first time, what did she say?”
“Oh, St Peter, er, er . . that really is a hard one!” . . . “Indeed so. Welcome, Sister, to the Kingdom of Heaven.”

[Huskyxantia]

A pal of mine took his new lady friend out on a date then went back to her place for a night cap while he sat there waiting for his coffee he was looking at her vinyl LP collection to which he put them back next to the old record player , she came in and gave him his drink , she noticed he had been looking through her record collection so she picked a few up and went about setting one up to play , my pal asked is that Jonny rotten to which she replied, no I've washed it twice.....lol

[Huskyxantia]

Two bats were hanging up in a cave and one said to the other, 'When I'm older, I hope I don't become incontinent

[Steve Walsh]

Keir Starmer is out jogging and accidentally falls into a river.
Three young lads see the accident and without a second thought jump in and drag out the scared and soaking Starmer.
"Lads, you’ve saved my life and you all deserve a reward. You name it and I'll give it to you,” says Starmer.
First lad says, "I'd like a Holiday to Disneyland."
He says, "Certainly."
Second lad says, "I'd like the new Xbox and a new TV.”
He says, "No Problem."
The third lad says, “I'd like a wheelchair with built in WiFi and stereo attached to it."
Starmer says, "HEY.. But you're Not handicapped".

Spoiler: show

The lad replies, Not yet, but I f**king will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!....

[MattBLancs]

The dangers of using a superscript zero as a degree symbol / sack the checker!

Crudely named adhesive with a crudely checked specification

Spoiler: show

absolute zero is "only" -273 Celsius so "minus 400C" is fair chilly!!