Joke I found funny...

MikeT · Unread post by **MikeT** » 26 Sep 2010, 20:14

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

red_dwarfers · Unread post by **red_dwarfers** » 26 Sep 2010, 20:16

Cheers Mike!
Me and the family liked that one

Xaccers · Unread post by **Xaccers** » 26 Sep 2010, 20:23

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Xaccers · Unread post by **Xaccers** » 27 Sep 2010, 17:13

I've set this thread as sticky so we can use it as a general jokes thread.
So come and tell us your rib ticklers!

red_dwarfers · Unread post by **red_dwarfers** » 27 Sep 2010, 18:28

Rib Ticklers

Trainman · Unread post by **Trainman** » 28 Sep 2010, 20:43

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. ''THAT WAS MY PAGER,'' SHE SAID, ''I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.''

A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED SHE EXPLAINED, ''THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.''

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........''WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.......I'M GETTING A FAX! ''

MikeT · Unread post by **MikeT** » 29 Sep 2010, 11:15

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

Thank goodness Facebook is back up.

I had to phone 247 of my friends to tell them 'I hate work, I'm having a glass of wine and going to bed, lol'. It took me all night!

Unread post by **CitroJim** » 29 Sep 2010, 11:56

MikeT wrote: Thank goodness Facebook is back up.

I had to phone 247 of my friends to tell them 'I hate work, I'm having a glass of wine and going to bed, lol'. It took me all night!

Mike, that's brilliant and so bloody true

Thanks for that!

Deanxm · Unread post by **Deanxm** » 30 Sep 2010, 19:04

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight , "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution.

Next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight ". He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with
that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. s**t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Unread post by **CitroJim** » 30 Sep 2010, 19:29

Dean, that's one of the best jokes I've heard for ages and ages

Deanxm · Unread post by **Deanxm** » 30 Sep 2010, 19:37

it was stolen of course, from a guy on travian, but yes it made me laugh!

D

red_dwarfers · Unread post by **red_dwarfers** » 30 Sep 2010, 19:44

Thats a good point actually, I've never known anyone actually make up a joke, they're always copied from somewhere else. Reminds me of that episode of Family Guy where Peter and all go off in search of the source of all the worlds dirty jokes

Unread post by **CitroJim** » 30 Sep 2010, 19:49

That's very profound for a Thursday evening Kev

Bloody true though..

Deanxm · Unread post by **Deanxm** » 30 Sep 2010, 19:54

, i could make one up right now if you wanted, no one would laugh though so i doubt there is much point

D

Xaccers · Unread post by **Xaccers** » 30 Sep 2010, 20:19

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As
they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they
felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop
was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided
to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with,
so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself
and discarded them. The second not finding anything either,
thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used
the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each
other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to
be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no
good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with
a card stuck to her ass that read, 'From all of us at the
Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."....