Joke I found funny...

[Gibbo2286]

A farmer called at the garage to have his truck fixed.They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn't repair it while he waited.

He told the mechanics that he didn't live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem.How to carry his purchases home.Whilst he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, “can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, ‘well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to this house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “why don't you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand.”

“Well, thank you very much.That works just fine,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, “let's take my usual shortcut and go down this alley.We'll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, “I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.How do I know that when we get in the alleyway, you won't have your wicked way with me?”

The farmer said with some irritation, “holy smokes, lady, I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world would I do that?”

The old lady said, “well, set the goose down, cover him with a bucket, put a can of paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the bloody chickens.”

[Stickyfinger]

Chinese guy was on holiday in England - Each time that he cashed a 1,000 yen travellers cheque he was given a different amount of £s.
On the third occasion he asked the bank teller 'why do I not get the same amount as before?'
The bank teller said 'Fluctuations, sir'}~

The Chinese guy said ...........

Spoiler: show

' And fluct u Eulopeans too'.

[Steve Walsh]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign that says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 mi’ and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right' his curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door saying, 'Sisters of Mercy'.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?’
'He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.
''Very well, my son. Please follow me.’
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.’
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He then trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.

Spoiler: show

The sign says ‘Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.’

[Hell Razor5543]

I had a really nice date yesterday. Today I think I'll try an apple.

[CitroJim]

I had a really nice date yesterday. Today I think I'll try an apple.

I love these one-liners James They perfectly match my attention-span

If a joke is any longer I loose the will and it becomes a case of TL:DR

[Stickyfinger]

I posted a picture of myself in my underpants on the internet, and someone used AI to put some clothes on me......

[myglaren]

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was:

"Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

[Hell Razor5543]

While most people have heard of Karl Marx, not many know that he had a sister (Onya), who was an exceptional long distance runner. Her name is mentioned at the start of almost every race.

[myglaren]

I asked my wife, “If sneezing a lot means you’re sneezy, and sleeping a lot means you’re sleepy… what’s the word for someone who’s coughing a lot?”
Wife: “Coughy?” Me: “Yes please. milk with two sugars.”

[Stickyfinger]

Was chatting to the guy who I hired to redecorate my house. Turned out he was British Airways pilot making a few extra pounds on his rest days.

He made a lovely job of the landing but he spent waaaaay too much time in the lounge.

[Stickyfinger]

A guy was sitting by his very sick wife's bedside.


She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."


"Shhh" he said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything will be alright."


"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"


"I know," he whispered softly,

Spoiler: show

"That's why I poisoned you."

[Gibbo2286]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head, and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

[CitroJim]

My new Chinese girlfriend says she's opening a Crow's Shop...

“You mean a clothes shop..."

"No, come and take a rook."

[Gibbo2286]

Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a big deep hole. ‘Wow … that looks deep,’ says one. ‘Let’s toss a few pebbles in and see how deep it is.’ They threw in a few pebbles and waited, but there was no sound. ‘Gee – that is a really deep hole. Let’s throw one of these big rocks in. That should make a noise.’ They picked up two football-sized rocks and tossed them into the hole and waited, but still they heard nothing. ‘There’s a railway sleeper over here in the weeds,’ said one. ‘If we toss that in, it’s definitely going to make some noise.’ They dragged the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heaved it in, but not a sound came from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appeared, running like the wind. It rushed towards the two men and ran right between them, running as fast as its legs could go. Then it leaped into the air and disappeared into the hole. The two men stood there, astonished at what they’d just seen. Out of the woods came a farmer who said, ‘Hey! Did you guys see my goat?’ ‘You bet we did! It was the craziest thing we’ve ever seen! It came running like the wind out of the woods and jumped into that hole!’ ‘Nah,’ says the farmer. ‘That couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railway sleeper!’

[Gibbo2286]

I like puns about eyes the cornea the better.