Joke I found funny...

[Steve Walsh]

An irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

Spoiler: show

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

[Gibbo2286]

A very large woman in a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar. She raised her right arm revealing a very hairy armpit as she pointed at all the people in the bar and said, "What man here is going to buy a lady a drink?"

The bar fell silent as everyone tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar a drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and shouted, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured a drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned round, raised her arm again revealing the same hairy armpit and pointing at all the patrons in the bar as she said, "What man here is going to buy a lady another drink?"

The bar again fell silent but the same old drunk at the end of the bar yelled, "Give the ballerina another drink!" and slammed his money down on the counter.

The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Look mate, it's your business if you want to buy that woman a drink but why do you keep call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina"

[Gibbo2286]

Recently, I spent $60,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I left him with the herd, but he was only eating grass and didn’t even look at a cow.

I was starting to think I had paid more than he was worth. Anyway… I asked the veterinarian to come and check him.

He told me the bull was very healthy, maybe a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once a day.

The bull started impregnating the cows in two days… all my cows! He even broke the fence and bred with all my neighbour’s cows! He’s like a machine!

I don’t know what was in the pills the vet gave him… but they taste like mint.

[Vic Evans]

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids".

[Gibbo2286]

A young Irish lass goes to confession. She says, “Father, I was terribly sinful last night. I was out with me boyfriend. We kissed and cuddled and made love five times.”

The priest says, “Go home, take seven lemons, squeeze the juices into a glass and drink it.”

She says, “Will that remove the sin away from my soul.”

The priest says, “No, but it'll take the smile off your face.”

[Stickyfinger]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."

The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell to the undertaker they want Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"


A diplomat replies:

Spoiler: show

"Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."

[Steve Walsh]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest nearly fell over — Murphy had never been to church in his entire life.
After Mass, the priest caught up to him.
“Murphy, I’m so glad you came! What brought you here?”
Murphy said, “Well, Father… I misplaced me hat, and I really love that hat. I knew McGlynn had one just like it, and he comes to church every Sunday. I figured he’d take it off during Mass and leave it in the back. So I planned to slip out after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest raised an eyebrow. “But you didn’t steal it. What changed your mind?”
Murphy said, “After hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I realized I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”
With a tear in his eye, the priest smiled.
“Ah… so when I preached ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ you decided you’d rather go without a hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy shook his head.

Spoiler: show

“No, Father. When you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’… I remembered where I left me hat.”

[myglaren]

This is a story of a chance meeting between two seminal humorists. It took place in Italy during WWII.

A large field gun was being set up on the brow of a hill. It broke loose and rolled, at a rate of knots, down the slope, narrowly missing a tent where a signaller was preparing to make a signal.

A gunner, in a tin hat ran after the gun, and looked into the tent of the shocked signaller.

“Have you seen a gun?” asked the helmeted idiot, as several tons of gun continued to bounce away.

“What colour was it?” came the reply from the signaller.

The gunner was Spike Milligan, and the signaller Harry Secombe. This was the start of a lifetime friendship and comic partnership.

[Stickyfinger]

This Christmas, please spare a thought for the many thousands of dwarfs struggling to put food on the table...

[Gibbo2286]

A cowboy in a bar spots a beautiful girl.
He gives her a quick glance and then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[Stickyfinger]

A mum was cleaning her son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear & fetish mags.

She asked her husband: “What do we do?” .

Husband said:

Spoiler: show

“I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t spank him!"

[CitroJim]

^^^

[Hell Razor5543]

Sheryl Crow and Russell Crowe walk into a bar. A barman phones the police and says "I'd like to report an attempted murder!".

[Hell Razor5543]

I was out running earlier today when I hit a lamppost. Fortunately I only sustained light injuries.

[CitroJim]

I was out running earlier today when I hit a lamppost. Fortunately I only sustained light injuries.

That's a cracker James