Joke I found funny...

[Steve Walsh]

The Madam opened the brothel door in Belfast and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties:
“May I help you sir?” She asked.
The man replied. “I want to see Rosie.”
“Sir, Rosie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.
He replied. “No, I must see Rosie.”
Just then, Rosie appeared and announced to the man she charged £10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand pounds and gave it to Rosie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Rosie. Rosie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still £10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Rosie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Rosie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Rosie said to the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied. “Falls Road .”
“Really.” She said. “I have family on the Falls Road.”

Spoiler: show

“I know.” The man said. “Your sister died and I am her Solicitor. She asked me to give you your £30,000 inheritance.”

[Gibbo2286]

A lady goes to her parish priest
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[CitroJim]

^^

[mickthemaverick]

Lifted from Neighbourhood Watch:

In other news I have had to shut down my internet dating site for chickens

I just cant make hens meet

[myglaren]

As with some previous ones, this is not exactly a joke but very amusing nonetheless.

"Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension.

The letter read,
“Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,
We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366. Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Army Paymaster”


Col Maclaren replied;
“Dear Paymaster,
Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month. I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”

A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col Maclaren’s letter box, it read:

“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,
We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month. We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.

However,
We also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton)
The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland)
The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War)
The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade)
The Boer War (1899 -1902).
We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:
9765 Cannon
26,785 Swords
12,889 Pikes
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted)
Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.
WE have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518,119.47p. WE have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course".

[Karata]

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking.
Apparently, the correct terms are Cremation and Burial.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther.
I am told the correct term is bulldozer operator.

The Coast Guard fined my wife and I for having sex in the ocean.
Apparently, off-shore drilling isn't permitted in our area.

[CitroJim]

^^^

[Hell Razor5543]

Recently I was helping a friend to build a fence. We first set out to drive in all of the fence posts. A few days later I woke up in hospital, wondering what happened. The last thing I remember was telling him "When I nod my head, hit it".

[Gibbo2286]

Another 'borrowed' one.

A little old lady went to buy cat food.
She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
So the lady went home, brought in her cat, and was sold the cat food. . .
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog, and was sold the dog food. . .
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out, and exclaimed, "That smells like crap."
The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy eight rolls of toilet paper."

[Karata]

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that argument.

[Gibbo2286]

I had a tree I wanted removed ,because it was to close to the house.
I called a tree guy and he came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree.
He ask me what I thought and I said it was nice but what about the stump ?....
He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, If I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.
I found a highly recommend "stump" guy and he came and got the stump out......He says there you go...I ask him about the hole.....
He says I'm a stump guy I just remove stumps, I don't fill in the hole......Long story short , He told me I would need to call a Landscaper.....
.I get a hold of a landscaper and I tell him I'm fixing to leave town on a trip and I don't care what he does, Just fix the hole and make it look nice.

I get back today and find out it he planted a friggin tree...

[mickthemaverick]

Echoes of Flanders and Swann's "The Gas Man Cometh" there Gibbo!!

[Stickyfinger]

[Paul-R]

In that case you force me to post this again.

[MattBLancs]

Taken from Google search
https://images.app.goo.gl/vA12q