Joke I found funny...

[Stickyfinger]

An American Indian introduced me to his wife
"This is 4 horses"
I replied "Wow, what a beautiful name. What does it mean?"


nag nag nag nag

[Stickyfinger]

[Paul-R]

Just heard this one on Radio 4 Extra:

Why did Sellafield get a nuclear reprocessing plant and Greenwich the Millennium Dome?
Because Sellafield had a choice.

[Steve Walsh]

A police officer pulled over a minivan that was crawling along the road at just 25 miles per hour, causing quite the backup in mid-day traffic.
Inside was an elderly gentleman behind the wheel, and a group of older ladies sitting silently, looking like statues—wide-eyed and clutching their purses for dear life.
The officer leaned in and asked, “Sir, is there a reason you’re driving so slowly?”
The man replied, “Well, officer, I’m just following the speed limit. The sign back there said 25!”
Trying not to chuckle, the officer shook his head. “Sir, that’s not the speed limit—that’s the highway number. You’re on Route 25. The speed limit here is 65.”
“Oh!” said the old man, eyes wide. “Well that explains a lot…”
The officer glanced around the van and noticed the elderly passengers looking extremely tense—stiff as boards and pale as ghosts.
He leaned in again. “Is everyone okay? The ladies look... a little shaken.”
The driver scratched his head awkwardly and said,

Spoiler: show

“Well, officer... we just got off Highway 150.”

[myglaren]

A father passing by his son's bedroom
Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Josh

Spoiler: show

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

[Gibbo2286]

Borrowed from MSN today.
-------------------------------------------------

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demands.

‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he says.

‘The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!’

The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

‘Is this the Golden Saloon?’ she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

‘Yes it is,’ bartender answers.

‘Do you have huge golden doors?’

‘Sure do.’ ‘Do you have golden floors?’

‘Most certainly do.’

‘What about golden urinals?’

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,

‘Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!’

[Hell Razor5543]

Jonathon, a gynaecologist of 30 years, decides he has enough money to retire and do something different with his life. He takes a course in motor mechanics, with the final exam being a practical one. While the others taking the exam complete their task well within the allotted time, Jonathon take the full six hours. A few days later the class get their results, and Jonathon has scored 150%. He asks his tutor how he managed to achieve such a score.

"Well", says the tutor, "I scored you 50% for taking the engine apart so neatly and tidily, and another 50% for putting it back properly".

"And the other 50%?", asks Jonathon.

Spoiler: show

"That was for doing all that through the exhaust pipe!" relied the tutor.

[Stickyfinger]

Pedantic mode:

Jonathon would be a Proctologist if it was via the "exhaust pipe"

[CitroJim]

Pedantic mode:

Jonathon would be a Proctologist

That's a bit of a sh*****y job if ever there was one

[Karata]

I tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day and talk some sense into a much younger me... I got the date wrong.
---
A couple just married were happy with.... the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing...
---
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex.
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."
He said: "That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

[Gibbo2286]

Another borrowed one:
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[Gibbo2286]

An elderly man walks into a bar, sits down at a table and, when the waitress comes to take his order, asks for 3 Guiness. She brings the beers and he proceeds to drink them and orders 3 more. The waitress says, “If you'd like I can bring these to you one at a time so they stay cold longer.”

The man says, “No m’ lady. Ya see my brothers and I used to drink together back in Ireland, but as we got older we 3 went our separate ways. I moved here to America, my older brother stayed in Eire and our younger brother moved to Australia. But we wanted to keep the tradition alive, so once a week we go to a local pub and drink ”together”.”

The waitress said, “That sounds like a fine way to honor your brothers. I'll get your drinks.” The man proceeds to drink 3 rounds, pays the waitress and leaves a nice tip, then staggers out of the bar back home.

This continues for several years. The man always ordering his 3 beers per round, 3 rounds and he's off, until one day the man comes in and only orders 2 beers.

The waitress, knowing all about his tradition and having heard many stories about his brothers over the years, is worried. With the mans advanced age, she assumes one of his brothers must have passed. As she's delivering his second round of drinks she says, “I'm so sorry for your loss.” The man looks at her slightly confused. The waitress says, “ Well I know about your custom of drinking with your brothers, but you only ordered 2 beers so I assume something happened to one of them.” The mans face softens and a smile forms as he says, “No, no lass, me brothers are fine. I just quit drinking.

[Steve Walsh]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says,

Spoiler: show

"Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

[Steve Walsh]

After moving to the U.S., a Chinese doctor struggled to find work in a hospital. So, he opened a small clinic with a clever sign out front:
“Treatment for $20 — If not cured, get $100 back!”
One day, an American lawyer saw the sign and thought, “What a scam… but hey, easy money!” He walked in confidently.
Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22. Three drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer: “Bleh! That’s kerosene!”
Doctor: “Congratulations — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”
Annoyed but determined, the lawyer returned a few days later.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, Box No. 22 again. Three drops.”
Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!”
Doctor: “Wonderful — your memory’s back! That’ll be $20.”
Now thoroughly frustrated, the lawyer made one last attempt to win.
Lawyer: “My eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!”
Doctor: “I’m sorry. I don’t have a cure for that. Here’s your $100.”
The doctor handed him a $20 bill.
Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute… this is just $20!”
Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”

[Stickyfinger]

Bloke says to his wife "I think you're right"

She says "I didn't say anything, yet"

Bloke "I'm just trying to save time"