Joke I found funny...

[MattBLancs]

Or an alternative to the old tongue twister: she sells shoe shades by the sea shore ?

[Karata]

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble…

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home".

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable"."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable"?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very, very slowly... Syllable... com-for-da-bul"

[Steve Walsh]

An old cowboy moseyed into a Starbucks and ordered himself a cup of coffee. He found a seat, tipped his hat back, and started sipping.
Not long after, a young woman sat down beside him and asked, “Excuse me, are you a real cowboy?”
The old man thought for a moment and said, “Well ma’am, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, herding cattle, fixing fences, branding calves, mending tractors, sleeping under the stars, and wrangling just about everything on four legs. So yeah, I reckon I am.”
The young woman nodded and said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend most of my day thinking about women. I wake up thinking about women, I shower thinking about women, I eat, watch TV, work—no matter what I’m doing, I’m always thinking about women.”
The cowboy tipped his hat politely, and they both sat in silence sipping their drinks.
A little while later, another man came along, sat on the other side of the cowboy, and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

Spoiler: show

The old man looked up and said, “Well... I thought I was. But turns out... I might actually be a lesbian.”

[Lighteater]

Two dyslexic skiers are at the top of the slope on their first day, and one starts fretting and cursing.

"Ahhhh, NO! Dammit. I can't believe it. No, no Noooooo!!"

"What's wrong with you?" asks his friend.

"Look, I don't know about you, but I can't now remember whether we're supposed to zig-zag down the slope, or zag-zig."

"Oh, bloody hell. Neither can I. Tell you what, I'll go ask that bloke over there."

So he shuffles awkwardly on his skis across to the third man and says to him, "Sorry to bother you, mate, but me and him, we're dyslexic, and we can't remember whether we're meant to zig-zag down the slope, or zag-zig down."

"There's no point asking me," says the man, "I'm a tobogganist."

"Ah, well, in that case, give me twenty Benson and Hedges and a box of matches."

[Stickyfinger]

Very good Lighteater

[CitroJim]

Very good Lighteater

I agree, of the very highest quality

[Karata]

“Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it.”
Thomas Beecham (to a lady chellist)
---
Thomas Beecham was once visited in his dressing room after a concert by an attractive young lady admirer.
"Sir Thomas" she asked, "I've been a fan of yours for years. I wonder would you be so kind as to consider being the godfather of my child"
"Madam" he replied, "I'd be delighted. But... why bring God into it?"

[Stickyfinger]

Down the local pub today, very drunk and not bought a round yet !.....my mates saying I am a tight arse, so to show them I wasn't, I bought them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each

[Stickyfinger]

A Bishop has a bad car accident and is taken to hospital where he is in a coma for several weeks.

When he wakes up he asks "Oh Lord...am I in Heaven ?"

No sir said the hospital Porter, we are just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.

[CitroJim]

^^^ To both of those Alasdair, especially the second one

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

I envy those people who age gracefully, like a fine wine maturing well. Myself; I am like milk; getting sour and a bit chunky!

[CitroJim]

Yea, but at least you'll have culture James

[Stickyfinger]

Yea, but at least you'll have culture James

but smell of old cheese

[CitroJim]

Yea, but at least you'll have culture James

but smell of old cheese

Yes, but old and cultured cheese