"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
In 1986, John Reid was on Safari in Kenya after graduating from Trinity College Dublin.
On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.
The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments. John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.
Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing. The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same ******* elephant.
This is for everyone who posts bullshit heart warming stories on Facebook that mostly aren't true anyway
A British couple is walking down a street in Tenerife...
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'Billy's Bar - ALL drinks €0.10'
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
They order a pint of lager and a cocktail, and sure enough, once the drinks are on the bar, the English bartender says, “That'll be 20 cents, please.”
The couple can't believe their luck. They finish their drinks and order the same again. Sure enough, the drinks are poured, and the barman says, “That'll be 20 cents, please.”
Curiosity gets the better of them, and the woman asks the barman how he can afford to sell drinks so cheaply.
The bartender says, "It was always my dream to own a bar in Tenerife, and last year I won £104 million on the Euro Millions, so I opened this bar, and I've got enough money that I don't have to worry about making any profit."
Happy with the story, the couple congratulate him and order another round of drinks.
As the man is supping his beer, he can't help notice three old blokes sat in the corner without a drink in front of them who've been sat there without a drink the whole time they've been in.
"What's the deal with them three over there?' the man asks the bartender.
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr Macron!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Macron replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Macron paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Jaysus!!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Macron asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy’s farm tractor."
Macron sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I’ll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings the next day again. "Mr Macron, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls the next day again. "Well, good mornin’, Mr Macron, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Macron. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fokin’ way we can feed 200000 prisoners.
Last edited by Karata on 25 Mar 2025, 12:18, edited 1 time in total.
Karata wrote: 25 Mar 2025, 06:17
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
---
_______
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no (-expletive removed-)’ way we can feed 200000 prisoners.
James ex BX 1.9
ex Xantia 2.0HDi SX
ex Xantia 2.0HDi LX
ex C5 2.0HDi VTR
ex C5 2.0HDi VTR
ex C5 2.2HDi VTX+
Yes, I am paranoid, but am I paranoid ENOUGH?
Out amongst the stars, looking for a world of my own!
