Joke I found funny...

This is the place for posts that don't fit into any other category.

Moderator: RichardW

Post Reply
User avatar
bobins
Donor 2023
Posts: 5697
Joined: 05 Jul 2012, 18:07
Location: Midhurst, West Sussex
My Cars: Kia Sportage
Mazda BT-50
Land Rover SIII SWB
V-F-R800
SL320
MX5
x 2871

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by bobins »

We used to have a saying at work : "That's good enough for government work". :lol:
Sadly no longer a C5 owner :(
Steve Walsh
Donor 2023
Posts: 448
Joined: 25 Oct 2019, 07:20
Location: SW France
My Cars: C5 Aircross 2021 VR7**************[VIN obfuscated, can be read by forum staff]**************[VIN obfuscated, can be read by forum staff]
Kawasaki ZR1100 1994
C4 Hatchback
Yamaha XVS650A 2001
x 361

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

Fresh from her shower, she stood in front of the mirror, complaining to me that her boobs are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion.

"If you want your boobs to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her boobs.

How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," I replied.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my boobs every day will make my boobs larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat I said: ''It Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

I am still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again.
Thanx to Marc and all the admins & knowledgeable people that make this the best forum on the interweb. =D> =D> =D>
Steve Walsh
Donor 2023
Posts: 448
Joined: 25 Oct 2019, 07:20
Location: SW France
My Cars: C5 Aircross 2021 VR7**************[VIN obfuscated, can be read by forum staff]**************[VIN obfuscated, can be read by forum staff]
Kawasaki ZR1100 1994
C4 Hatchback
Yamaha XVS650A 2001
x 361

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line-up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

Spoiler: show
He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.
Thanx to Marc and all the admins & knowledgeable people that make this the best forum on the interweb. =D> =D> =D>
User avatar
myglaren
Forum Admin Team
Posts: 25364
Joined: 02 Mar 2008, 13:30
Location: Washington
My Cars: Mazda 6
Ooops.
Previously:
2009 Honda Civic :(
C5, C5, Xantia, BX, GS, Visa.
R4, R11TXE, R14, R30TX
x 4888

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

going to shop.jpg
Going to the shops. Anyone want anything?
Online
Hell Razor5543
Donor 2023
Posts: 13726
Joined: 01 Apr 2012, 09:47
Location: Reading
My Cars: C5 Mk2 VTX+ estate.
x 2993

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Ah, you have met my brother Lee, with his survivalist equipment then?
James
ex BX 1.9
ex Xantia 2.0HDi SX
ex Xantia 2.0HDi LX
Ex C5 2.0HDi VTR
Ex C5 2.0HDi VTR

C5 2.2HDi VTX+
Yes, I am paranoid, but am I paranoid ENOUGH?
Out amongst the stars, looking for a world of my own!
Steve Walsh
Donor 2023
Posts: 448
Joined: 25 Oct 2019, 07:20
Location: SW France
My Cars: C5 Aircross 2021 VR7**************[VIN obfuscated, can be read by forum staff]**************[VIN obfuscated, can be read by forum staff]
Kawasaki ZR1100 1994
C4 Hatchback
Yamaha XVS650A 2001
x 361

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
Spoiler: show
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Thanx to Marc and all the admins & knowledgeable people that make this the best forum on the interweb. =D> =D> =D>
Online
Hell Razor5543
Donor 2023
Posts: 13726
Joined: 01 Apr 2012, 09:47
Location: Reading
My Cars: C5 Mk2 VTX+ estate.
x 2993

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

What do you get if you cross Donald J Trump with a gorilla?
Spoiler: show
It will never happen. There are some things even a gorilla will not do.
James
ex BX 1.9
ex Xantia 2.0HDi SX
ex Xantia 2.0HDi LX
Ex C5 2.0HDi VTR
Ex C5 2.0HDi VTR

C5 2.2HDi VTX+
Yes, I am paranoid, but am I paranoid ENOUGH?
Out amongst the stars, looking for a world of my own!
User avatar
myglaren
Forum Admin Team
Posts: 25364
Joined: 02 Mar 2008, 13:30
Location: Washington
My Cars: Mazda 6
Ooops.
Previously:
2009 Honda Civic :(
C5, C5, Xantia, BX, GS, Visa.
R4, R11TXE, R14, R30TX
x 4888

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

IMG_20210117_203216.jpg
User avatar
Paul-R
Donor 2023
Posts: 6916
Joined: 07 May 2009, 16:24
Location: Wirral, NW England; Vaucluse 84, France
Lexia Available: Yes
My Cars: 2015 1.6 Blue HDi 120 Peugeot 308 Active SW
2013 2.0 HDi 163 C5 Exclusive Tourer
2003 2.0 HDi 110 C5 Exclusive Estate (Gone)
2001 2.0 HDi 90 Xsara Estate (Gone)
x 1369

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

Print it out and tick them off.

Image
As I get older I think a lot about the hereafter - I go into a room and then wonder what I'm here after.

Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" ~ Homer J Simpson​
Online
Hell Razor5543
Donor 2023
Posts: 13726
Joined: 01 Apr 2012, 09:47
Location: Reading
My Cars: C5 Mk2 VTX+ estate.
x 2993

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Have you heard that Vladimir Putin has just told the The Bank of Moscow to launch a new credit card. It is meant to be Russia's equivalent of The American Express Card. It even has a similar slogan;
Spoiler: show
"American Express Card; Don't leave home without it."

"Russian Express Card; Don't leave home."
James
ex BX 1.9
ex Xantia 2.0HDi SX
ex Xantia 2.0HDi LX
Ex C5 2.0HDi VTR
Ex C5 2.0HDi VTR

C5 2.2HDi VTX+
Yes, I am paranoid, but am I paranoid ENOUGH?
Out amongst the stars, looking for a world of my own!
User avatar
myglaren
Forum Admin Team
Posts: 25364
Joined: 02 Mar 2008, 13:30
Location: Washington
My Cars: Mazda 6
Ooops.
Previously:
2009 Honda Civic :(
C5, C5, Xantia, BX, GS, Visa.
R4, R11TXE, R14, R30TX
x 4888

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

139286308_10158112418919773_5636617932840114720_n.jpg
BB2B28BF-ECE0-4458-9CC5-2A279B6140CD.thumb.jpeg.45f0ed071453cc2d17547a4a0317fd26.jpeg
1610706284347.png
User avatar
CitroJim
A very naughty boy
Posts: 49526
Joined: 30 Apr 2005, 23:33
Location: Paggers
My Cars: Bluebell the AX, Polly the C3 Picasso, Pix the Nissan Pixo, Propel the duathlon bike, TCR Pro the road bike and Fuji the TT bike...
x 6159
Contact:

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

^^^ :lol: Loving the cartoon, very clever :)
Jim

Runner, cyclist, time triallist, duathlete, Citroen AX fan and the CCC Citroenian 'From A to Z' Columnist...
User avatar
white exec
Moderating Team
Posts: 7445
Joined: 21 Dec 2015, 12:46
Location: Sayalonga, Malaga, Spain
My Cars: 1996 XM 2.5TD Exclusive hatch RHD
1992 BX19D Millesime hatch LHD
previously 1989 BX19RD, 1998 ZX 1.9D auto, 2001 Xantia 1.8i auto
and lots of Rovers before that: 1935 Ten, 1947 Sixteen, 1960 P5 3-litre, 1966 P6 2000, 1972 P6 2000TC, and 1975 P6B 3500S
x 1752

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by white exec »

It's snowing really hard now.
All the wife's done is to gaze through the window.
If it comes down any harder, I'll have to let her in.
Chris
User avatar
Huskyxantia
Donor 2023
Posts: 1949
Joined: 30 Jul 2018, 22:11
Location: Surrey Kent sussex border
My Cars: Past cars
Xsara Picasso 2019 to 2022 r.i.p
Xantia mk1&2 1.9D & 2.0Hdi
Peugeot 206 sw 1.4hdi
Other models
Skoda fabia,escort van,ford ka,Vauxhall astra g car & estate, Vauxhall corsa b, Suzuki swift
Escorts mk 1,2,3,4,5 fiestas mk 1,2, Sierra diesel mk1 Mondeo mk1 diesel .
Peugeot 207 , 307sw

Now cars
Picasso 2.0Hdi now gone to scrappie
Citroen zx estate 1.9D the cherished one
Peugeot 206cc raised from the dead & saved from the crusher traded up to a 308cc
307sw traded for the 207 .

Wish list.
Peugeot 405 diesel
106 or 206
Mondeo Mk1 diesel once owned 1.8tdi was real nice.
x 398

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Huskyxantia »

Took my wife out for a special meal a while back was given the chef's special which was suggested by the waiter, octopus!

Four hours after ordering it finally arrived at the table , the waiter said so sorry its taken so long it kept turning the gas off
Husky. :?
Steve Walsh
Donor 2023
Posts: 448
Joined: 25 Oct 2019, 07:20
Location: SW France
My Cars: C5 Aircross 2021 VR7**************[VIN obfuscated, can be read by forum staff]**************[VIN obfuscated, can be read by forum staff]
Kawasaki ZR1100 1994
C4 Hatchback
Yamaha XVS650A 2001
x 361

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the path.
Noticing this, a copper stops her, and says, " excuse me, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Bloody hell" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the copper "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium car park. On match days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my beautiful flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some bloke sticks his Nudger through the fence, I say, '£20 or off it comes." "Well, that seems only fair." laughs the copper. "OK? Good Luck!"
"Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
Spoiler: show
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everyone pays"
Thanx to Marc and all the admins & knowledgeable people that make this the best forum on the interweb. =D> =D> =D>
Post Reply