Joke I found funny...

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doctle
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by doctle »

My mate was telling me he bought a Vectra 1.9 diesel. It's very fast he said, I can go down the road like Insane Bolt...

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,"Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows and best of all, we can play rugby all we want and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
Spoiler: show
"You're in the team for Saturday."

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Pharmacist

Post by Karata »

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."... She then told her husband what the pharmacist said to her.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more then a word or two, the pharmacist said, "Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house and the house and car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store, there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

I had to break open a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. ... Honest, Mister, all I did was tell her!"

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

Peter.N.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Peter.N. »

:-D

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white exec
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by white exec »

Lovely! :-D

Gibbo2286
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

Nelly lived close to her doctor and called in almost every day with some ailment or other,

Nelly died followed a few days later by her doctor

Lying in his coffin the doctor heard tapping noises, "who's that?"

"It's Nelly."

"What the hell Nelly, what's wrong now."

"Doctor, I think I've got worms."

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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

I was just reminded of George Mikes. It is years since I have thought of or heard anything of him.

Some quotes

An example:
“There are various, centuries-old, true British traditions to secure this aim.

1. All orders and directives to the public are worded in such a way that they should have no meaning whatever.
2. All official letters are written in such a language that the oracles of Delphi sound as examples of clear, outspoken, straightforward statements compared with them.
3. Civil Servants never make decisions, they only promise to ‘consider,’ — ‘consider favourably’ — or — and this is the utmost — ‘reconsider’ certain questions.
4. In principle the British Civil Servant stands always at the disposal of the public. In practice he is either in ‘conference’ or out for lunch, or in but having his tea, or just out. Some develop an admirable technique of going out for tea before coming back from lunch.”
― George Mikes, How To Be A Brit

Gibbo2286
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

This one made me grin.

“While all this goes on, the English remain staunch believers in equality. Equality is a notion the English have given to humanity. Equality means that you are just as good as the next man but the next man is not half as good as you are.”
― George Mikes, How To Be A Brit

Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Roses are dead,
Violets are dead,
Everything is dead,
Jeez, I'm terrible at gardening!

Lilies are red,
Roses are blue,
Daffodils are pink,
How did you know I was colour blind?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Storm Dennis paid a visit,
Now I've no idea where they are!

Steve Walsh
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive.
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."

Gibbo2286
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

That's been around since I was a fifteen year old in the garage Steve. :) I think it was about Aneurin Bevan in those days. :-D

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Paul-R
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

Haha, yes. And even this incarnation is showing its age.

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'
Spoiler: show
I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear . He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.