Joke I found funny...

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Pug_XUD_KeenAmateur
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Pug_XUD_KeenAmateur »

I often avoid something that is titled as "funniest ever" or similar, so I'm glad I made an exception for this.

A 1970's street scene too.

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NewcastleFalcon
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by NewcastleFalcon »

Not re-looked at it yet but looks like the £10 note under the wheel of the beetle, and the cafe punters watching :-D

Thats the one! good stuff.

Regards Neil
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

Many years ago on a long transatlantic flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crewmen.

She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

The next one was asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew.

She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fu*king advice, he'll ask me."
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Heisenberg, Shrodinger, and Ohm are in a car together when they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asked him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."

The cop says, "You were going 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws his hands up and exclaims, "Great, now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk of the car. He checks it out, and asks, "Did you know you have a dead cat back here?"

Shrodinger shouts, "We do now, moron!"

The cop moves to arrest them all. Ohm resists.
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NewcastleFalcon
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by NewcastleFalcon »

Reminded me of a nasty situation at "The Pickled Egg"
The Pickled Egg played host to a "stag" party of 6 local geeks, and I have to say our Bar staff handled the situation in their usual diplomatic fashion, and deserve a great deal of credit.

In trooped the geeks with their stag party T-Shirts on, Helium, followed by his mates Argon, Xenon, Neon, Radon, and Krypton bringing up the rear.

Could have developed into a nasty situation, so the Barman pointed out Pickled Egg policy, politely but firmly.

"I'm sorry we don't serve noble gases in here"

Luckily there was no reaction.
Regards Neil
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New Chemist's Assistant

Post by Karata »

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine, but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away...

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap. Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
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Dumbest kid

Post by Karata »

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

The landlord of a pub is taking his German Shepherd for a walk (OK, let us call the dog "Rover") in the countryside one fine autumn day. The dog sees a rabbit and gives chase. Unfortunately the rabbit runs into a corn field that is being harvested. While the rabbit survives the dog freezes, not knowing what to do, and the combine harvester hits him. All they can find of Rover is his luxurious tail, which the barman has embalmed and placed in a frame (well, he loved his dog).

At midnight on the first anniversary of the death of Rover the barman is woken by an unearthly howling. He sees the ghost of Rover at the foot of his bed, minus his tail. "Why are you here, Rover?" asks the barman in a shaky voice. "I am in Purgatory" replies Rover "because I am incomplete. Without my tail I cannot enter either Heaven or Hell. Please release me from my agony, and let me have my tail". "But, Rover, if I do that I will be breaking the rules, lose my job and home, and be penniless" the barman answers. Rover leaves mournfully.

This happens each anniversary, until the tenth one. On this occasion Rover turns up with a friend. This friend is Cerberus.

(We have all heard of Cerberus, the three headed hound who guards the gateway into Hell. Even Satan (technically his owner) is terrified of him. You know the scientists believe an asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs? They are wrong; Cerberus got out and went on a hunt. Up until recently he used to enjoy stalking European Crocodiles (they are so ferocious they make a salt water crocodile appear as friendly as a tame gecko). What? You have never heard of the European Crocodile? Well, Cerberus USED to enjoy stalking them, until he wiped them out as well!).

Anyway, Cerberus leaned over the barman (remember him?). "Give Rover his tail back" he growled (the sort of growl that starts in the back of one throat and ends up in the back of another throat). Utterly terrified, the barman still responds that the rules prevent him from doing so. Cerberus is about to attack when Rover asks "What rules? I checked with Heaven, Hell and Purgatory, and they have never heard of this rule". "But Rover, you know what I do for a living." replies the barman, "I sell alcohol, snacks and meals as permitted by the licensing regulations. They state I cannot retail spirits after 23:00 and you keep turning up at midnight!".
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

The Pope is returning to Vatican City, but his aeroplane is running late. This is causing him some concern, as he is due to hold Evening Mass. When the aeroplane lands he is met by a chauffeur with his limousine. The Pope advises his chauffeur that he is running late, and can they try to make Evening Mass? The chauffeur says he will try, and they set off.

Although the chauffeur is driving well it looks highly likely they will not be in time. The Pope asks him to drive faster, but the chauffeur responds that he is on the speed limit, and if he exceeds the speed limit he is putting his job at risk. The Pope tells him to pull over, and they swap places.

It turns out that the Pope can really drive. He is handling the car exceptionally well, but he is also well over the speed limit. Inevitably they catch the attention of a traffic officer, who catches up with them and makes them pull over. When the officer approaches the drivers' window he is startled by what he sees. He gets onto the radio to ask for advise. The conversation goes something like this;

Officer 21 to base, come in, base.

Base to 21, go ahead,

21 to base, I have just caught somebody going 35MPH over the speed limit. What should I do?

Base to 21, book him, obviously.

21 to base, I am not sure about that, he is a very important man.

Base to 21, is he the Prime Minister?

21 to base, no, he is not the Prime Minister.

Base to 21, is he the President?

21 to base, no, he is not the President.

Base to 21, WHO is he, then?

21 to base, I don't know, but he has the Pope as a chauffeur!
Last edited by Hell Razor5543 on 20 Jul 2018, 20:54, edited 1 time in total.
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

President Trump and President Nieto are discussing the proposed wall between the USA and Mexico. They are walking along the planned site, when Trump kicks a small, brassy object. A Genie appears, sees the two of them, and says "I can grant you one wish each". President Trump says "I am fed up with all of the migrants illegally crossing into the USA. I want you to build me a wall all around my country." The Genie clicks his fingers, and 'POOF', the wall appears.

President Nieto asks the Genie "Please tell me about this wall". The Genie replies "It completely surrounds the USA, including any outlying States. It is a mile high, 300 yards wide, and utterly impenetrable. Nothing can get in or out." "Great", replies President Nieto, "Please can you fill it with water?".
Last edited by Hell Razor5543 on 20 Jul 2018, 20:54, edited 1 time in total.
crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Went for a job at Citroen. Had to send in 2CVs.
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Stickyfinger
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Stickyfinger »

Designed a website for an orphanage, they did not want a home page.
Karata
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber.
He died last week... surrounded by his family.
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white exec
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by white exec »

This had me in stitches (which takes a bit of doing)...
8 out of 10 Cats does Countdown S16 Ep3


All good, but try Ivan Brackenbury's 'Hospital Radio' piece, from 39:20 onwards - magic!! \:D/
Last edited by GiveMeABreak on 01 Aug 2018, 11:31, edited 2 times in total.
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