Joke I found funny...

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Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

One day a hedgehog, new to the area, asked a rabbit what he did for excitement (as the area was very boring). The rabbit replied that he played 'chicken' with the cars on the road, and it was best at night. When the hedgehog asked why that was, the rabbit replied "Because the headlights help you to judge what vehicle it is". They agree to meet up that evening, so that the rabbit can demonstrate.

That evening, they went to a nearby road, and the rabbit explained the tricks of the game. High headlights (height related) normally meant a lorry or off road vehicle, which meant they were quite high (plenty of room underneath). A single light normally meant a motorcycle. so stay to one side. Medium height lights meant a normal car, so you would need to keep your head down. Low height headlights meant a sports car, so push yourself into the road, and hope.

The hedgehog wasn't convinced it was that safe, so the rabbit demonstrated. As the lights approached the rabbit shouted "Lorry", and was virtually standing on tiptoe as the lorry went past. The rabbit was unscathed. When the next set of lights approached the rabbit shouted "Sports car", and ended up virtually digging a hole, but was OK. The hedgehog said he would now like a go. He wandered out into the road, and as the lights approached he got ready. The rabbit looked at the lights, shouted "No, wait!", but was too late. SPLAT!

The rabbit looked at the sorry state on the road, and muttered to himself "I knew I forgot something. Bloody Reliant Robins!".
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

:lol: Good one James!

Actually, you know the corvid family, of which crows are a member, are the most intelligent of all birds?

You will never kill a corvid eating roadkill as they are skilled mathematicians and perform instant differential calculus to determine the exact moment they must take off to avoid getting hit..

One crow once got killed when he misjudged a C15 van with a raised roof. He calculated for a standard C15 and neglected to take the extra height of the raised part into consideration...

That was very much the exception and generally they have no trouble calculating such complex equations at all..

The least intelligent are pheasants. Definitely a case of 'the lights are on but there's nobody at home'....
Northern_Mike

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Northern_Mike »

We've plenty of pheasants round here. Bloody dangerous they are! Those stupid mini - deer too. Muntjac? It's hard to train oneself to hit the bloody things rather than swerve to avoid them and have an accident. I've hit two of them so far.

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

I know that the corvid family are very intelligent. They have not only been shown to use tools, they can work out how to use a tool they have never seen before to resolve a problem they have never encountered before either. Anyway, back to the jokes.

2 rabbits escape from a laboratory. They get out into the countryside, where they encounter some wild rabbits. The wild rabbits welcome them in. They show them where the good food is, and introduce them to the female rabbits. All is going well for the lab rabbits, but after a few days the older rabbit says he has to go back to the lab. The younger one is aghast, and says "Why? We have good food, great company, and female rabbits. What more do you want?". The older rabbit replies "I am dying for a cigarette!".
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Northern_Mike wrote:We've plenty of pheasants round here. Bloody dangerous they are!
They are also thick as two short planks! Remember that one from next door to you? It did look surprised to be on the roof of a two storey building. I still have that photo (although it isn't great quality).
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Mountjuc deer are a heck of a hazard on the road to my pace of work...

Good rabbit joke James!
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Thanks Jim. Mind you, I am not sure how long it will last, my 'joke' memory is kicking in hard. It must be the new job.

2 sparrows are sitting chatting near a military airbase. While they are talking a fighter takes off at full mil throttle. After it had gone, and the noise had died down, the younger sparrow went "Didn't it go fast?", to which the older sparrow replied "Well, it would, wouldn't it?". The younger sparrow then said "Didn't it make a lot of noise?", and the older sparrow said "I would in that situation". The younger sparrow asked "What do you mean?" and got the reply "I would fly very fast and shout a lot if my arse was on fire!".
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

There was recently an article in (IIRC) The Independent about a small girl who fed the crows near her home and after a while they responded by bringing her presents of shiny things.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

myglaren wrote:There was recently an article in (IIRC) The Independent about a small girl who fed the crows near her home and after a while they responded by bringing her presents of shiny things.
Yes indeed :-D Quite a remarkable article...
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

One for Unix people:

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% Unmatched ".
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A Programming Language Guide

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible, since you cannot tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying “That’s me, over there”.

Modula-2: After realising that you cannot actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Pascal: The same as Modula-2, except the bullets are the wrong calibre and won’t pass through the barrel. The gun explodes.

Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe iteratively until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets you continue anyway because you have no exception processing ability.

Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically pleasing, and the bullet baffles the adolescent doctor in the emergency department.

Basic: You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems you continue until your lower body is waterlogged.
Last edited by Hell Razor5543 on 20 Jun 2015, 13:08, edited 1 time in total.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

James:

:rofl2: :rofl2:

So true though...
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ragger
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by ragger »

Mother's Driver's Licence

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy’, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says,
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?’

'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's licence.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'



'Because on your driving licence it says you got an "F" in sex'
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Stickyfinger »

A penguin is driving along the A303 when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest Citroen specialists, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream van across the road. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an a Mr Wippy.

After he finishes it quickly as its so hot, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."
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VertVega
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by VertVega »

.