Joke I found funny...

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citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

Most popular bar in the united states reads
Liquior in the front
Poker in the rear
Trainman
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

THE RAISE

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?





Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

Anagrams:


PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters:


WOMAN HITLER
Trainman
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

I shall apologise in advance, but this did make me chuckle.....

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ''Father, may I ask a favour?''

"Of course child. What may I do for you?''

''Well, I bought my mother an expensive hairdryer for her birthday. It is unopened, but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?''

''I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.''

''With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.''

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, ''Father, do you have anything to declare?''

''From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.''

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ''And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?''

''I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.''

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ''Go ahead, Father. Next please!''
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

THE PLAN

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without Form

And the Plan was completely without Substance.

And darkness was upon the Face of the workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves, saying: "It is a crock of Sh*t, and
stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth:

"It is a pail of dung and none may abide by the odor thereof."

The supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth: "It is a
container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the managers went unto their Directors and sayeth: "It is a vessel
of fertilizer, and non may abide by its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying on to another: "It
contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."

The Directors went unto the President-Elect to sayeth unto him: "It
promotes growth and is very powerful"

The President-Elect went unto the President and sayeth to him: "This
plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of the company,
and these areas in particular."

The President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Sh*t Happens.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

This from New Zealand, Gotta love the boy's in blue :-D

http://www.policeassn.org.nz/newsroom/p ... harassment" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

There are only 10 people in the world who truly understand binary. My cousin is one of them, and I'm still trying to find the other.
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Citroening
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Citroening »

Not that funny really but made me chuckle when a mate told me...

How do you know if someone has an iPhone?

They'll tell you!

:lol: :roll:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A business man is flying to USA for a conference. When the pilot informs the passengers they are now at cruising altitude and can move around, he opens up his briefcase to do some work. He notices the person sitting next to him is doing the same, and when he glances over he discovers 2 facts; she is a beautiful woman, and see is reading very pornographic material.

This second fact causes him to jump, and she notices this. Looking at his red face, she says "I had better explain". He replies "Not at all", to which she answers "If I don't you will get off this aeroplane thinking I am some sort of pervert". "OK" he says, and she then goes on to explain "I am a s3x therapist, and I am going to a conference in San Francisco. Amongst other things I intend to dispel a few myths". "Go on", he says, to which she continues "The French believe that they are the worlds' greatest lovers, but I have found that the Native Americans can be far more attentive. The guys from the West Indies think that they are the best endowed, but I have found that they don't measure up to the Greeks, and the men who come out best in both fields are the Irish". She then blushes, and says "I am telling you all this and I don't even know your name".
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"Tonto", he says, "Tonto Papadopolous. But me mates all calls me Paddy!"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

One English question I came across when I was at school read as follows;

"What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?". I still do not know how I got this one right, as my answer read "I don't know and I don't care". Can any English teacher please explain?
citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

Fifty Sheds Of Grey



We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall ...

But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.





She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."

So I took her to McDonalds.





She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came..

I moaned with pleasure ...... Now for the other boot.





Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.

She still manages to get into the shed, though.





"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.

"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.

"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."





"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip, "I need to be punished."

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.





"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"

"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"





I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.

Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.





"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

"I think so," I gulped.

"Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.





"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."





"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."

She nodded.

"Okay," I said, and immediately put the three-piece suite on eBay.





"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"

"Very well," I replied, and left the toilet seat up.



"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back

...... as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
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Gregg1100
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gregg1100 »

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!



A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.



''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.



Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''



And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."



The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Gregg1100
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gregg1100 »

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Those well versed among us will have heard of Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (otherwise known as Mahatma Gandhi), a spiritual leader of India. There are a lot of things known about him, and a few not so well known.

He preferred to travel by foot wherever possible. This meant that the soles of his feet were as tough as boot leather. It also meant that he was very fit, and slender (he was so slender that when he hid behind a rake, the rake turned around to see where he had gone).

Another reason he was so slender was his diet. Being a Hindu, he was a vegetarian. One lesser known fact was that, as a consequence of his diet, he sometimes suffered from bad breathe. This meant that, although people would flock from miles around just to be near him, sometimes they wouldn't flock that closely.

It is very easy to describe the man. Mahatma Gandhi; super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.



Run away, James!
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Very good James :lol:

I wondered where that one was going at first!