Joke I found funny...

[Trainman]

The Curry Competition.

The original 3rd Judge for a Curry Competition called in sick at the last moment and a UK tourist was standing at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges (a couple of locals) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told him he could have free beer during the tasting, so he accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

1. Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster

• JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
• JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
• TOURIST: Holy s**t!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.

2. Applesamy's Afterburner

• JUDGE 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
• JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
• TOURIST: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking p**s off a thistle.

3. Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn

• JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
• JUDGE 2: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
• TOURIST: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting s**t-faced from all the beer.

4. Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

• JUDGE 1: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
• JUDGE 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
• or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
• TOURIST: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

5. Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

• JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
• JUDGE 2: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
• TOURIST: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a jug. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

6. Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

• JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
• JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
• TOURIST: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my arsehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with a red hot poker and I've just s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with an ice cream! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my arsehole will go down for a drink of water.

7. Sugash's Screaming Sensation

• JUDGE 1: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.>
• JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curried peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.
• TOURIST: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

8. Hansraj's Mount Saint

• JUDGE 1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
• JUDGE 2: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
• TOURIST: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report..



.

[Gregg1100]

Little girl & her mum walking through park when they see two people having sex, the girl asks her mum
"What are they doing?" Mum looks awkward n says:
"They're making cakes" Next day the girl says to her Mum
"You n Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night wer'nt you"
Mum looks worried n says
"Yes, how did u know"
Girl smiles, giggles & replies
"I licked the icing off the sofa!!

[CitroJim]

here's a few terrible ones. So bad you have to giggle..

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying
for no reason.
I thought to myself "She's going through the change."


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of Audi drivers saying that
they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a
woman. What a pair of sexist prats . I mean, it's not as if she'd
have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed
six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could
be following some kind of pattern.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea
break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The
bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell
you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on
the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the
world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest
mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

19 Vauxhall drivers go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks "Why so many of
you?" Clarence replies, "The film said 18 or over."

[Trainman]

If my body was a car, I would be trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps dents scratches & my headlights are out of focus. My gearbox is seizing up & it takes me hours to reach maximum speed. I overheat for no reason, and every time I sneeze, cough or laugh either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Xaccers]

What is the smallest caliber you can trust to protect yourself?

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22
short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking.
I never leave home without it.

Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the
"Buddy System". This means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend,
companion or even an in-law because if something happens there is someone to
go get help.

I remember one time while hiking with my brother-in-law in northern
Alberta and out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and boy,
was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today.
Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by
just walking away at a brisk pace.

That's one of the best pistols in my collection...

[Trainman]

Mick gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway.

Police ask "where are you going?"

"I'm taking these horses to the races" replies Mick

"but it's empty!" said the copper

"I know!" said Mick "I'm taking the non-runners first!!"

[HDI Dave]

I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust


Bloke buys a parrot but gets sick of it saying, "I'm from Millwall and I'm hard as ****.
so he puts a kestral in its cage.
Next morning he finds the kestral dead and the parrot says, "I'm from Millwall and I'm hard as ****.
So the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage.
Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers.
As he looks in the cage the parrot says, "I had to take me coat off for that ****

[addo]

Love the parrot joke; it's almost clean!

The Lovemaking Frog

A rich, young, society "princess" is browsing the shops one afternoon (having little better to do). There's a high-priced pet shop, and she idly wonders if a special creature might add more depth to her life.

Inside the shop is a well-dressed, tidily presented bloke spruiking an array of pets, from the exotic to mundane. After some discussion, he says to her "Well, what about this fellow?"
- What is it? Looks just like a frog?
"Ah, better than that. It's a South American gigolo frog. He can satisfy your every desire down there. Just lie back and put him on top."
- Oh, really?
"Ya, really."
- No way! How much is he?
"One hundred and fifty pounds; they're very sought after."
- I guess it's not much to pay for that sort of company.

Our princess heads home triumphantly with her new purchase, having been sold up also on the basic frog-keeping accessories. That night after tea, she strips off, lies down and places the frog gently in position...

Nothing happens!

Miss is not impressed, but not totally surprised either. Froggy goes back into the terrarium. Next morning, our princess walks back into the pet shop.
"Good morning, how are you today?"
- It didn't work.
"That's highly unusual. Without being too nosy, you weren't putting him off in any way?"
- I don't think so; why?
"Try dressing for the occasion; maybe some French lingerie. They can be a bit sensitive at times, and it hampers performance."
- Oh, all right; I'll try that.

So come evening, our adventurous young lady slips into the most sheer and exciting negligee in her closet, and lies down, gently placing the frog on top.

Nothing happens! Back to the terrarium for froggy.

By now, our princess feels like a regular visitor to the pet shop. Fortunately, our salesman has a way of making people feel less stressed; a relaxed and confident manner that seems to validate their concerns... After some further discussion, it appears the frog is indeed rather vexed by it's recent trans-continent transplant and needs futher (ahem!) encouragement.

Evening time, and young Miss has has a perfumed bath, then slips into her finest flimsies. You'd think the frog would be ready for action, right?

No. Back to the wet rock in a glass tank for froggy.

Princess is fuming. All that anticipation and no relief is giving her pelvic congestion... Next day, she is straight into the pet shop at opening time. It takes all of our salesman's experience and soothing manner, to calm her:
"I'm worried this has damaged our business reputation badly. We like to tell the truth about pets we sell, and be respected for it. Can you please call my mobile phone if he doesn't perform; I'll whip around with a replacement right away?"
- I certainly will. This is your last opportunity before I go to Fair Trading.
"I understand. Just one request, though - can you please try a tiny bit more, to put him in the right frame of mind to perform? Maybe dim the lights and put on some quiet, sensual music."
- Yes, but that is the last chance for your frog.

It's Friday evening. Our young lady has finished up her vapid rounds for the day, stepped out of a luxuriating bubble bath and gently dried her body with the softest pure cotton towel. She splashes on some Chanel No.5 and slips into a nightie by Thierry Mugler. Dims the lights in her boudoir and puts Ravel's Bolero on quietly. Going over to the terrarium, lifts out the frog and ambles towards her bed. Froggie's on top.

NOTHING HAPPENS!

Our princess doesn't know whether to laugh or shout; she is a confused mess of anticipation and ire. Picking up the store's business card, she dials the shopowner and starts shouting hysterically. After a few moments, he is able to get a word in.
"I'm just up the road; can drop by in five minutes with a replacement frog that is known reliable by pedigree."

So - true to his word, in five minutes the doorbell rings. Our shopkeeper comes in and asks to see the errant frog. Our princess leads him to her room; showing him the frog in it's store-bought terrarium. Our shopkeeper looks around; everything is as he recommended - the young lady is wearing a diaphanous garment, gently perfumed, lights are dim and there is music playing softly in the background. He picks up the frog, and resting it on his palm at face height, addresses it bluntly...

"Matey, I'll show you just one more time"....

[CitroJim]

Just heard Battersea Dogs home is to close down; another victim of the recession.

They've had to call in the retrievers...

[Xaccers]

As you know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice merlot.

Knowing I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

[citronut]

Oil Change instructions for Women:


1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since
the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly
maintained vehicle.


Money spent:


Oil Change:$24.00


Coffee: Complementary


TOTAL: $24.00



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your
debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left
dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.



Money spent:


Parts: $50.00


DUI: $2,500.00


Impound fee: $75.00


Bail: $1,500.00


Beer: $20.00


TOTAL: $4,145.00


But you know the job was done right!


SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...


AND TO ANY MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT...


regards malcolm

[Dippy]

Sensitive Aussies !

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey ..
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[Trainman]

Enough to make your eyes water................laughing

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG ... U4ZG0YDNHD" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[addo]

Yes, much better waxing those bits.

[CitroJim]

Oh Gawd Bloody relieved I didn't open this at work today

Oh dear, what a dickhead.....