Joke I found funny...

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Deanxm
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My mrs was sent this today, a sort of topical Joke.

Post by Deanxm »

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy


Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I
noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system perfor ma nce,
particularly in the flower and jeweler applications, which operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 ..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled ma ny other valuable programs, such as Ro ma nce 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and
CRICKET 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2. 6
simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
pug_owner2002
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Joined: 27 Feb 2005, 22:05

Post by pug_owner2002 »

Received this earlier.........


Best headache joke ever...........


A husband emerged from the bathroom naked & was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I've a headache!". "Perfect", her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my p***s with crushed asprin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's upto you."
MikeT
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Post by MikeT »

Corny current affairs jokes...

Do NOT donate money to the Egypt Crisis fund.
Rumour has it that this could be another Pyramid Scheme.


The Egyptian government have come up with a plan to stop the riots.
They are calling on everyone to get in a car, honk the horn and chill out.
They are calling it "toot-n-kalm-doon"
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I ever made....it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel's paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "....as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green. The ball popped out of the squirrel's paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup! "

Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the flaming putt, didn't you?"
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CitroJim
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Post by CitroJim »

That's a good one Steve!!!
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

A policeman came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

He said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, " Yes."

Then he said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
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CitroJim
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Post by CitroJim »

A horse walks into a bar..

The barman says....

"Why the long face?"

--------------------------

A bloke is out driving in the countryside...

Suddenly his car (not a Citroen) conks out...

He looks under the bonnet but he doesn't know much about engines really, he just hopes...

All of a sudden, a voice booms out and says "Check the plugs!"

the bloke looks around and can see no-one, just a horse in a field. Again the voice says "I told you, check the bloody plugs!"

So he does and lo and behold, that was the problem. he looks around again but can see only a horse...

The bloke sets off and stops at the village pub.

He says to the barman "You know, I broke down back along the road and this voice told me to check the plugs. I did and that was it! car is good again but you know, all I could see for miles around was a horse"

"Ohh arr" said the barman "And what colour was this ere 'orse then?"

"Umm, brown I think"

"Arr, blooody good job twere the brown 'un you know"

"Why?"

"Well, the white 'un knows bugger all about cars!"

-----------------------

A white horse walks into a bar...

"Do you know they named a whisky after you?" the barman asked

"What? Derek?"

-----------------------

A bloke walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm.

"A pint please, and one for the road..."


-----------------------

G'night...
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

You've been saving those up, haven't you?? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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CitroJim
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Post by CitroJim »

You'll be pleased to know I'm all out of horse gags now Steve...
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

One of the best jokes to come along (and it's not even political)!!!



As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

A policeman came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

He said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, " Yes."

Then he said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."


I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

Aren't kids wonderful ??????

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

I'm going to give my wife 12 red Roses



I should give her the whole box, but I got hungry on the way home from the football, and I don't like the strawberry ones.
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying


'Congratulations on your new location'
pug_owner2002
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Post by pug_owner2002 »

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?..
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: your sense of humor.