Joke I found funny...

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Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

Not sure if this will work.....

I thought you might be interested to know that following the Government's Freedom of Information Act you can now get access to ALL speed camera offences registered in the last 12 months.
Did you know that every time your car goes past a speed camera, even 1mph over the set limit, it is registered and put on a database?
You normally only get a ticket if you are way over the limit or, this is the bit that I didn't know, if you receive 10 "near misses", you will be classed as a "serial offender" and automatically get a ticket the next time you even go just over the limit.

This is why you hear of people being penalised for 34 mph in a 30 mph limit area, whilst others doing for example 37 mph, do not.
You can check what has been registered against your vehicle at the following web address:

www.i-database.co.uk

Just enter your car registration. If there is any data on your vehicle you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the photograph. It's also useful as although you may have not even been in a particular area, someone else could be using your number plates.....

Hope it's useful.....
P.S.
If the link doesn't work just put "i-database.co.uk" in Google.
Toby_HDi
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Post by Toby_HDi »

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

THE DEFECTIVE PARROT

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The man says aloud, ''Wow, I wonder what happened to this parrot?''

The parrot says, ''I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.''

''Bloody Hell,'' the man replies, ''You actually understood and answered me!''

''I got every word,'' says the parrot, ''I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird.''

''Oh yeah?'' asks the man, ''Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?''

''Well,'' the parrot says, ''this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my d**k around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.''

''Wow,'' says the man.

''You really can understand and can speak English, can't you?''

''Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic; politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.''

The guy looks at the £200 price tag.

''Sorry, but I just can't afford that.''

''Pssssssst,'' says the parrot, ''I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make him an offer!''

The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful.

The man is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, ''Psssssssssssst,'' and motions him over with one wing.

''I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the milkman.''

''What are you talking about?'' he asks.

''When the milkman delivered the milk today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.''

''WHAT?'' he asks incredulously, ''Then what happened?''

''Well, then the milkman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,'' reported the parrot.

''NO!'' he exclaims, ''and she let him?''

''Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.''

Then the frantic man demands, ''THEN WHAT HAPPENED?''

''DUNNO. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!''
Deanxm
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Post by Deanxm »

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name,

"Polo, I'm the one with the hole," she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought, then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge, then he gave her a boost.

It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper.

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with bertie bassett who apparently had Allsorts!
JohnD
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Post by JohnD »

A plane was on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class got up and moved to the first class section and sat down. The flight attendant saw her and went over and asked to see her ticket, She told the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replied, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and the co-pilot that a blonde sitting in first class belonged in economy and wouldn’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that because she only paid for economy she would have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replied, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here." The co-pilot told the pilot that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot said, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He went back to the blonde and whispered in her ear, and she said, "Oh, I’m sorry." And she got up and went back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss………… I told her, "First class isn't going to Houston".
vince
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Post by vince »

Trainman wrote:THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. ''THAT WAS MY PAGER,'' SHE SAID, ''I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.''

A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED SHE EXPLAINED, ''THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.''

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........''WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.......I'M GETTING A FAX! ''

:lol: :lol:
vince
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Post by vince »

Xac wrote:Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As
they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they
felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop
was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided
to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with,
so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself
and discarded them. The second not finding anything either,
thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used
the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each
other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to
be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no
good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with
a card stuck to her ass that read, 'From all of us at the
Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."....
:lol: :lol:
MikeT
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Post by MikeT »

A newlywed couple were honeymooning in the African Bush - accompanied by the bride's mother who had inconsiderately invited herself!

During one particularly beautiful sunset, the three were strolling along a bush path when, as they turned a bend, froze with horror as they saw a large male lion who was out scouting for his evening meal.... and he'd spotted them!

"Run", yelled the new husband, "Run for your life!" as he grabbed his bride, turning on his heel to run back the way they had came.

"But we can't outrun a lion" replied his wife, half stumbling and half being dragged by her husband, fearing their lives we about to be cut short.

"We don't have to outrun the lion" the husband assured her, "We just need to outrun your mother"
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quintet
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Post by quintet »

The pretty lesbians next door gave me a rolex for my birthday, which was nice, but i think they misunderstood me when i said i wana watch
addo
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Post by addo »

One for Xac and Malc, especially...

Did you hear about the two Jewish women having a quiet lunch together?
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Xaccers
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Post by Xaccers »

addo wrote:One for Xac and Malc, especially...

Did you hear about the two Jewish women having a quiet lunch together?
Oy vey! If only! :rofl:
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the
nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he
listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible !

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. . . . . .






"You just happened to catch my eye."


(oh shut up, and just forward it!)
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

Maria was a good Italian girl a virgin on her wedding night.

Her mother said 'Don’t worry Tony is a good man he'll look after you’.

They went upstairs.

Maria came running down 'mama he has a hairy chest'.

Mama says 'don’t worry; all good men have hairy chests'.

Maria goes back.

Tony takes his pants off exposing his hairy legs.

Maria runs downstairs. 'Don’t worry' says mama 'all good men have hairy legs'...Maria goes back.

Tony takes his socks off on his left foot he was missing 3 toes.

Maria rushes downstairs. 'Mama mama- Tony's got a foot and a half'






'Maria Stay here and stir the pasta this is a job for mama!'
red_dwarfers
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Post by red_dwarfers »

I can't say I get your one Adam, I trust it maybe to do with being feeling quite innocent at the moment!

Very good Steve :lol: :lol:
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Xaccers
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Post by Xaccers »

red_dwarfers wrote:I can't say I get your one Adam, I trust it maybe to do with being feeling quite innocent at the moment!
Nah, you've just not had the pleasure of lunch with Jewish women :) (I do reccomend it though)