IF I can get help, treatment, counselling and a resolution without shame, then so can YOU, or you can help YOURS or your friends who need it, without shame. Men's mental health support is absolutely dire in this country unless you have pots of money, or are lucky enough, like me, to have good private healthcare via work.
It's ok to not be ok, just make sure you get the help needed. I'm always happy to chat offline about this stuff.
So, here goes..
At junior school, just after I moved from the primary school next door (Waterfoot Junior school, 1980) the headteacher told my mother I was "useless, always distracted". Another, a few months later, said much the same and that I was "one of those kids who can read well, but do nothing else". After a few more similar comments, I changed schools. At the time, I thought this was for convenience. It was only in Feb THIS YEAR I found any of this.
My next school, Water County Primary school - juniors too, but that's what the school is called - I did ok. Good reader, good mental arithmetic. My schooling was interrupted from 1981- Sept 1984 as we were back and forth to Hong Kong, where my dad worked as a Planning Engineer on the MTR. I went to school there, and again, did "ok". My bro and I usually did Sept-April in HK, then came back to UK for the summer term as my mum hated the heat.
So, April 1984 comes along. I fly in from Hong Kong. We arrive in Lancs on a Friday night. I went to school on the Saturday morning and took my 11+ in the head's office as she'd kindly arranged for me to do that.
I was the *only* boy in our year to pass the 11+. Looking back, this was probably a bad thing, as I was then marked out as a lazy genius, rather than a kid with attention problems.
I went to the Grammar school. I struggled both to mix with "normal" boyish boys, wasn't great at sport. I was good at physics, chemistry, and languages. All my reports said the usual "lazy, could do better, doesn't pay attention". God knows how I tried to change that, but it never worked, so I was just .. lazy and useless, apparently.
One of my favourite things to do was drive. When my mum was on holiday with my brother and Grandma, I'd have to stay at my other grandparents house. I used to walk the mile to my house to feed the cats every day. I also used to borrow my mum's car - a white 2CV. Having been obsessed with driving since I was 5 or 6, I'd read Roadcraft, the highway code, the AA book of the car and countless other books on the subject many times over. I had NO intention of crashing, causing pain or injury to others, or getting caught. I didn't, I was very careful. I recall reading the local paper one day, and there were stories about local kids with Asperger's who were always getting caught doing bad stuff. I couldn't possibly be one of those could I, I was always so polite and well behaved .... thinks I, whilst sat up a hill in Lancashire in my mum's borrowed car, age 15...
By some miracle, I did get 8 GCSEs with decent grades. I didn't do *any* revision, because I couldn't concentrate on anything. I dossed around for a while after school, then got an apprenticeship at Bury Car Centre Citroen dealership as a mechanic, which I did ok at, but again, hard to concentrate on the studying, so whilst I got great reports from the garage, my exams were sh!te.
My mum had had enough of my weird behaviour then, and believing I was into drink and drugs, packed me off to live with my dad in Greece age 18. I wasn't into drink, or drugs, I'd got p1ssed once, and smoked one joint. However, whatever was wrong in my head wasn't helping.
In Greece, I made friends with a guy in the IT department of the company my dad worked for. He told me that they were looking for a trainee, and would I like to give it a go, so I stayed for 4 years, became pretty competent in Novell Netware. I gave training courses to the secretaries in Windows 3.11, and various Microsoft applications. It wasn't a huge amount of fun, but it was something I could, and still can do. I came back to the UK in 1995, and worked for a big reseller up North, then an IT maintenance company in the city when I came down to London because of a woman..
End of Part I...
Part II
The birth of the internet led me to meet a crazy Brazilian woman my age in a chatroom. We chatted for months then I said I needed a holiday and would be away for a while. When I said I didn't know where I was going, she suggested I went to Brazil and stayed with her mum, dad, brothers and her. OK, why not. It's perfectly normal behaviour isn't it, to go to the other side of the world , where you don't speak the language, or know anyone..
Off I went, January 1998. It was great, lovely people, lovely place (Jurere Internacional, Florianopolis. Google it!). After a couple of days, I was talking to the woman's dad. He was an eminent psychiatrist who specialised in Adult ADD/ADHD as it was called back then. He asked me if I'd ever been screened for it, as I had many of the traits. I'd never even heard of it, but went along and had a few appointments with him. He confirmed I had it, and gave me some Ritalin. It was *amazing*. Lisa and I decided to get married. Her dad even spoke to my mum and told her she had to talk us out of it as she was also ADHD, and it would be a disaster. The fact she's my ex-wife proves him right. We spent most of 1999 in Brazil, and it was good.
Now, here's where it all goes wrong.
Upon returning to the UK, I took the psychiatrist's report, letter and his recommendations to my GP. She said it was nonsense, that ADHD didn't exist in adults and said I was suffering anxiety. She prescribed me SSRIs. Back then, being naive and thinking all GPs knew what they were talking about, I didn't question it.
SSRIs are one of the worst medications you can give to a person with ADHD. Tricyclics aren't much better. The list of the ones I've had forced on me over the years...
Citalopram
Mirtazipine
Amytryptiline
Pregablin
Prozac
Paroxetine
Sertaline
Sertaline "took the edge off" but the rest , well, I wasn't anxious or depressed, so it turns out, so they had varied effects from none, to turning me into a proper headcase, especially where alcohol was involved.
I finally found the best relief was smoking (or vaping) cannabis, though that came with it's own problems of course. I stopped using cannabis when Mrs. Michel got pregnant in 2009, and managed to stay away from it totally until lockdown, until pure boredom got me. I don't drink, and apart from once occasion per year since 2009, I haven't. Before that, I could simply pour it down my throat all night. I never felt the need to drink, but the effects of alcohol felt good when I'd had more than enough. Even when I was drinking every day, it was never a "need".
I asked my GP in 2000, 2002, 2004 and 2008 about help for my ADHD, and was ignored every time - all these queries are noted on my GP Summary which I had to ask for in March this year.
I had a breakdown in 2011, I had another in 2015.
I asked again about help for my ADHD in 2016. Ignored.
In Jan 2020, I pushed a very good friend too far with my madnesses, and she told me straight that she'd never talk to me again unless I got help and sorted myself out. She didn't speak to me for 19 months.
I found a therapist, went through loads of CBT and crap for anxiety, which didn't really help. I did learn to control myself a little better, but it was still so very tough. I had asked my healthcare provider, Axa for help with it, but whilst they'd pay for a psychiatrist for other mental health issues, ADHD wasn't counted as it's a disorder, not an illness. FFS. I used to see my clinical psychologist once a month, it helped a bit.
On 28th December 2023, I was feeling rubbish, and went onto Axa's website to request some more therapy sessions, and saw they had a new Neurodivergency Diagnosis and support service. I called them immediately.
26th Feb, 2024, aged 50, after a 23 year fight, I was diagnosed with type 3 (Combined ADHD) and type 1 autism - Asperger's, but as Dr Asperger was somewhat unpleasant, it's not been called that for some years now. I've been in group therapy sessions with other late diagnosed adults since then, all "normal" looking folk like me.
I had to supply my GP summary to the diagnosis people, to allow their doctors to check my record , had to supply blood pressure readings over two weeks, then they prescribed me some medication.
I started the medication on the 9th June this year... I started on 10mg of slow-release methylphenidate (Ritalin)
I took it at 8am. At 9:30am, this happened. It really was exactly like this. I was utterly astounded..
I thought *everyone* had that noise in their head all the time until late last year. I was amazed when I found out most of you don't.
The noise in my head stopped.
My anxiety stopped
My RSD stopped
I could focus
The crippling fatigue I've had since sometime in 2011.. just vanished.
This all happened *instantly*, the moment the meds got into my brain. It sounds bizarre and ridiculous, but it really did. A month later, I've been upping the dose by 10mg per week under the instruction of the prescribing specialist, and none of those symptoms have returned. Not once.
Last Sunday I had my first anti-depressant free sleep for 15 years and 29 days. Mrs. Michel says I'm now "you, but saner somehow". I'm calm, collected and generally able to think straight and not buy a car every week, or collect yet another cat, along with all the other benefits.
The worst part, which I'm still coming to terms with, is the "what if"... "what if it had been spotted earlier when I was a kid?" It clearly was, but I was just "lazy".
I swing between happy and devastated at the moment, but I'm slowly getting a handle on it. It's also difficult finding I have a mind I can control, yet knowing nothing about how to use it.
As I said right at the start, it's really important to get yourself, or others around you sorted if they're having issues. Don't end up being 51 and wondering WTF to do next, once you have help or a diagnosis of whatever.
Thanks for reading, if you got this far.
Mike/Michel
