The One and ONLY... "must have a car in it" Joke thread

[Stickyfinger]

Just to start us off....

A boy is walking along the road when a car pulls up alongside him.

‘If you get in my car,’ says the driver. ‘I’ll give you a bag of sweets.’

The boy ignores him. ‘Okay,’ says the driver.

‘Get in my car and you can have two bags of sweets and £5.’

The boy ignores him. ‘The driver says,

‘Listen, if you’ll just get in the car I’ll give you all the sweets you want and £20.’

The boy turns to the driver and says,


‘Dad, for the last time, I’m not getting into that Skoda.

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Bloody cyclists, deserve all they get

[CitroJim]

Out driving in the countryside the car suddenly stops. The driver gets out and looks under the bonnet but can find nothing obvious..

The a voice booms out saying 'Check the plugs!'

The driver looks around but can see nobody about, just a brown horse in a field..

Again the voice booms out... 'Check the bloody plugs!!!'

He does that lo and behold, that was the problem and off he goes...

In the next village he stops at the pub for a drink..

Chatting to the barman he relates the tale...

'What colour was the horse?' The barman asks..

'Brown. Why?'

'Good job it wasn't the white horse' declares the barman..

'Why?' asks the driver.

'Because he knows bugger all about cars...'

[Timmo]

What do you call a man with a Car on his head........

Jack! - its an oldy i know!

Man walked into the Doctors with a steering wheel stuck in his trousers,
Doctor asks whats the problem
It's Driving me Nuts.......

[CitroJim]

Very good Timmo!

[Stickyfinger]

Very good Timmo!

Guy pulls over to the side of the road.
His date says, "You're not going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine are you?"

The guy says, "No, I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"What's that?" The girl asked.

The guy says, "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

[Fake Concern]

Did you hear about the guy that was addicted to drinking brake fluid? He can stop anytime he wants

[Hell Razor5543]

If your car could travel faster than the speed of light would your headlights still work?

[Timmo]

If you were travelling at the Spead of Sound and Parp'd your Horn, Would you hear it??

[Stickyfinger]

Yes....but you would be looking at your backside from the front with the image 5x larger

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A Rep is driving down a country road one day when his C5 stopped with a Anti Pollution fault.

There was a farm near by, so he went up to ask for some help.
The farmer suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him a lift into town to a Lexia from a local FCF member.
Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome of virginal Somerset beauty (rare, mostly sheep and horses).

Nelly and the Rep were on their way into town when he convinced her to pull over to the side of the road
to enlighten her about the facts of life. They had some down and dirty sex all over the car, and then went
into town to get the Lexia. By the time they got into town, CitroJim had buggered off out clubbing, so they
had to return to the farm.

The farmer allowed the Rep to spend the night in the barn and get Lexia in the morning.

The next morning the Rep went up to the farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a ride into town.
Nelly out with the chickens, however, and her sister Venus opened the door.

Venus was very unlike Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a bit sleazy.
Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into town, and off they went.
Venus did the convincing this time, and the Rep had the "ride" of his life.
They eventually made it back to the farm with the Lexia, and the Rep bit a BSI reset
and fixed his car. He thanked the farmer, left his address to they could keep in touch
in the future, and went on his merry way.

A few months later the salesman received a later from the farmer which contained only a poem:

Were you the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
'Cause since you met my daughter Nelly,
There's a swelling in her belly,
And you'd better get your ass back into town.

The salesman thought for a hour or two, and wrote the following response:

Yes, I was the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I met your daughter Venus,
I've had some problems with my penis,
So I guess we're pretty even all around.

[CitroJim]

First time I've ever featured in a joke