Joke I found funny...

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crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Middle-aged couple in restaurant on first date:

Her: OMG my dentures just broke!

Him: Don't worry, I have plenty of spares in the boot of my car.

Her: Are you a dentist then?

Him. No, I am an undertaker….
crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
That way, you'll be a mile away from him, and...you'll have his shoes.
Karata
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes I don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."

Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."

Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."

Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."
MikeT
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

After reading this, you may find the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just....

...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

I came home steaming drunk and sick. My mrs told me she would leave me if I came home drunk and sick again. The next weekend I was drunk and sick all down my front. I was panicking thinking WTF will I do, my friend told me to put a £20 note in my pocket and tell the wife that someone else was sick all over me and they gave you £20 for the dry cleaning bill. So off I went and when I got home I explained the situation to my good lady. She asked why I had 2 £20 notes, I told her the other one was from the guy that shat in my pants.
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

MikeT wrote:
14 Nov 2017, 20:50
After reading this, you may find the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just....

...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Karata
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

Made my wife a t-shirt that said:

EXPERIENCED PROCTOLOGIST
I've been working with assholes for years.

Her boss was offended.
crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

I went to the job centre in Glasgow for a gynaecologists assistant, I was told to go to Manchester, I asked if thats where the job was, they said no its the end of the queue for the interviews.
Karata
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Someone's type

Post by Karata »

The last time I was someone’s type... I was donating blood.
crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy”
Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
“Dammit” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
“Oh God, this is gettin' worse,” he slurs.
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face.
“I’ll never make it home,” he mumbles amid more curses.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and grunts “No way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “Maybe I can just can make it to the bed.”
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says “To hell with it” and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Bridie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”.
Paddy says, “I did Bridie. I was totally scuttered pissed. Me head’s throbbin’. But how’d ye know?”
“Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub
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daviemck2006
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by daviemck2006 »

A Moray farmer drives to a neighbour’s farmhoose and knocks on the door.
A loon, about 9, opens the door.
"Is yer Mither or Faither at hame?" asks the farmer.
"Nut, they went to toon for shoppin."
"Whit aboot yer brother, Gary? Is he here?"
"Nut, he went wi Mam and Dad."
The farmer stands there for a few minutes, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
The young loon finally says, "I cain far a the tools are if ye wint to borrow ane. If at’s nae why ye’r here, I can gie Mam or Dad a message."
"Well." The farmer looks extremely uncomfortable. "I need tae talk to yer Dad aboot yer brother, Gary, getting ma daughter, Claire, pregnant.".
The boy tilts his head to the side and thinks about that for a moment. "You WILL have tae talk to my Dad aboot that.” He decides.
“I know he charges £50 for oor bulls to service other fowks' coos and he charges £15 for oor boars to service other fowks' sows. But av nae idea how much he charges for Gary.”.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

^^ :rofl2:
Karata
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

"Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"

"Yes, I'll have 5 loaves."

"My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

"I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me."
MikeT
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

Just watched "Solace" with Anthony Hopkins who told this joke (so apologies if you've seen the film and heard the joke and if not, sorry I've spoiled the joke for you)...

Woman complains to doctor about depression.
Doctor decides to try hormone therapy and prescribes tostesterone with instruction to return in a few weeks for a review.

On return woman reports treatment is helping her but has a side-effect of "growing hair where it didn't before"
Doctor assures her that's fine and to be expected and he asks "where is the hair growing?"
Woman replies "On my testicles"