Joke I found funny...

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Jared
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Jared »

a-ha-ha! funny jokes :mrgreen:
scrapcar
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by scrapcar »

Good one MikeT :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Gregg1100
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gregg1100 »

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients.
*The first surgeon said, " Electricians are the best, everything inside is colour coded."

* The second surgeon says, " No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

* The third surgeon shut them all up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus the head and arse are interchangeable.
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Napoleon
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Napoleon »

:-D
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Napoleon
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Napoleon »

Saw man in graveyard crouching behind a gravestone. ‘Morning’ I said. ‘No’ he said - just having a poo’
citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Ad olf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the
Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. .. ...

Richard: He makes bread . . ..

Contestant: Er . .....

Richard: He makes cakes . . ..

Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller: Japan

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days..

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland ?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er. ... ...

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . ...

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ....

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..

Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Malcolm, that is pure gold :lol: :lol:
addo
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Post by addo »

Some real crackers in there.

Those contestants are the type whose car gets dragged into a workshop via recovery truck, and they helpfully tell the mechanic "The red light had just come on". Just a few minutes before it seized/overheated/shattered etc.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE


NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!


1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM only IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US..

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
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Post by addo »

Not so much a joke as plain funny:

http://www.news.com.au/national/hens-pa ... 6419305741" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I think Jim can vouch for the rowdy women in outback Oz.
Trainman
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

This is the story of the poor, dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine. Give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"OK." says the voice on the radio... "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven ...
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CitroJim
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Re:

Post by CitroJim »

addo wrote:I think Jim can vouch for the rowdy women in outback Oz.
Indeed I can :lol: I'm familiar with such goings-on and with the Humpty Doo Hotel!!! Happy days :P Oh the memories...
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Speaking of that other boffinary discovery announced this week: A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church. The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here." Puzzled, the Higgs boson replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Punography....

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time .

How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down .

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me .

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble .

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me !

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I'll get my coat :roll:
JohnD
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by JohnD »

The wife left a note on the fridge..........
"It's not working!!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at mum's"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
God know's what she's on about....