Joke I found funny...

[CitroJim]

^^ Steve, that's a cracker!

[myglaren]

[white exec]

↑ One should always be flexible in these things...

[mickthemaverick]

I was sitting at the bar in the golf club the other day when a chap came up to me and said "Have you seen the un-losable golf ball mate?".
I looked at him and said "Don't be daft, there is no such thing!"
"Oh yes there is" he proclaimed, holding a bright orange ball up in front of me. "Look at that" he said "it's luminous and stands out against any background at all"
"No good if it goes behind a bush and out of sight I said!"
"Not a problem," he replied "if it is out of sight you just take this remote fob out of your pocket and press the button on the right. Watch!" and he pressed the button. I was somewhat startled when a small flap in the ball slid open and a telescopic aerial extended out four feet. When it stopped the tip of the aerial began to flash red and the ball began to beep loudly like a car alarm.
"Well I never," I said, quite impressed. "That's pretty good but not much use if the ball is at the bottom of a lake."
"Don't worry about that," came the reply "It floats!"
It really did seem to good to be true. "Aah but what about if it buries itself in the snow?"
"Easy, you press the left button and the heater turns on and melts the snow all around it!"

"OK you've convinced me it is indeed an un-losable golf ball, just what I need. Where can I get one?"

Spoiler: show

"I dunno," He said, "I found it!!"

[Peter.N.]

Peter

[white exec]

On our local news-site this morning...

[mickthemaverick]

The very same king had his lunch down the local, snake and pygmy pie, pips and cheese!!

I'll get my coat....

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

OUCH! That doesn't bear thinking about!

[myglaren]

Presume everyone is aware of the woman who tried to sue GG after she used it as hairspray?

https://screenrant.com/gorilla-glue-gir ... ok-update/

[myglaren]

A parish priest was concerned about their elderly female organist that didn’t show up to play for the Sunday morning service. As soon as the service was over and the last of the parishioners had left he went to her house to see if she was alright.

When she answered the door she told the priest that she had forgotten to change the time on her clock and had missed the service by an hour. Just as she was leaving to make the short walk to the church to play for the service she observed people coming from the church and realised what had happened. He was relieved as there had been some sickness going around among his parishioners.

The priest took her up on her offer to have some tea and talk with her since his week was over and sit in the parlour. As he waited for her to boil the water and stew the tea he noticed a glass bowl of water on the organ she practised on at home. In this bowl was a condom.

Perplexed about this discovery he began to wonder if her reason for missing the Sunday mass was correct.

During their sharing tea and small talk he kept glancing over at the glass bowl with the condom floating in the water. He wanted to ask, but didn’t know if he could overcome his or her embarrassment it could cause.

Finally the elderly woman noticed his continual glances toward the glass bowl sitting on the organ.

She then pronounced that she hadn’t had a cold all winter and it was due to her discovery of a packet she had found in the church parking lot.

This packet had clearly printed on it “Place on organ, keep moist to avoid disease.”

She was going to inquire at the pharmacy where she might get some more of these so that she might share them with the rest of the parishioners at the church.

[Hell Razor5543]

In a glorious park there are various statues dotted around. At one point there are a pair of statues of a young man and woman gazing lovingly into each others' arms. One day a passing wizard sees them, calls up his power and casts an unusual spell. When the smoke has cleared and the dust has settled there are this couple looking started and wondering what happened.

The wizard tells them he has managed to cast a spell that, for half an hour, means they are alive and can do anything they want, but when the time is up (he explained that nobody could make the spell permanent) they will be back as they were as though nothing has happened. The male statue turns to the female statue and asks "Shall we?". "You want to?". "I want to!". "Yes, lets'". They nip off behind the nearby bushes which then start shaking and there are some interesting noises.

After fifteen minutes or so they emerge dishevelled, flushed and happy. The wizard tells them they still have fifteen minutes left, so they could do that again, if they wanted. The female statue turns to the male statue and asks "Shall we?". "You want to?". "I want to!". "OK, but this time YOU hold down the pigeon while I crap on it!".

[Huskyxantia]

A parish priest was concerned about their elderly female organist that didn’t show up to play for the Sunday morning service. As soon as the service was over and the last of the parishioners had left he went to her house to see if she was alright.

When she answered the door she told the priest that she had forgotten to change the time on her clock and had missed the service by an hour. Just as she was leaving to make the short walk to the church to play for the service she observed people coming from the church and realised what had happened. He was relieved as there had been some sickness going around among his parishioners.

The priest took her up on her offer to have some tea and talk with her since his week was over and sit in the parlour. As he waited for her to boil the water and stew the tea he noticed a glass bowl of water on the organ she practised on at home. In this bowl was a condom.

Perplexed about this discovery he began to wonder if her reason for missing the Sunday mass was correct.

During their sharing tea and small talk he kept glancing over at the glass bowl with the condom floating in the water. He wanted to ask, but didn’t know if he could overcome his or her embarrassment it could cause.

Finally the elderly woman noticed his continual glances toward the glass bowl sitting on the organ.

She then pronounced that she hadn’t had a cold all winter and it was due to her discovery of a packet she had found in the church parking lot.

This packet had clearly printed on it “Place on organ, keep moist to avoid disease.”

She was going to inquire at the pharmacy where she might get some more of these so that she might share them with the rest of the parishioners at the church.

[Hell Razor5543]

I am watching "Bangers and Cash", and it reminded me of a joke.

What are the fastest fish in the river?

Spoiler: show

Motor pike and side carp!

[mickthemaverick]

Presumably they are a match for the fastest animals on the farm:

Spoiler: show

The Lambretta and the Cowasaki