Joke I found funny...

[Hell Razor5543]

Two boys steal a large bag of oranges, and they climb over the gates of a local cemetery to split their ill-gotten gains. As they are climbing over the gate a couple of oranges fall out of the bag, but as they thought they had plenty the boys left them where they lay. The boys then settle down and start counting out their loot. Not long afterwards a drunk is heading home from the pub, and he passes the gates of the cemetery. He hears a voice going "One, for you, one for me. Another for you, and another for me". Sobering up very quickly the drunk heads off the the priests' home, and starts banging on the door. When the priest answers the drunk says "Please come with me, Father. God and Satan are sharing the corpses at the cemetery!". They hurry off to the cemetery, arriving at the gates. They hear a voice saying "That's another for you, and another for me", when a different voice interrupts, saying "What about the pair at the gates? We should go and get them.". The priest and the drunk sprint away, utterly terrified, screaming "You cannot have us! We are not dead yet!".

[CitroJim]

^^^^

[Steve Walsh]

A wife was calmly frying eggs for breakfast when, out of nowhere, her husband burst into the kitchen like a man on a life-or-death mission.
"Careful! CAREFUL!" he shouted, eyes wide with panic. "More butter! You need more butter! Oh my GOD, you're cooking too many at once! TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM NOW!"
She froze, spatula in hand, watching as he continued his over-the-top meltdown.
"Where’s the butter? They’re gonna STICK! CAREFUL! I said BE CAREFUL! You NEVER listen when you cook! NEVER! Flip them! Hurry! Are you INSANE? Have you lost your mind?! And don’t forget the salt! You ALWAYS forget the salt! SALT! USE THE SALT!"
Slowly, she turned to him, one eyebrow raised, spatula hovering mid-air.
"What is WRONG with you? Do you honestly think I don’t know how to fry eggs?"

Spoiler: show

Her husband smirked. "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."
…He is now recovering in the hospital.

[Hell Razor5543]

A young boy is getting fed up with his mother not understanding his jokes. "Mum", he says, "you take far too long where jokes are concerned.". "You are right", she says, "it took me nine months to produce you".

[myglaren]

[MattBLancs]

I think the answer is "Photoshop" but what the heck is going on with Wasp Man's right hand!

[Hell Razor5543]

A woman is looking around a pet shop, when she sees they have three parrots for sale. One is for £1,000, the second is for £750, and the third is for £50. She asks the shop owner why the last parrot is only £50. He replies that this parrot had formerly lived in a brothel, and had picked up some unusual language. She laughs at this, and buys that parrot. When she gets the parrot home it immediately says "Oh, this is a nice new brothel", which makes the woman laugh. The her two daughters walk in. "Nice new talent" says the parrot. The daughters also laugh. Then the husband walks into the room.

Spoiler: show

"Bloody hell, Dave" says the parrot "I hope you behave better than you did last time I saw you!".

[Stickyfinger]

I think the answer is "Photoshop" but what the heck is going on with Wasp Man's right hand!

AI.....Ai cannot do hands

[CitroJim]

AI.....Ai cannot do hands

Along with a lot of things...The 'I' in the majority of cases does not strand for intelligence - ignorance more like...

I find a lot of allegedly AI generated answers to questions downright wrong. The increasing use of, and reliance on, AI is of great concern, especially when belief and trust is placed on it without critical appraisal.

[Karata]

Co-worker nicknames:
---------------------------
Kit?at - Always taking a break
Butter knife - Not the sharpest member of the team
Motion light - Only works when somebody is walking past
E.T. - Always wants to go home
Seaweed - Floats around and does nothing
Lantern - Not bright, and has to be carried
Deck chair - folds under pressure
G-spot - Can never be found
Birthday cake - Everybody gets a piece
Pothole - Best to avoid
Sam - Self-appointed manager
Hubble - Sits around and stares into space

[CitroJim]

^^^ I used to work with all of them

[Karata]

- I heard your wife had a mental episode. What happened?
- We were hiking in the mountains where there was this beautiful echo. But you know my wife, she always has to have the last word...

---

I just fired myself from cleaning the house... I didn't like my attitude and I was drinking on the job.

[Hell Razor5543]

The US Army found that it had too many soldiers, so they decided to allow any soldier who want to do to to retire. As an incentive they were told that they would receive $1,000 for every inch measured between two points of their body (and the soldier could choose those two points). One tall soldier asked for it to be his height, and he walked away with $78,000. Another tall soldier asked from his outstretched finger tips to the tips of his toes, and ended up with $100,000. Finally an old soldier walks up to be measured. He asked the measurement to be from "The tip of my member to my testicles". The medical officer said "While I know that soldiers are proud of their endowments, every soldier before you has walked away with tens of thousands of dollars". The old soldier says "I am happy with my choice", and drops his trousers and boxers. The medical officer sighs, gets his tape measure out, and then exclaims "My GOD, man! Where are your testicles?"

Spoiler: show

"Vietnam!", says the old soldier with a grin.

[Steve Walsh]

A guy moves into a new apartment in New York and heads to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox.
As he’s doing so, a stunning young woman steps out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing nothing but a robe.
She flashes him a warm smile and strikes up a conversation. As they chat, her robe slowly slips open, revealing that she’s wearing absolutely nothing underneath.
The poor guy starts sweating bullets, struggling to keep eye contact.
After a few minutes, she gently places a hand on his arm and whispers, “Let’s go inside—I hear someone coming…”
Without hesitation, he follows her into the apartment. She closes the door, leans against it, and with a sultry look, lets the robe fall completely open.
“Tell me,” she purrs, “what would you say is my best feature?”
The guy, now a nervous wreck, stammers, clears his throat, and finally blurts out, “Uh… your ears!”
She looks absolutely baffled. “My ears?! Look at these boobs—perky, natural, no sag! My butt? Firm, flawless, zero cellulite! My skin? Perfect, no blemishes! Out of everything, WHY would you say my ears?!”
Still flustered, he clears his throat again and mutters,

Spoiler: show

“Because… when you said you heard someone coming… that was me.”

[momag46]

I like it