Joke I found funny...

[CitroJim]

For once, something that made me properly giggle

[Stickyfinger]

They're saying the woman who does sign language on the BBC news has just been sacked.






Something to do with a serious incident in Cockermouth.

[Stickyfinger]

[Hell Razor5543]

I saw a friend recently. I asked him how things were on his small holding. He said they were fine, but he recently had a visit from an arrogant police officer. When I asked him to explain further this is what he told me.

I was in the house, when there was a banging at the front door. When I opened in this copper shoved a piece of paper in my face and said "I have a warrant to search these premises, fields and outbuildings for drugs and drug production materials". I looked at the warrant, and then said "Ok, but I would not go into the pasture by the stream if I were you". The copper responded with "I have the authority to search everywhere covered by this warrant, and anybody who tries to stop me may be arrested for hindering the Police in the course of their duties". I then said "I understand that, but you shouldn't go into that pasture". He got right up into my face and said "One more word out of you and I will arrest you for obstruction". I stayed silent, shrugged, and got on with things.

About five minutes later I heard what sounded like terrified shouting over by the stream. I ran over there, and saw that copper running as hard as he could, as he was being pursued by my bull. I ran over to the gate, paused for a few moments to catch my breather, and then shouted;

Spoiler: show

"Try showing him your warrant!"

[Stickyfinger]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.





'

"Well," said the wife, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[Vic Evans]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

[Karata]

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the movie theater, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."

[Steve Walsh]

One sunny morning, Johnny, a clever 6-year-old, stood at the bus stop with his mum, waiting for their ride to town. As they waited, his mum leaned down and said softly, “When we get on the bus, I’ll buy a ticket for myself. If the driver asks, just tell him you’re 5 so we don’t have to pay for your ticket, okay?”
Johnny nodded, a little puzzled but eager to please.
When the bus arrived, they climbed aboard, and Mum purchased an adult ticket. The driver, a kind-looking man with a warm smile, glanced down at Johnny and said, “Hello there, young man! What’s your name?”
“Johnny!” he answered proudly.
“And how old are you, Johnny?” the driver asked.
With a big smile, Johnny replied, “I’m 5 years old!”
The driver laughed and said, “Well, Johnny, when will you be 6?”
Without hesitation, Johnny grinned and said, “As soon as I get off the bus!”

[Karata]

Why is he called Iron man when he could be called Fe male

[Gibbo2286]

This one popped p on the net this morning, made me chuckle.

One evening, the old farmer decided to take a walk to the pond, since it had been a while since he had been there. He took a large white bucket to collect some fruit on the long walk to the remote area.

As he approached the pond, he heard voices laughing and shouting with joy. As he walked further, he saw that several young women were bathing naked in his pond.

He made his presence known, and they all moved to the deep end. One of the girls shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old farmer frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you girls swim naked or get you out of the pond without your clothes on."

Holding up his bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Some old men can still think quickly.

[Stickyfinger]

Why is he called Iron man when he could be called Fe male

[Stickyfinger]

[Gibbo2286]

Another 'borrowed' from the net.

A kid calls in a police station.
The officer picks up.
Kid: Hi. Do you have a gun?
#Officer: Yes.
Kid: Shove it up your ass then! *Disconnects*
Furious, the officer calls back to that number. This time a lady picks up.
Officer: Your kid just called here and asked me to shove my gun up my ass.
Lady: Really? How much time has it been?
Officer: Around 5 minutes I suppose.
Lady: Oh come on officer, take it out now, you're a grown man, don't take the kid so seriously!

[Steve Walsh]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something and then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog crap!' Then I would say, 'It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?'
I used the government approach of giving you something crappy for free and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.

[Karata]

The phone rings and the wife answers.
A pervert breathing heavily says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?"
She replies, "Yes I do, he's watching TV... who shall I say is calling?"