Life on the edge - the Diary of a C5

[GiveMeABreak]

Ay up!!

Serious question from Papa here. Fifi has the OBD2 16-pin connector and talks to Lexia just fine (most of the time anyway!) so would a 52 plate Diesel C5 have a different OBD protocol to a petrol version?

I haven't clue who Fifi is when she's at home, but the connectors are the same.

[Xantianut]

Hello, Friends.

Well that was a close shave.

Papa has spent today changing my steering lock. Just after I was adopted some nasty people tried forcing my door locks so they could steal my diesel. They wrecked the right hand door lock and the left was starting to feel odd when Papa turned the key so he bought some new locks. He searched to find some with a locking fuel cap - the diesel thieves have left me alone after this - and put the steering lock onto the back burner as it were.

Changing the lock was easy enough. He found the connectors inside my dashboard, cut a slot in my shear bolt and undid that with a screwdriver (clever Papa!) swapped the locks and plugged them in.

Then the fun started.

Could he find where to program my immobiliser? Could he nanny woof!* Time and time again he went through Lexia's options to try and find where to program the new keys. He was slowly turning purple which means he is never far from reaching for the BIG hammer so I had Words with Lexia who guided him to the correct section. Result! I now have 2 ignition keys for the 1st time since my adoption over 5 years ago.

Seems like I saved Lexia from feeling the underside of his Murder Weapon.

Love

Otterchops.

* this is a phrase I have learned from Papa

[Xantianut]

Well, I never!!!!!

The old fool has tried again with his cheap Chinese tat extra gauge!!!! As if I need them. Me with a dashboard like a fighter jet! Me with dials to tell him everything he needs to know. Of course, he's never satisfied. Wants to know my turbo pressure and how many miles per gallon I'm doing. Those are for me to worry about, I have clever computers to look after that.

The hairy great twit has enough on his plate steering me!!!!

Love

Otterchops.

PS - sometimes the Old Fool calls me Fifi.

[Hell Razor5543]

Oterchops, tell that Old Fool you may already have the ability to tell him your MPG. If you have the right electronics, get him to tap the button on the end of your right stalk (the wiper stalk). There are various options, including average MPG and live MPG. I know the VTR C5 Mk1 has that facility.

[admiral51]

Me thinks Fifi should tell Otterchops who the boss is and that Fifi does not need Otterchops to even steer, Fifi is being kind to Otterchops making him feel needed by allowing him to believe he needs to steer

[Xantianut]

Hello, Uncle James!

I have the full tripmeter but the old fool is procrastinating once again about removing my steering wheel to delve into my human interface module with his soldering iron. He's muttering about it getting broken so ordered a new one! The button on my stalk does not work although Lexia told him I was averaging 40 miles per gallon which he said was good for a big old cab 'oss like me.

Big ol' cab 'oss? I'm a thoroughbred, thank you! Fifi la blue, my predecesssor, was described as exotica by a tutor at Sunbeam!

As for steering myself? Not a good idea although my power steering makes life easier for him!

Love
Otterchops

PS - Fifi is my Sunday name, Admiral51.

[Xantianut]

Hello, Friends!!!

Otterchops here.

Well, the Old Fool has been busy. Last week the storage bin on my near side door fell out and the Old Fool could not find the spring clip. He scratched his head, picked out the splinters then removed the bin and measured the width of the surviving clip. He then went and ordered some brass strip that was too wide. After he had finished swearing, he found a very stout pair of scissors, cut it down to the correct width then, using pliers, bent the cut strip into the correct shape. Result! I now have both front door bins back and they both stay closed and stay in the doors.

He may be an Old Fool but he is my Old Fool and at least he has not used a sponge scourer to hold in any bulbs!!!!!

Love

Otterchops!!!!

[Xantianut]

Hello, Friends!

Papa has discovered my ruse.

I had hidden the other clip from my passenger side door under my horrible rubber floor mats in my comfortable back seat.

When we got home, there was a lumpy parcel in the porch. Papa picked it up, put it down, cuddled the cat, then put him down, picked up the parcel and went in. I was very happy indeed when I found out it was new mats for me. Not only that, but mats that clip to the plastic studs on my footwell carpets. This time, he braved the Wallet's fury by also ordering some nice carpet mats for the back footwell which is when he found the door bin clip.

I have had a telling-off which means I am now looking for a Jaguar to kick. Or an Alfa. Whichever, I know the Old Fool seriously looked at these brands before coming to his senses......

Love

Otterchops.

[Xantianut]

Hello, Friends!

All is well here, just thought I'd let you know.

I found those extra 4 cylinders yesterday and scared the wossname out of the old twit. Well, he will stamp on my accelerator like he's stamping on a crisp bag to make it go bang!

He's still thinking abut rerouting my air intake to a big funnel under his seat but I'm scared this may cause my turbo to overspeed......

[Xantianut]

Hello, Friends!

Well really!

The postman had 2 parcels for us today, one was some train bit or other for the Old Fool, the other he said was some intake cleaner for me. Papa says that sometimes I'm down on power and up on smoke sometimes which neither of us like very much and he reckons it is my EGR valve, whatever that is. Oh, I know where it is, just not what it does. Papa tells me that if it sticks open, I swallow too much of my own exhaust. Eek!!!

Anyway, he got my powerful engine nice and warm then removed my air cleaner and sprayed the most foul tasting muck I have ever had. I protested, of course. I rattled my valves threateningly and rocked my big engine fore and back. I even shut myself down but to no avail. He INSISTED on emptying the spray can into my intake.

When he set off for a test drive, I belched out a HUGE cloud of smoke to show my displeasure.

Then I discovered that this muck has helped me breathe much more easily so I make more power and less smoke than ever before.

It is Wynn's EGR and intake cleaner in a silver can. It's made me feel better!

Problem is, the Old Fool is threatening a second dose next month.......

Love

Otterchops.

[myglaren]

Sounds like the old fool may be on to something there.
May have to feed some of that to my 5er, although it is going to the car doctor tomorrow for similar issues and the dreaded MOT.

[Xantianut]

Hello, Friends.

I am in Trouble.

I failed my MOT because of a couple of hydraulic leaks, a loose wheel arch liner and a faulty main beam headlamp aim.

Papa has fixed the headlamp today. This involved: removing my front bumper, then the headlight, then the bulb, then the bulb holder. Adjust bulb holder cone with pliers then reassemble and test. Swear words and repeat until heartily sick of the whole thing!! Or, after a coffee and cuddle of Tigger, our cat, until fixed.

He now has two hydraulic leaks. He thinks both are overflow pipes, one at the front, one at the back.

I am worried about the threat of BIG hammer just now......

The wheel arch liner will be easy. He has ordered new ones so just remove them until the new ones arrive.

Love

Otterchops
XX

[Xantianut]

Well, that's my hydraulic leaks fixed but the Old Fool is no nearer with my powerful headlight.

When my mega main beam comes on, the beam goes down! But the dip is spot on.

He is close to hitting me with a VERY big hammer, anyone any advice?

Yours

One very scared Otterchops!!!!

[myglaren]

I had that when I cleverly dropped the clip wile fitting a new bulb. Just shoved it into place, it worked so I forgot about it.
Noticed months later it pointed at the ground but then forgot it again. Failed the MOT a few days later. They wanted >£200 to fix (new headlight)
New clip from scrapyard and all OK.

Why can't you buy those clips?
I'm presuming that the dipped bulb is correctly located but the main beam/fog is incorrectly positioned.
Or, even worse, the bulb filament is incorrectly placed.

[Xantianut]

Hello, MyGlaren

A previous owner also lost a clip so used a sponge to hold the bulb in. Papa found 2 hiding in my headlamp units! Needless to say I have proper clips now.

He thinks he may have sorted it but he was brutal with it, bending the cone quite fiercely! He's waiting for late evening to check and final adjustments. All looked good on our wheely bins!

Love

A relieved Otterchops.

PS - it scares me when he goes purple. I never know if it's rage or a heart attack!