Joke I found funny...

[ksanturion10]

From a British comedy series (don't remember the heading).

Young woman is taking a walk around an unfamiliar country lanes. Suddenly she falls into an animal trap. Despered, as she can't get out of it, starts yelling for help. After a reasonable amount of time, an older man slowly arrives at the place to see, what is all that yelling about. Relieved, that at last someone managed to come to the resque, she asks the man to release her from the trap:
(x)- Thank God you came, please could you remove the trap?
(y)- Are you local?
(x)- What?
(y)- I said, are you local?
(x)- Em, em, no I'm not local!
... the man goes away.

[Triumph Guy]

My mate has finally got a job after being on the dole for a few years. He has 500 people under him. He mows the grass at the local cemetery.

[Gibbo2286]

At the Royal Navy recruiting office a man walks in for interview.

After asking the usual questions the officer asks if he has any trade qualifications

“I’m a gug engineer.”

Not wishing to look stupid the officer signs him up.

After a few weeks basic trading he’s posted to the naval dockyard where again hes asked what his trade is.

“I’m a gug engineer.”

The admiral gets to hear of this and tells the officers to give the man all he needs to do his work.

After many weeks a huge steel structure is built in the shipyard and the man announces that it is complete and ready to be moved out to the deep sea.

Miles away in the deepest part of the Atlantic he orders that it should now be launched over the side.

They all stand to attention as the band plays and they watch as the structure sinks gug...gug.........gug to the bottom.

[ksanturion10]

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

How many weeks does each year get assigned?

Spoiler: show

46 weeks; the other 6 weeks are Lent!

One day I was telling jokes with glee,
When some people started throwing tomatoes at me!
"Tomatoes don't hurt" I said with a grin,
The next barrage did; they were wrapped in a tin!

[myglaren]

[Stickyfinger]

[white exec]

I think we get your drift....

[Steve Walsh]

Keighley police are hunting a woman known as the knitting needle Nutter she has stabbed 16 people in the bum with a knitting needle in the last two days.
Chief inspector Ballcock thinks she may be following some sort of pattern

[myglaren]

Not a joke but real.

We're enjoying a delicious slow-cooked chicken casserole. I noted that they were boneless chicken thighs and I said "you ever wondered how chickens with boneless thighs manage to stay standing up?"
She only went and asked "Alexa, how do boneless chickens stand up?" which was a new low, even for her.

[mickthemaverick]

On a similar theme to Steve's story:
A few years ago we were having dinner in a nice restaurant and ordered a bottle of Rioca to accompany it. I drank my first glass quickly as I was dry and topped my glass up. When she had finished her glass she picked up the bottle and asked if I wanted another. I said it would be my third so I couldn't as I was driving. "Well you have my second then and I'll have your third and it will be ok!" The issue is, she meant it!!

[mickthemaverick]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian, he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian, he was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow! Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ..."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie:

Spoiler: show

"Well, I never actually met him. He died. I'm married to his b****y widow!"

[myglaren]

I've just asked the current Mrs_******* if she knows what mole grips are. She said "Yeah that's the adjustable wrench you use when you want to round off a nut"

[myglaren]