Joke I found funny...

[doctle]

Not a joke this conversation took place in my house yesterday.

Wife: You better bloody shave before Christmas
Me: Jesus had a beard
Wife: Not when he was born

[myglaren]

[white exec]

[Karata]

Interviewer: Give me an example of when you've been a team player?
Me: Once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married.
Interviewer: And you?
Me: Distracted her husband with an interview.

[mickthemaverick]

A feller walked into the pub and asked the landlord

"Will you stand me a pint if I can amaze you?"
"Yes I will" came the reply "but I've been in the trade a very long time and it will have to be special to amaze me!"

With that, the chap put his gladstone bag on the bar and popped it open. He reached in and took out a tiny grand piano and stool and set them down on the bar. "You're on Diddy" he said into the bag. The landlord stood astounded as a perfectly formed miniature man climbed out of the bag and sat on the piano stool. As the landord admitted he was amazed and pulled the chap's pint, Diddy began to play. The room was filled with fantastic sounds as he played Bach and Beethoven and soon all the customers had gathered round to listen. Requests came in and Diddy played everything asked of him. The drinks were flowing and the landlord bought them all.

As the concert progressed the landlord took the feller aside and asked him where he had found his friend.
"Well" said the chap, "to cut a long story short, I rescued a Tribal Chief's daughter from savage lions in Africa and the chief instructed the medicine man to grant me any one wish as a thankyou. Now I don't know if the medicine man didn't speak english or maybe he just misheard me but

Spoiler: show

I ended up with a ten inch pianist!

[myglaren]

Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked.

"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.

[myglaren]

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?




...... Merry Christmas Eve!!!!!!!

[Hell Razor5543]

For the first time in Intelligence history the KGB, MI5, CIA, FBI, Mossad, the Sicilian Mafia and the Japanese Yakuza have found out what the first name of Mrs. Christmas is.

Spoiler: show

It's Mary. Mary Christmas.

[Hell Razor5543]

I have noticed that some Vauxhall Vivaro vans have a badge saying "Bi Turbo". Does this mean it spins both ways?

[Stickyfinger]

I have noticed that some Vauxhall Vivaro vans have a badge saying "Bi Turbo". Does this mean it spins both ways?

Only if it has self identified as a Trans-it

[white exec]

This does have a funny side . . . while being a tad sobering at the same time.

A one-time printer customer of mine in west London (I kid you not – this is a true story) was something of a rover when it came to dating. He didn't stint in the numbers department.

One morning, he woke up in a young lady's bed, the result of another one-night stand. The young lady had obviously had a good time, and said, "You know, I feel I've known you for some time..."

"How come?" our man asked.

"Well, if I remember rightly, you used to go out with my mum . . . "

[Stickyfinger]

I have watched a young German chap in the Far East come to a very surprising (to him) "realisation" that the girl he was sharing breakfast with was........not a girl !

(Who needs friends to point out these things over your shared eggs and coffee at breakfast)

[ksanturion10]

Me in an Austrian bicycle shop with a colleague:
I say: Look, this electrical bike is only 2000 euro!
He: Aaah, this is for old people...

[Hell Razor5543]

Before anybody complains about this joke, I was told it by somebody who has epilepsy.

If you see somebody having an epileptic fit in a bath what should you do:

Spoiler: show

Quick, chuck the laundry in with them!

[mickthemaverick]

A chap went to his local timber yard and asked for a pound of 6" nails.
"I'm sorry sir, we don't sell 6" nails now we are metric but we do have 150mm ones?"
"Oh, OK I'll have half a kilo of those please!"

Spoiler: show

"We sell them by the pound sir?"