Joke I found funny...

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Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Something doing the rounds on Facebook and other social media;

"After our daughter of fifteen years of age was moved to tears by the speech of Greta Thunberg at the UN the other day, she became angry with our generation “who had been doing nothing for thirty years.”

So, we decided to help her prevent what the girl on TV announced of “massive eradication and the disappearance of entire ecosystems.”

We are now committed to give our daughter a future again, by doing our part to help cool the planet four degrees. From now on she will go to school on a bicycle, because driving her by car costs fuel, and fuel puts emissions into the atmosphere. Of course it will be winter soon and then she will want to go by bus, but only as long as it is a diesel bus. Somehow, that does not seem to be conducive to ‘helping the Climate’. Of course, she is now asking for an electric bicycle, but we have shown her the devastation caused to the areas of the planet as a result of mining for the extraction of Lithium and other minerals used to make batteries for electric bicycles, so she will be pedalling, or walking. Which will not harm her, or the planet. We used to cycle and walk to school too.

Since the girl on TV demanded “we need to get rid of our dependency on fossil fuels” and our daughter agreed with her, we have disconnected the heat vent in her room. The temperature is now dropping to twelve degrees in the evening, and will drop below freezing in the winter, we have promised to buy her an extra sweater, hat, tights, gloves and a blanket. For the same reason we have decided that from now on she only takes a cold shower. She will wash her clothes by hand, with a wooden washboard, because the washing machine is simply a power consumer and since the dryer uses natural gas, she will hang her clothes on the clothes line to dry.

Speaking of clothes, the ones that she currently has are all synthetic, so made from petroleum. Therefore on Monday, we will bring all her designer clothing to the second-hand shop. We have found an eco store where the only clothing they sell is made from undyed and unbleached linen, wool and jute. It shouldn’t matter that it looks good on her, or that she is going to be laughed at, dressing in colourless, bland clothes and without a wireless bra, but that is the price she has to pay for the benefit of The Climate. Cotton is out of the question, as it comes from distant lands and pesticides are used for it. Very bad for the environment.

We just saw on her Instagram that she’s pretty angry with us. This was not our intention. From now on, at 7 p.m. we will turn off the WiFi and we will only switch it on again the next day after dinner for two hours. In this way we will save on electricity, so she is not bothered by electro-stress and will be totally isolated from the outside world. This way, she can concentrate solely on her homework. At eleven o’clock in the evening we will pull the breaker to shut the power off to her room, so she knows that dark is really dark. That will save a lot of CO2.

She will no longer be participating in winter sports to ski lodges and resorts, nor will she be going on anymore vacations with us, because our vacation destinations are practically inaccessible by bicycle. Since our daughter fully agrees with the girl on TV that the CO2 emissions and footprints of her great-grandparents are to blame for ‘killing our planet’, what all this simply means, is that she also has to live like her great-grandparents and they never had a holiday, a car or even a bicycle.

We haven’t talked about the carbon footprint of food yet. Zero CO2 footprint means no meat, no fish and no poultry, but also no meat substitutes that are based on soy (after all, that grows in farmers fields, that use machinery to harvest the beans, trucks to transport to the processing plants, where more energy is used, then trucked to the packaging/canning plants, and trucked once again to the stores) and also no imported food, because that has a negative ecological effect. And absolutely no chocolate from Africa, no coffee from South America and no tea from Asia. Only homegrown potatoes, vegetables and fruit that have been grown in local cold soil, because greenhouses run on boilers, piped in CO2 and artificial light. Apparently, these things are also bad for The Climate. We will teach her how to grow her own food.

Bread is still possible, but butter, milk, cheese and yogurt, cottage cheese and cream come from cows and they emit CO2. No more margarine and no oils will be used for the frying pan, because that fat is palm oil from plantations in Borneo where rain forests first grew. No ice cream in the summer. No soft drinks and no energy drinks, as the bubbles are CO2. She wanted to lose some pounds, well, this will help her achieve that goal too.

We will also ban all plastic, because it comes from chemical factories. Everything made of steel and aluminium must also be removed. Have you ever seen the amount of energy a blast furnace consumes or an aluminium smelter? Uber bad for the climate! We will replace her 9600 coil, memory foam pillow top mattress, with a jute bag filled with straw, with a horse hair pillow.

And finally, she will no longer be using makeup, soap, shampoo, cream, lotion, conditioner, toothpaste and medication. Her sanitary napkins will be replaced with pads made of linen, that she can wash by hand, with her wooden washboard, just like her female ancestors did before climate change made her angry at us for destroying her future. In this way we will help her to do her part to prevent mass extinction, water levels rising and the disappearance of entire ecosystems. If she truly believes she wants to walk the talk of the girl on TV, she will gladly accept and happily embrace her new way of life."

(Harry Enfield's Old Git)..."neayh....Bloody young'uns"
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

There were these two frustrated spinsters, Ethel and Edna, seeing out their lives in an old people’s home.
One day they were sitting in the lounge when a new resident arrived, he was a distinguished looking chap with silver hair and a sunburnt complexion. They rushed over to welcome him and to introduce themselves and they discovered his name was Alfred. He asked them what went on to occupy their days and they had to admit very little but there was a film shown in the evening and they would keep him a seat if he wanted to see it. He agreed to meet them later and they went off to their rooms to ready themselves for an evenings excitement.

When Alf arrived in the lounge Ethel jumped up and beckoned him over to sit in the middle of their
Sofa. Edna explained that it could get chilly in the lounge and they usually shared a blanket to keep their legs warm. Alf agreed to have the blanket over them and they settled down to watch the film.

After twenty minutes or so Alf felt a hand creeping over his left thigh and pulling at his zip. He glance to the left to see Ethel gazing innocently at the screen. He decided to do nothing and sit back and enjoy himself. After 15 minutes of groping the hand slipped away from him and zipped him up again. Another glance to the left revealed a stony, yet contented look on Ethel’s face. He smiled to himself and began to watch the film in earnest.

Another fifteen minutes had gone by when he felt a hand slide over his right thigh and expertly undo his zip and slip inside. This time he glanced to the right to see Edna deeply involved in the action onscreen. Once more he sat back and relaxed to enjoy the moment. A further fifteen minutes went by and the hand withdrew, zipped his trousers and slid away. He looked again to see Edna with a satisfied grin on her face.

Twenty minutes later and the film finished and both ladies rose and said goodnight and went off to their rooms. Alf was left bemused but quite happy and he retired contented with the new home.

The same pattern went on for the next few nights with Alf getting more enjoyment each time until one morning he came down to the lounge to find Ethel alone at the window. He decided it was time to clear the air so he went over to her and said:
“Ethel, I want you to stop doing what you do in the evenings, it just isn’t right!”
“Oh!”, she replied, looking hurt “Does it upset you then?”
“No, of course not, but it just isn’t right so I need you to stop it.”
“Very well it won’t happen again, I’ll tell Edna!”
“No, No! no need to tell Edna, she’s fine.”
“Well, that’s not fair!! What has she got that I havn’t?”
Spoiler: show
“Parkinson’s”
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

James Blunt appears to have a wicked sense of humour, as his Twitter feed shows. Two I have heard about go as follows;

"Marry Me"
"Requests of this nature need to be addressed to Management".

"OMG! James Blunt is on television downstairs. Could this day get any worse?"
"Coming upstairs now"
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

I was at a Carina Round concert a few years ago.
The warm up was James Blunt. If that wasn't bad enough, he had his sister screeching along with him.
Purgatory!
Was just about to leave when Carina came on.
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NewcastleFalcon
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by NewcastleFalcon »

heard on the car radio the other day...
One of James Blunt fans said she thought that she must be one of the only two people in the world who liked all of his songs.

James replied...no you are on your own there!

Regards Neil
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Sloppysod
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Sloppysod »

Not a joke but.......... I see a man in a car park pushing his car (BMW)
  • Me "Are you trying to bump start it?"
  • Him "yes"
  • so I gave him a help pushing it
  • Him,to the person in the drivers seat "right put the clutch down"
  • Reply from drivers seat " Nothing, did not work"
  • Me " do they know what to do?"
  • him "eh?"
  • Me, to the drivers seat "Put the clutch down and put it in first a when we say go, release the clutch as quick as possible, but smoothly, and when it starts hit the accelerator and put the clutch down again"
  • Him "No, you need to depress the clutch to start it"
At that time a person come along with some jump leads, I think the person in the drivers seat when he say put the clutch down was also trying to turn the key...............! [-X #-o

Are these basics, like how to bump start a car no longer passed down to the youngsters
Peter.N.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Peter.N. »

How would they manage with a starting handle?

Peter
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

1573054536870_image1.jpeg
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A GP tells one of his patients, a water fowl farmer, that he can no longer make house calls to the farm. His patient, concerned, asks "Why not?". The GP responds that he is fed up with being insulted by the farmers' ducks, explaining that "Every time I visit they keep calling me a 'quack'!".
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bobins
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by bobins »

^^^^^^^
#-o
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

bobins wrote:
12 Nov 2019, 20:24
^^^^^^^
#-o
Blame Alasdair for his POTD of the British Ducks at the Pub reminding me of that joke! :D
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

There was a duck and an orange drinking at the bar. The orange looked at the duck and said "Do you always go out in your slippers?
The duck turned round, grabbed a bottle off the bar and smashed the orange into pulp.
"That was a bit harsh" said the barman.
"I just don't like orange sauce!!"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Epitaph on a Gravestone;

"Here lies the body of our M.P.,
He promised great things for you and me,
His words and deeds he did not fulfil,
And although he's dead he's lying still!".

----------------------------------------------

What if there was a General Election, and NOBODY turned out to vote?
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

I was explaining to my partner last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said "i would like to come back as a cow." I said "You're obviously not listening."
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

You must have an acute power of observation to get this one.

Look closely
pic 1.jpg

Notice anything?
pic 2.jpg
pic 2.jpg (10.1 KiB) Viewed 258 times

Look closely..........
pic3.jpg

You see it now?......... Still don't see it ??
pic 4.jpg

Come on now
pic 5.jpg

For Christ's sake... I’ve cleaned out my garage!!!!!