Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

An elderly man checks into the “old folks home “.

An elderly woman walks up to him and says “hey handsome, want some super sex?

The old guy says “I’ll have the soup”.

[mickthemaverick]

Apparently Michael O'Leary of Ryanair fame has refused to have an electric car because...

Spoiler: show

he couldn't charge it enough!

[myglaren]

Geordie accent to be banned under proposed data encryption laws

Priti Patel calls for end to encryption


The Geordie accent will be banned under new encryption laws being proposed by the home secretary, we can report today.

Prompted by Priti Patel, the laws are intended to make it illegal to use any form of communication which is not comprehensible to the police and security services, meaning that people from Newcastle are well stuffed.


Geordies are unhappy at the news, we think, after one told us,

“Ah think it’s deed ladgeful that people want tuh Sta wor talkin leek this.
“It’s neet leek wor talkin is difficult tuh understand. it’s just words leek.
“We’re neet deeyuhn any terrorism or owt,”

they concluded, incomprehensibly.

Scouse and Glaswegian accents are also expected to be prohibited.

“The purpose of encryption is to take meaningful communication and turn it into a string of meaningless gobbledygook which nobody in their right mind can understand,”
a spokesman for GCHQ told us.

“So that’s the Welsh language right out as well, come to think about it.

“Did you know the Welsh word for ‘year’ is ‘blwyddyn’?* How are we supposed to work that out? There’s not even any vowels to start with.

“I’m not Alan (-expletive removed-) Turing, you know.”

People from Newcastle are allegedly furious about the new laws, but frankly it’s impossible to be certain without an interpreter.

[doctle]

After years being unemployed my brother got a a job cooking fish in a Chinese restaurant. He's still between a wok and a hard plaice

[mickthemaverick]

I have a sister in a similar situation but it's hard to say what she does, She sells seashells on the seashore!!

[myglaren]

[mickthemaverick]

The old ones are the best ones:
Two flies were playing football in a saucer, one fly says "We'll have to play better than this next week". "Why?" says his mate.

Spoiler: show

"We're playing in the cup!!"

[mickthemaverick]

The Vicar arrived at the golf club to find a message from the Bishop waiting for him "I'm really sorry, I have to attend a dying man and I cannot get there for our match against the Priests. I'm sure you will find one of our followers around to take my place. If you can you must play the match and good luck!" The Vicar was a little worried but he went into the clubhouse to find a makeshift partner. Unfortunately the bar was empty so he went into the pro shop and asked if they knew of any C of E members who were available to partner him against their Catholic rivals. The best advice they could give was to go to the greenkeeper's shed and see if the gardener could help him out. He duly popped in and met Ernie, the gardener's labourer, who said he would be happy to help.

They headed to the first tee where they met their opponents. The priests offered to have a friendly wager whereby the losers would buy the dinner after the round and after they agreed they teed off. The priest's outplayed them from the first tee to the eighteenth green and they finished the round 14 shots behind. The Vicar was fuming, feeling that he had played well and not dropped a shot, he turned to Ernie as they entered the clubhouse and said
"You are absolutely useless, don't ever offer to help our church again!!" then he sighed and added "What have you got to say for yourself?"
Ernie looked up sheepishly and said "I'm really sorry sir, but what can you expect, I'm only a country member!"
"Oh don't worry," replied the Vicar "I'll remember!!"

[doctle]

I told the wife I wanted a set of snooker balls for Christmas she replied "No point, you'd break them"

[Hell Razor5543]

A newspaper has published a list of "The Most Useless Jobs in the World". The jobs on this list are the sort that the employees feel there is no point in them turning up for work, and if they didn't nobody would notice. Top of the list was;

Spoiler: show

Indicator Fitters working for BMW

See if you can work out what the rest of the top 10 were.

[mickthemaverick]

Dare I offer double yellow line painters in London?

[NewcastleFalcon]

A newspaper has published a list of "The Most Useless Jobs in the World". The jobs on this list are the sort that the employees feel there is no point in them turning up for work, and if they didn't nobody would notice. Top of the list was;

Spoiler: show

Indicator Fitters working for BMW

See if you can work out what the rest of the top 10 were.

Businessmen.....particularly on an aeroplane



Regards Neil

[Hell Razor5543]

A friend of mine had a problem with a fairly new car (still under warranty), so he took it back to the dealership. When he was asked what the problem was, he responded "It has a transvestite gearbox". The dealership technician said "I think you mean it has a transverse engine, and that is normal on this model of car". "No", replied my friend" it has a transvestite gearbox. It keeps changing into the wrong gear!".

[mickthemaverick]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says"Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason,
And it scares me."

The Doctor says:
"I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry,
Just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room
Or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor,
Looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says:
"Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it,
I swished with water. I swished and swished,
And he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says:
"The water itself does nothing.

Spoiler: show

It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…"

[myglaren]

Astronaut 1: - Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: - In space, no one can. Here, use cream.