Joke I found funny...

MikeT · Unread post by **MikeT** » 06 May 2011, 09:38

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says

'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.
Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,

'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ?'

She said

'No, I don't think you understand - my name was Bruce and I played rugby for Wales ...'

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Woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband

comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a
sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and

reborn..

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband

came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he

didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

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The Doctor says:

"The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"

citronut · Unread post by **citronut** » 13 May 2011, 18:24

a Native American Red Indian introduced me to his wife "this is Three Horses"

i said thats a beautiful name what does it mean,

he said Nag Nag Nag

regards malcolm

Trainman · Unread post by **Trainman** » 14 May 2011, 20:16

Fred was a ventriloquist and he had only had three bookings in the last six months.

He phoned his agent who told him that there was not much call for ventriloquists these days,it was psychics who were making big money.

Fred put an ad in his local shop offering his services as a ventriloquist and within an hour a woman knocked on his door. ' How much do you charge, ' she enquired, ' I want to speak to my late father.

'' Well if you speak to him its fifty pounds, if he speaks too you its sixty pounds and if you speak to each other while I'm drinking a glass of water its a hundred and twenty five pounds. "

Trainman · Unread post by **Trainman** » 29 May 2011, 19:24

In a recent survey:

6 out of 7 dwarfs weren't happy......

Unread post by **CitroJim** » 29 May 2011, 19:28

That's a clever one Steve... I like it

Unread post by **myglaren** » 03 Jun 2011, 19:57

There will be a terrible darkness. Thence will come the thunder, the likes of which has never been hereto heard before. Followed by great bolts of lightening which will rend the sky apart. A deluge will follow, washing many before it. Then shall come the frogs falling from the skies, and then a swarm of locust will cover the land...
Further south, a few light showers will clear by lunchtime leaving the afternoon bright and sunny.

Marty Feldman

Trainman · Unread post by **Trainman** » 03 Jun 2011, 20:06

@GeneHunt (Twitter)

Did you hear about the Peruvian baker who dropped a massive minced pork, onion and potato pie on his foot? He's now on Inca Pastie Benefit.

I am nobody...nobody is perfect...therefore I am perfect.

I bought my girlfriend a card. She seemed unhappy! Shame 'cos gym membership cards cost a fortune these days

For Sale: Broken Quiz Machine. No questions asked.

You know times are hard when the bulb in your petrol light needs replacing.

I tried playing darts with a hedgehog - scored 3180!

My gran's going downhill fast. Maybe I should've had a better grip of her wheelchair handles.

There was a letter on my doormat this morning with "do not bend" on it.I thought, well how the hell am I going to pick it up?

Hospital gowns are a bit like insurance. You're never covered as much as you think you are.

My girlfriend says I'm ignorant. ..... I've absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

My girlfriend's mother got run over the other day. The driver said he had enough room to get round her - but he didn't have enough petrol.

I didn't punch him, I merely high fived his face.

Experts say that alcohol, smoking and fat are bad for you! But whatever you do, DON'T WORRY.....'cos that's bad for you too.

I haven't been ignoring you.........I've been prioritizing you.

An ice cream van exploded in the street earlier. When I got there the area was already coned off. Hundreds and thousands had to be evacuated

addo · Unread post by **addo** » 03 Jun 2011, 23:09

Trainman wrote:You know times are hard when the bulb in your petrol light needs replacing.

I didn't punch him, I merely high fived his face.

I haven't been ignoring you.........I've been prioritizing you.

I can relate to the first, almost - it's no longer bright red but faded to a sullen yellow-brown.

As to the second - "I didn't start it. He hit me back first!"

On the third highlighted point - guilty as charged.

Unread post by **CitroJim** » 05 Jun 2011, 16:53

IRISH CHRISTENING

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins .... a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, however, they were very ill at birth, and had to be
christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ..'I really like Denise '

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '

Deanxm · Unread post by **Deanxm** » 05 Jun 2011, 17:01

Exellent Jim

D

Trainman · Unread post by **Trainman** » 12 Jun 2011, 22:05

I rang the council today to ask if i could have a skip outside my house tomorrow. The guy said "you can cartwheel round the block for all i care ...!"

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Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network.

This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iSh*g function.

Unread post by **myglaren** » 22 Jun 2011, 17:24

No Joke:

Once I got detailed as part of a work party to unload supplies. And there were ongoing questions as to where what was supposed to go. Some of those supplies were medical supplies.

While holding a case of suppositories, a Seaman Apprentice asked the rest of us "What am I supposed to do with these suppositories?"

Xaccers · Unread post by **Xaccers** » 05 Jul 2011, 19:45

Darwin Awards 2011

The Winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

The Honourable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Unread post by **Paul-R** » 08 Jul 2011, 09:19

The English Language

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capitalisation.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement.

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that now?

Trainman · Unread post by **Trainman** » 08 Jul 2011, 10:35

Those of us who are YORKSHIREMEN will really appreciate this
one or as they say 'YOU DON'T GET OWT FOR NOWT' - Cheers

A Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. As she takes his order of a pint of JOHN SMITHS she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and although she is attracted to him, she says no.

He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders JOHN SMITHS and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200

She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to
agree.

This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders JOHN SMITHS but goes and sits in the corner

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she
can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in
Yorkshire

‘ Leeds ’ he tells her

‘So am I, what suburb?’ She enquires

‘Headingley’ he replies

‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what street?’

‘ Boycott Street ’ he replies

‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What number?’

‘Number 20’ he replies

She is totally astonished. ‘You are not going to believe this’ she screams, ‘but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there’

‘I know’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’

HE WHO DRINKS YORKSHIRE, THINKS YORKSHIRE