Joke I found funny...

[NewcastleFalcon]

Quite a notable event at the Pickled Egg. Who should come in but God, looking a bit fed up to be honest.

The landlord, always mindful of the feelings of the punter, asked sensitively

"Everything OK?"

Stemming the tears, God said...

"Not really. I have been working my socks off, and have just created 24 hours of alternating light and dark but now everyone just takes it for granted, and there's no thanks for what I have done.....so...after a lot of thought......I've decided to call it a day...."

REgards Neil

[mickthemaverick]

Why couldn't the Tory party put on a nativity play?















They couldn't find three wise men!!!

[crapday69]

Think that goes for all our parties

[mickthemaverick]

During the open championship in the 1970s a tournament was brought to a standstill while an electric storm developed over the course. The officials called all the players and staff into the clubhouse to sit out the storm. An intrepid tv reporter moved among the players to get their views on the reaction of the officials when they noticed that Lee Trevino wasn't in the room. A search party was dispatched to find him on the 14th hole where he had been playing. Arriving at the hole the party saw him in the middle of the fairway with a club in his hand raised to the sky. "Mr Trevino, please come inside out of the storm immediately" called the club secretary. "Don't worry about me," came the reply "even He can't hit a one iron!!"

[crapday69]

Now there’s a name from the past.

[myglaren]

Yesterday at 14:45
#26
The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves the needle.

Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."

The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

[Karata]

Online dating... I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat I went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much - probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or... join an Intel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold - 5'2" baby, blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck.

I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught Sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner.

On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she did recreational drugs.

"Oh, heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."

I said okay, weed's 50/50 - some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink.

I said "You don't drink?!"

"Oh, heaven's no - what would I tell my Sunday school children."

Excellent food, sparkling conversation but I'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this.

So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So I ask:

"Wanna get a room and... knock boots?"

She says: I thought you'd never ask!

I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?

She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

[Gibbo2286]

In the depths of the African countryside there is a tribe of pigmies called the Elawi, they live in the long grass savanna.

They can be found jumping up and down all day shouting "We're the Elawi."

[doctle]

I brought our vacuum cleaner to an American repair place on the high street. I said to the guy behind the counter "this Hoover doesn't suck" He replied "bring it back when it does man"

[mickthemaverick]

The family got into a huge row over whether to bury Granny or cremate her! It got so heated that in the end we decided to let her live!

[Hell Razor5543]

I brought our vacuum cleaner to an American repair place on the high street. I said to the guy behind the counter "this Hoover doesn't suck" He replied "bring it back when it does man"

Kelly Montieth, an American comedian living in the UK, came up with a similar joke in that he took a vacuum cleaner back to the shop where he bought it, exclaiming "This thing sucks!", to which he got the reply "I am glad to hear it, sir".

[bobins]

Q: What's the best way to listen to bagpipes ?
A: With binoculars.

[doctle]

Q: What's the best way to listen to bagpipes ?
A: With binoculars.

That's like the definition of a gentleman - Someone that knows how to play the accordion, and doesn't

[Hell Razor5543]

I used to live in Scotland. I feel that the music from a Scottish bagpipe band played WELL is a lovely, stirring sound. However, I will admit the cacophony produced from a badly played set of bagpipes sounds not dissimilar to the noise produced by a cat straining to evacuate its bowels through a sewn up anus!

[bobins]

However, I will admit the cacophony produced from a badly played set of bagpipes sounds not dissimilar to the noise produced by a cat straining to evacuate its bowels through a sewn up anus!

I have to ask : how do you know ?