Joke I found funny...

[Karata]

Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

[myglaren]

Meanwhile, what news of Mafeking?



Ladysmith is relieved. Lord Smith is exhausted.

[CitroJim]

Meanwhile, what news of Mafeking?



Ladysmith is relieved. Lord Smith is exhausted.

[Karata]

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

---

I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.
She said she didn’t have time.

---

I'm a huge fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, "Three Hundred Million Dollars."

[Stickyfinger]

[Stickyfinger]

[Karata]

During my check-up I asked the doctor...
"Hey doc, do ya think I'll live long and have a healthy New Year?"
He replied, "I seriously doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now."
"I don't go in for any of that astrology bullshit.", I said.
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

---

Sick of people telling me to “calm down”...
and “release the hostages.”

[Hell Razor5543]

A German family has opened up a Chinese taka away in the area. As they had good reviews I decided to try one of their meals. It was really nice, but half an hour later I was hungry for power!

[Stickyfinger]

Since it started snowing all my wife does is stare at the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

[CitroJim]

^^

[crapday69]

My wife asked me if I wanted dinner. I asked her what my options where. She said Yes or (-expletive removed-) No.

[myglaren]

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks, still wearing his old flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, Bristol 138s, Aircobras, the Albamarle bomber and the Argosy Transport . I've taught more than 200 people to fly and taken part in Air Shows all over the place, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, my dear, what are you?' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: ' Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[CitroJim]

^^^ Love it That is so funny in a beautifully subtle way...

[white exec]

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

[moizeau]

A young lad, walking through a disused factory found a welders mask. Picked it up, put it on. Due to the broken glass, the light refracted in ways he'd never seen before. He was amazed and wandered round staring.
A voice came from behind him.
"Hello lad, would you like some sweets?"
"No thank you" said the lad "I don't take gifts from people I don't know"
"Very wise" said the voice "Do you know what voyeurism is?"
"No" said the lad, and continued walking round, mesmerised by the lights.
"Do you know what masturbation is? said the voice.
"No" said the lad, a little confused.
"Do you know what fornication is? said the voice.
At this point the lad had had enough with these strange questions "I'M NOT A REAL WELDER MATE"