Joke I found funny...

[Gibbo2286]

Blocked in my country on copyright grounds.

[Pug_XUD_KeenAmateur]

was scouring the scrappies earlier, and this tickled me....

[Karata]

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card. The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"

The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday."

[Paul-R]

Warning to ladies with "High Ideals"

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in the city. This is where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On each floor the signs on the doors read:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[white exec]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table and asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the café closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business . . .

[Paul-R]

(Uploaded image instead)

[white exec]

Saw a man in front of an ATM the other day, standing on one leg, and gently swaying.
Apparently he was just checking his balance.

[white exec]

Guy walks into a pharmacy, and asks the assistant for three packets of condoms.
"Do you want a paper bag with that?" the girl asks.
"No thanks - she's pretty good looking . . ."

Sorry, but I had to laugh. Penances will surely follow.

[Gibbo2286]

I can do condom jokes too:

Guy walks into a pharmacy, and asks the assistant for a packet of condoms.

"That's £4.00 sir."

"Hell that's expensive!"

"It's the tax sir."

"Forget the tacks, I'll tie 'em on with string."

[Karata]

Airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage and they've only known her a couple of minutes…

[Karata]

A good essay is like a miniskirt: long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep things interesting.

[Paul-R]

[white exec]

Fifty Shades of Grey for Seniors

Back and forth . . . in and out . . . in and out . . . a little to the right . . . a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . she was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. Forwards then backwards . . . forward then backward. again . . . and again . . . her heart was pounding now. Her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream. "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

[Gibbo2286]

How to be a GP.

Buy a white coat and a few packets of Smarties.

Most simple ailments self cure in fourteen days so this is the treatment, give the patient a handful of yellow Smarties, tell him/her to take two four times a day for two weeks.

Normally the patient will recover and tell everyone what a good doctor you are.

If the patient returns after the fortnight not recovered, give him/her a handful of 'stronger' red Smarties.

The patient will either recover, get worse or die, if he/she gets worse refer to the nearest hospital, if he/she dies...……..'Well if only he/she had come to you sooner.'

[daviemck2006]

How to service a c1 in a power cut