Joke I found funny...

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crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Hell Razor5543 wrote:
29 Apr 2018, 17:44
Direct Sales Only; - Manufacturer has had a falling out with the distributers


yep that was what happened when I worked with a satellite manufacturer when the European buyer sent them back due to faults with the units. LOL When they worked they where the best in the world though and I aint joking about that.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.

One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled: "Who turned on the fu**ing lights!"

"Oh, no sir" - the nearest flight attendant replied. - "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fu**ing lights'."
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Not a joke, but more of an accurate observation of business.

Take a group of chimpanzees, and place then in a suitable environment. Let them get used to it, and then, one morning, before they get let into the main area, add a step ladder. Now let them out. Obviously, as chimpanzees are observant and intelligent, they are going to want to investigate it. However, you have added a hidden surprise. As soon as any of the group touches it the whole group are soaked with water cannons. When they retreat the cannons are turned off. Soon it will get to the point that no member of the group will touch it (even if you were to place their favourite food on it).

Now, remove one member of the group and replace them with another chimpanzee. This new chimpanzee will want to investigate his new environment, including that step ladder. However, he is horrified to see that, when he approaches the step ladder the whole of the rest of the group rushes at him to prevent him from touching the step ladder. Eventually he gives up on trying to investigate that step ladder (and, because of the determination of the main group to keep the step ladder sacrosanct, the water cannons do not get used), and learns that the rest of the group REALLY do not want ANY chimpanzee to touch that step ladder (he also observes that the rest of the group will not touch it).

Replace another member of the original group with another newcomer. Like the first newcomer, this chimpanzee will set out to investigate, but when they approach the step ladder the rest of the group will rush to prevent this from happening (including the first newcomer!). Eventually the second newcomer will stop trying to investigate the step ladder.

Continue with the replacement routine until all of the original group has been replaced. None of the replacements will approach the step ladder, despite never having been soaked by the water cannon. Why? They don't know why, but it has always been that way.

Remind you of anything?
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Gonna buy my wife wife some slippers and a vibrator for her birthday. If she doesn't like the slippers then she can go and f*ck herself.
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Paul-R
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

Hell Razor5543 wrote:
04 May 2018, 19:26
Remind you of anything?
Um, not really. What are you getting at?
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

I went to the doctor’s office and told him, "I feel like such a failure. All 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up."
He said, "Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen."
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Rugby man

Post by Karata »

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. .. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3,000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go.

But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet!

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t ?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by white exec »

It might come to us all . . .
- recently posted on another phpBB forum, Andalucia.com, in The Amigos' Lounge

A Group of Old Boys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a loo for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because they had never been there before.
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Nelson Mandela

Post by Karata »

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says





(Get your best Chinese accent ready):










"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Stickyfinger »

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said:

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh."

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said:

"What she really said was: 666-136-429"
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Post by Karata »

WTF is an acronym
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

In a supermarket a woman is loudly screaming abusive language at her two kids, one about 13 the other 8 ish.

A nearby guy says to her "Nice twins."

"What do you mean 'twins'?" she says, "They obviously ain't &*%^& twins"

"Sorry missus" says the guy, "I just couldn't believe somebody would shag you twice."
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Pug_XUD_KeenAmateur »

Its an old joke but nevertheless I was a bit surprised to notice this in Nine Springs Country Park (lovely spot for a bit of R&R). Good on em!

Thanks for the laugh, and RIP Mr Lawrence.
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Paul-R
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

The England football team visited an orphanage in Russia shortly after they arrived today.

"It's heart-breaking to see their little faces with no hope."said Vladimir, aged 6.