Joke I found funny...

[Stickyfinger]

A group of primary school children are taken to Wincanton Racecourse for a day at the races. The two teachers decided to take the children to the toilets between races, one takes the boys and one the girls.
The teacher looking after the boys is waiting outside when one of them comes out and says they can't reach the urinal and could she come in to lift them up.
She reluctantly goes inside and lifts them one by one to do their business.
As she is doing this she couldn't help notice that one of them was particularly well endowed and says to him "You must be in year 6"
"Not me love" he replies, "I'm riding Silver Shadow in the 2.15"

[CitroJim]

^^^

[Gibbo2286]

This good looking young lady will start your day with a laugh.
https://www.facebook.com/bkelly22001/vi ... n_generic

[Hell Razor5543]

A young lady is in the delivery room, giving birth to her first child. After a long time of puffing, panting and pushing the baby's head pops out. Looking at the doctor, the baby asks "Are you my daddy?". The startled doctor answers "No!", and the baby's head goes back inside.

The obstetrician is summoned, and as soon as he arrives the baby's head pops out again. "Are you my Daddy?" the baby asks. "No" comes the reply, and, again, the baby's head goes back inside.

Meanwhile a nurse goes down to the waiting area to find the father. "Your son seems somewhat reluctant to be born, and he keeps asking for his father" says the nurse.

They go back to the delivery room, and as soon as they go in the baby's head pops out again. "Are YOU my daddy?" the baby asks again, and, leaning in close, the father lovingly answers "Yes". The baby then reaches out one arm and starts tapping his fathers' forehead forcibly and repeatedly while asking "Do you find this as annoying as I did?".

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What is worse than a bull in a china shop?
A hedgehog in a condom factory!

[crapday69]

[Stickyfinger]

Two mice meet in a pub (cellar) and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new lush boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.

“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “your f###ing a bat!.............hahahahahaha”

“What?! Said the other Mouse, "the BAS@@@D told me he was a pilot!”

[Hell Razor5543]

How can a woman stop her husband from reading her e-mails?
Rename the Inbox to "Instruction Manuals".

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Good news; You have decided to give "The Birds and Bees" talk to your ten year old daughter.
Bad news; She keeps interrupting.
Worse news; With corrections!

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Bad news; You find a pornographic film in your son's collection.
Worse news; You are in it!

-----

Bad news; You are arrested for flashing.
Worse news; The victim decides it is not worth pressing charges, and neither do the police.

[Karata]

Flight Attendant: Sir... you need to put your phone in airplane mode.
Me: We've been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

[myglaren]

I had a happy childhood, my Mum would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill. Oh they were Goodyears.

[MikeT]

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her.
Or something like that...

[CitroJim]

A row of three good ones there

[Hell Razor5543]

A duck is standing by the side of a road when a chicken walks up to it. "Don't do it", the chicken says, "You'll never hear the end of it if you so!".

The navigator of a cruise liner is trying to get them through thick fog. After a while he turns to the captain and says "I think there is something wrong with the navigation equipment". "What makes you think that?" asks the captain. "Well, it is because we have just been overtaken by a number 42 bus!".

After a terrible round, a golfer, as he approaches the 18th hole, spots there is a lake adjacent to it. In a state of despair he turns to his caddy and says "I have had such a terrible round I think I will go and drown myself in that lake". His caddy turns a withering look on him, and replies "Could you keep your head down for long enough?".

[Hell Razor5543]

Commonly used advertising phrases, and what they actually mean.

New; - Different colour from the last design
All New; - Parts are not interchangeable with those from a previous design
Redesigned; - Previous flaws fixed (we hope)
Exclusive; - Imported product
Unrivalled; - Almost as good as the competition
Energy Saving; - When the power is off
Advanced Design; - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
Futuristic; - No other reason for the way it looks
Latest Aerospace Technology; - One of our tech guys was laid off by Boeing
Field Tested; - Manufacturer lacks proper test equipment
Years of Development; - We finally got one to work
Breakthrough; - We finally figured out a use for it
Fool-proof Operation; - No provision for adjustments
Performance Proven; - Will operate throughout the warranty period
Direct Sales Only; - Manufacturer has had a falling out with the distributers
Maintenance Free; - Impossible to repair
Meets all Standards; - Ours, not yours

(Yes, courtesy of that book!)

[CitroJim]

And the irony is James - it's all so true...

[crapday69]

I had a happy childhood, my Mum would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill. Oh they were Goodyears.

I had sex every single day last year and recycled the condoms into a tyre all 365 of them. That was a Goodyear.