Joke I found funny...

trublu · Unread post by **trublu** » 25 Feb 2011, 11:05

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Xaccers · Unread post by **Xaccers** » 27 Feb 2011, 21:05

Ear Infection

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't p**s out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose.

And another one:

Two annoying teens on a bus were sat behind an elderly fellow, having a laugh and a joke about a top-shelf magazine they were holding. One waved it in front of the disapproving gent and asked, "Remember what this is grandpa..?"

"Yes", he replied, "..it's a DIY manual for spotty teenagers".

Trainman · Unread post by **Trainman** » 09 Apr 2011, 23:03

My daughter asked me for a spider for her birthday, so I went to the pet shop and they waned £70. I thought 'stuff that' I can get them cheaper off the web.......

Unread post by **myglaren** » 09 Apr 2011, 23:06

Grooooooan

Trainman · Unread post by **Trainman** » 12 Apr 2011, 08:54

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. " I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

addo · Unread post by **addo** » 12 Apr 2011, 09:55

Clever! I'll pay that.

Trainman · Unread post by **Trainman** » 25 Apr 2011, 15:23

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued...

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

MikeT · Unread post by **MikeT** » 03 May 2011, 07:51

Wish the Americans would take over operations at my local council.
You never get the bins taken out on a bank holiday in the UK.

The allies have wasted years searching for him. Turns out he's bin laden bed all the time.

Elton John's releasing a tribute song; sandals in the bin

Deanxm · Unread post by **Deanxm** » 03 May 2011, 18:33

Dont take long do they

He is probably suffering rather badly somwhere about now.

D

Unread post by **CitroJim** » 03 May 2011, 19:01

Maybe this week's BBC R4 Obituary programme will be renamed "Bin and Gone"

It's normally called "Last Word"...

Unread post by **CitroJim** » 04 May 2011, 21:24

I had a phone call from the ramblers association this morning..

He went on and on and on and on...

davetherave · Unread post by **davetherave** » 04 May 2011, 23:25

Several days after recieving his new Iphone, bin laden bitterly regrets signing up to facebooks where in the world are you app.

addo · Unread post by **addo** » 05 May 2011, 10:43

I suppose the subject matter could be anyone almost, but had a wry chuckle at this...

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Mel Gibson. They're asking for a $310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon!"

Unread post by **CitroJim** » 05 May 2011, 12:11

That's a good one Adam. I saw a similar take on it but with our erstwhile prime minister Gordon Brown as the subject...

addo · Unread post by **addo** » 05 May 2011, 12:30

Speaking of him, I did like the parody of "Golden Brown" that appeared soon enough during his incumbency.

French Car Forum

Joke I found funny...

Still makes me laugh!!!!