Joke I found funny...

[white exec]

The stuff of nightmares...

[CitroJim]

^^^ Chris

I had similar with my own dad...

And so will my kids

[Stickyfinger]

[CitroJim]

^^

[Karata]

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, Duck!”

[bobins]

US firearms

[myglaren]

[crapday69]

what's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil, you wouldn't pay £20 for a lentil on your face.

[crapday69]

[MikeT]

Standup comic on the topic of his latest car - a people carrier

Getting a people carrier is like the equivalent of wearing Cordroy slacks....

It's a sign to the world you've give up....

You just want some comfort and space.


"I made a mistake you will only make once. Poured petrol into a diesel car"....

It's like pouring gin into a woman....

Because you know at some point during the evening, she's going to break down.


The RAC turned up, and we all know they don't do anything subtle....

They turn up in a great big bright orange van with big orange flashing lights....

They turn up like this so that people in passing cars and planes know you're a d**k-head.

[CitroJim]

^^ Mike, that's excellent! The first two are so true but the third... Well, no, not all breakdowns are down to stupidity...

[Hell Razor5543]

I was in a charity shop, looking at the books section when I saw one with a title that I just HAD to buy. It is a compendium of jokes. The title?

A Dyslexic walks into a Bra!

[CitroJim]

James, was he the same one who suffered insomnia and lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog?

[Hell Razor5543]

Probably, Jim.

One day, early in the history of the Earth, God decides he wants Adam and Eve to populate the Earth. To get them warming up he tells Adam to kiss Eve. Adam asks "What is a kiss?", which God then explains. Adam leads Eve behind a bush, and after a few minutes Adam reappears and says "Thank you Lord, that was most enjoyable".

Then God tells Adam to caress Eve. Adam asks "What is a caress?", which God also explains. They go behind the bush again, and after ten minutes or so Adam comes back out, saying "Thank you Lord, that was even more enjoyable".

Finally God tells Adam to make love to Eve. Adam asks the inevitable question, and God explains. Adam goes behind the bush, but re-appears after a few seconds, asking "Lord, what is a headache?".

---

God has almost finished creating the Universe and all within when he finds there are a couple of things left over. He calls by The Garden of Eden and tells them he has a couple of useful things left over, and they can have one each. "The first one is the ability to pee standing up" the Lord says "which, while it does not sound very interesting, could be useful".

Adam starts jumping up and down saying that he wants that ability. God asks Eve if that is OK with her, to which Eve wearily replies "Well, if it makes him happy he can have it".

God then says "OK, Adam, you now have the ability to pee standing up. Now, what was the other ability? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."

[CitroJim]

^^^

James, two there of absolute top quality