Joke I found funny...

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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

^^^ Mike - :rofl2:

Made me howl...

Still, she should be pleased... It stops chafing - especially if she's a cyclist...

In fact, lady cyclists are routinely given the advice to never shave 'down there' as it results in very bad and uncomfortable chafing...

I'd assume it equally applies to us boys too...
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

A senior high court judge is holidaying in remote parts of Africa, he meets a chief who's interested in bringing the English court system to his country,

After chatting a while the judge leaves the chief a lot of information about the way the system works, law books and news reports on some of the cases he's taken and promises to come back in a few months to see how it's going.

On his return he's invited to sit in and watch the court in action, everything seems ok except that on several occasion a beautiful young lady dashes in goes around the court and shakes her naked breasts in front of the lawyers.

At the end the judge tells the chief that his court is fabulous but he can't understand the naked girl.

The old chief gets out a copy of a court report in the News of the World and points to "The judge made a remark to the leading barrister and a titter ran round the court."
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

The kids nicknamed grandpa "spiderman"
He doesn't have any superhuman abilities or anything like that, he just needs help getting out the bath.
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Pug_XUD_KeenAmateur
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Pug_XUD_KeenAmateur »

Beware, Di-Hydrogen Monoxide !!

http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

Have immense fun with the conspiracy theorists on contrails with stuff like that.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

We're having a lovely spell of hot dry weather down here in NZ.

Watering restrictions are now in force, and SWMBO is determined to do her bit to help.

KD: "Oh, Light of my Life, why is there a bucket in the shower?"

SWMBO: "It's to save water" "When you turn on the shower, put the shower head in the bucket, collecting the water until it's hot enough to use"

KD: "But what do I do with the bucket when I'm showering?" "It'll get full of soapy water, and there's not really enough room for it and me"

SWMBO: *big sigh * "You take it out to the back door and leave it there"

KD: "But I'll be in the nude, and the water will still be running, so being wasted"

SWMBO: "Don't be silly, there's no-one about at night, and only a little water will be wasted"

KD: *reluctantly* "If you say so dear"

*fills bucket and staggers to back door*








KD: "Oh hello Mrs Milovale, warm night out, isn't it?"
MikeT
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself?
Well-played Santa.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

MikeT wrote:
24 Dec 2017, 13:47
Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself?
Well-played Santa.


:lol:

He's so judgemental though... Deciding who's been naughty and who's been nice...
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

CitroJim wrote:
24 Dec 2017, 14:56
MikeT wrote:
24 Dec 2017, 13:47
Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself?
Well-played Santa.


:lol:

He's so judgemental though... Deciding who's been naughty and who's been nice...


I feel sorry for him, having worked in the delivery business, so I was naughty just to save him a trip.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Pull grandad's chair back from the fireplace, he's fallen asleep again.
crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Well i've been working 12 hour shifts with a 2.5 hour drive to and from work for the last 35 days without a day off just to help Santa. Think i'll just sleep through the festivities.

Knock Knock Who's there? Avery Avery who? Avery merry Christmas!

Knock Knock Who's there? Donut Donut who? Donut open til Christmas!

Knock Knock! Who's there? Rabbit. Rabbit who? Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!

Knock Knock Who's there? Centipede. Centipede who? Centipede on the Christmas tree.

Knock Knock Who's there? Snow Snow who? Snow business like show business!

Knock Knock Who's there? Wayne Wayne who? Wayne in a manger...!

Knock Knock Who's there? Oakham Oakham who? Oakham all ye faithfull...!

Knock Knock Who's there! Anna! Anna who? Anna partridge in a pear tree.

Knock Knock Who's there? Holly Holly who? Holly-days are here again!

Knock Knock Who's there? Rudolph Rudolph who? Money is the Rudolph of all evil!

Knock Knock Who's there? Igloo Igloo who? Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie!

Knock Knock Who's there? Mary Mary who? Mary Christmas !


Sorry for that lol
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

crapday69 wrote:
24 Dec 2017, 15:54
Sorry for that lol


No need to be sorry, it's great :) Loved it!
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A prawn and a crab start dating. They are very much in love, but the prawn knows her parents would disapprove of her boyfriend the crab. They find out about the crab, and demand to meet him. After the loving couple manage to put off the inevitable her parents issue the ultimatum that they must meet the crab, otherwise they will prevent their daughter from leaving the family home. The meeting is arranged for one evening.

The crab starts talking to a good friend. He knows his girlfriends' parents will not like him, and he wants some advise on how to win them over. His friend tells him to have a few very strong drinks before the meeting, and all will be well. The crab is not sure about this idea, but his friend says it will work.

On the evening in question there is a knock at the prawns front door. When the door is opened the crab walks straight in (and not sideways, in the normal crab gait). "There", says the girlfriend prawn, "I told you he was different to other crabs!". The crab whispers in her ear "Shut up, shilly. Can't you shee I am pished?".
MikeT
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a car. He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"
"A big fat black guy is dancing on the roof of an old Ford car."
"You can't say that over the radio!", replies the operator, "you have to use politically correct terminology."

"OK", he says:

"Zulu....Tango....Sierra!

++++++++++++++


My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.


+++++++++++++

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.
Irish woman: ''It's my (-expletive removed-) husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've (-expletive removed-) killed him!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''
*click* .. *BANG*
Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat .............. what next?'


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I bought a new lawn for my chickens.. it was impeccable

+++++++++++++

I was walking past my fridge last night, when I heard 2 onions singing a Bee Gees song, but when I opened the door it was just the chives talking

++++++++++++