Joke I found funny...

[Karata]

I bought my wife a sexy maids outfit in the hopes that it would help things in the bedroom.
Unfortunately it didn't work, the room is still a mess.

[CitroJim]

^^ <giggles>

[myglaren]

Reading some stuff on AI:

"Computers will understand sarcasm before Americans do"

[CitroJim]

Reading some stuff on AI:

"Computers will understand sarcasm before Americans do"

That's true of single celled amoebas too

[Karata]

I was banned from guitar class because of an inappropriate reaction to "let's practice your fingering technique”.

***

The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... God only knows what she was talking about!

[Karata]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts,"Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief. "I've spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could you kill these people in cold blood that way?"

The chief replied, "My bike."

[Sloppysod]

Man goes into Citroen Main Agent (Franchised dealer) and ask parts man for some LDS fluid.
" What car is it for?" asked the parts assistant
"2011, Citroen C5" says man
Parts man looks on computer and seems to stare at the screen with a blank look on his face
"I will go and speak with the Technician to see if we have any, what car is it for again?" says the part assistant.
" 2011, C5, small 1 litre bottle, orange colour"
After a while the part assistant comes back with a used Total LDS bottle, with a quarter of a litre in it and says "is this it?"
"Yes"
"Right we do not have any but I can get you some for Tuesday!!"

[Karata]

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 93, then died quietly in his sleep.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren......

... and a fifteen foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Karata]

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I said, "No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

[Karata]

DADS:

When I said to my father that I was old enough to drive he said: "Yes but the car is not."

"Go ask your brother what happened when he did that!"
"But we don't have a brother?!"
"Exactly!"

My dad desperately wanted to have a son; ended up having four girls in three and a half years. He jokingly called us "four misses".

[Karata]

Me and my flat chested girlfriend went to see a counselor today.
The counselor asked us: "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I’m too sarcastic."

[Hell Razor5543]

To the uninitiated, the boatyard  workshop can be an intimidating place. A place that is full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of some common workshop tools and their everyday uses. This is a short inventory of equipment that every well stocked boatyard workshop should have.
 
Drill Press:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your mug of tea across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 
Abrasive Wire Wheel:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers. All done in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,Merde."
 
Skill Saw:
Contrary to its name, this is a portable cutting tool often used to make all kinds of engineering studs too short.
 
Hand Pliers:
Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. This is an often bloodstained hand tool, used to begin the process of rounding off bolt heads. (see Mole Grips)
 
Belt Sander:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 
Hack Saw:
One of a large family of hand cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its direction, the more dismal your project becomes.
 
Mole-Grips:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. (See Hand Pliers)
 
Oxyacetylene Cutting Torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop which are not already on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the tiller hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
 
Table Saw:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood or metal projectiles for testing wall integrity.
 
Hydraulic Floor Jack:
Used for lowering a boat to the ground after you have installed your new tiller, whilst at the same time trapping the jack handle firmly under the base plate.

Second Hydraulic Floor Jack:
Used for lifting a boat off the ground to free the trapped jack handle from under the base plate.
 
Band Saw:
A large stationary power saw primarily used in most workshops to cut good steel stock. Usually into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
 
Two-Ton Engine Hoist:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect prior to beginning lifting operations.
 
Phillips Cross Cut Screwdriver:
Normally used to stab through vacuum seals and prising under paint tin lids. Also used for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used as the name implies, to strip out Phillips Screw heads.
 
Straight Flat Bladed Screwdriver:
A tool often used for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and at the same time butchering your palms.
 
Pry Bar:
A tool used to crumple and scratch any painted metal surrounding. Usually when removing a stubborn jubilee clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace the rusty cheap item with another non rusty cheap item.
 
Hose and Piper Cutter:
A tool generally used to make flexible hoses or fixed pipes too short for the available gap.
 
Ball Pein Hammer or Dudley Screwdriver:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts, located adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
 
Stanley Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes into workshop cleaning rags.  Usually achieved while the clothes are still in use.

The Electric Hand Drill:
This machine is used to spin pop rivets in a hole until the earth comes to an end. It will also spin out of whatever hole and make a crazy pattern on whatever you don't want marred faster than you can blink your eyes.
 
A B*stard Tool:
Any handy tool such as a metal file that you grab and throw across the workshop whilst at the same time yelling "B*stard” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need to continue with the job at hand. Also known as balm or mechanic's lube. Usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
 
Workshop Light:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under boats. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the apprentice can exchange them. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
 
Air Compressor:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Liverpool Boats that neatly rounds off their heads.
 
A Socket Set:
A precision engineered set of tools still supplied in Metric and Imperial sizes guaranteed not to fit any nut or bolt that requires urgent rotation. Whitworth Sockets were once used for working in older British workshops. They are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last hour.
 
Sump Plug Wrench:
A specialist and much sought after tool for enabling you to direct hot and dirty engine oil down your sleeve.
 
Hand Spanner:
Sometimes used as a colloquial term of derision. The hand spanner pretends to fit then will slip under maximum torque ensuring maximum damage to bolt heads rendering them knackered to the point that no other device will grip them. Also extremely good for damaging knuckles, often resulting in maximum blood loss and infection when mixed with grease and oil. (see Sump Plug Wrench) Damage = Torque squared i.e. (d) = (t)2 N.B. It is normally safe to fling spanners across the engine room. Only the curved ones will return according to Sod's law of the boomerang effect. (See Socket Set)
 
Circlip Pliers:
A specialist service tool for releasing captive circlips back into the wild.

First Aid Box:
Where the tea and coffee are usually kept.
 


Regards

[Karata]

A plane leaves Heathrow airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewishcaptain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "...don't like Chinese..."
"No like Chinese?", asks the co-pilot, "...why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no, no...", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence.
"I no like Jews!", the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic!", says the co-pilot.
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!", exclaims the captain. "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg,... no mattah... all same!"

[MikeT]

What a rip-off "scotch eggs" are.
Not one tasted of whisky.

[MikeT]

"You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF" Boasts their latest recruitment advertisment.

Well you can imagine my shock and indignation when I was frog-marched at gun point away from the Typhoon I tried to get in!