Joke I found funny...

[bobins]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

and in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent

[CitroJim]

^^ That one, Bobins, is a cracker!

[daviemck2006]

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Sent from my SM-T585 using Tapatalk

[jimmymarsbar]

Why men can't be agony "uncles".....

"Dear Barry,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband at home watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than half a mile down the road when the car conked out and shuddered to a halt. I walked back home and and couldn't believe my eyes when I found my husband in bed with our next door neighbour. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted the affair had been going on for 6 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant nearly a year ago and and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more. Can you help please.

Sincerely

Gladys"

---------------

"Dear Gladys,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance could be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check the grounding wires. If none of these approaches helps, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

Hope this helps

Barry"

[MikeT]

Did you hear about the Strong and Stable Tory Billlboard van?

It got blown over on the M6 http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/ho ... 76136.html

[MikeT]

[Stickyfinger]

[Stickyfinger]

[myglaren]

On Saturday morning I got up very early, quietly got dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the fishing gear and the dog and slipped quietly out into the garage.
I hooked the boat up to the truck and started to drive out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing at 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied,"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

[CitroJim]

Steve, I like it!

[myglaren]

Oddly enough very close to the reality of someone I know.

[daviemck2006]

Thought this was quite amusing
A Day in the life of a BMW Driver
"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

[myglaren]

Not a joke as such but a thread that I found highly amusing.

"Fridge Soup" here for brunch. This has pulled pork, chopped bratties, Paella, a little bit of roast chicken in it and various vegermetables. Most splendid, and an empty-ish fridge to boot.

Soup? That's all in stew.

Too watery for stew. The Paella rice starch gave it some body, but it's still a thin broth. Whether one calls it soup, stew, or Jessica, it was tasty

'brunch' -

Throw around the word 'luncheon' too and you're a shoo-in for VB's job.

Well it's 10.30 here, so in between breakfast and the aforementioned luncheon. I was Hank Marvin and this had been in the crock pot all night. Just the job.

It was 10:30 here too this morning, what a coincidence.

I think we're scheduled for another this evening too.

You get another 10:30am in the evening? How the feck does that work!

By you putting "am" in, apparently. Neither I nor @Bacongrills included "am"

No, but you both mentioned "morning", as in before luncheon so it's am not pm.

Why do I bother?

I had soup this morning at 1030hrs. EDT timezone. Message ends.

We should all revert to type and only use Zulu time (currently 15:03Z).

It'd keep the pedantic happy.

If you're getting another 10:30 am in the evening your clock is fûcked.

Racist

I'm a Zulu you ****ing bigot!

[myglaren]

Military scientists from the Royal Navy built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airlines and military jets all travellng at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the cockpit/windshields.

American Military engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new fighter plane. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American military.

When the gun was fired, the American engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof cockpit, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilots seat back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cockpit like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Americans sent the Royal Navy the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the cockpit and begged the British for suggestions.

The Royal Navy responded with a one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken..

[Hell Razor5543]

There was a gentleman called Gerald Cardew who was well known in the field of air guns. One such air gun he did help develop was to test how well jet engines (and other parts of a jet aircraft) stood up against the impact of chickens (dead, but NOT frozen) fired at them. He also went on to develop the Sportsmatch GC2 precharged pneumatic air rifle (which was, at its' time, the most accurate air rifle in the world).

http://topguns.ru/gallery/user/b/e/e1c4 ... 1adf82.jpg