Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

From ARRSE but probably originated elsewhere:

From 'Eats, s**t & Leaves' by A. Parody (2004).

The Complete Rules of Good Writing (I & II)

A writer should not annoy half of his readers by using gender-specific language.
Always finish what you star.
Avoid overuse of ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Always avoid annoying alliteration.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
A writer should not shift your point of view.
Avoid clichés like the plague - they're so old hat.
Be more-or-less specific.
Consult the dictionary frequently to avoid mispeling.
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Do not use, unnecessary, commas.
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
Do not use hyperbole; not even one in a million can do it effectively.
Don't repeat yourself and avoid being repetitive.
Don't use no double negatives. The double-negative is a no-no.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
'Don't use unattributed quotations.'​

And remember,

"No one is listening until you make a mistake." - Anon.
"No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft." - H.G.Wells
"Lo(o)se slips shrink lips." - Dunservin​

[Hell Razor5543]

Vladamir Putin has ordered the First National Bank of the Russian Federation to launch a competitor to the American Express Card. It has the same benefits, it looks very similar, and the logo is typically Russian.

"Russian Express Card. Don't leave home!".

[myglaren]

Not a joke exactly.
Been with daughter #2 and most of our family (lots of them)
Granddaughter Emma has lovely long red hair.

They were out for a walk and larking around when grandson William pushed Emma over.
Looking up from the floor she asked "What was that for"?

"Now your Ground Ginger"! says Will.

[Hell Razor5543]

LoL.

The first time I saw the film "The Magnificent Seven" I was watching it on TV with my Mum and younger brother Alex. At one point one of the characters storms off after a bit of a rant. A different character asks another character "What's eating him?". Quick as a flash Alex said "Moths!".

[CitroJim]

"Now your Ground Ginger"! says Will.

That's actually very funny and cute Steve Brought a smile to my face

[daviemck2006]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] sorry all my blondie friends [emoji23][emoji23]

Sent from my SM-T585 using Tapatalk

[ragger]

It's impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things, literally.

[ragger]

The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1 just outside Newcastle early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

[CitroJim]

Rob, two good 'uns

[MikeT]

If I win the lottery, I'm going to start a business in the Indian Service provider sector and locate their call-centre in Newcastle.
See how they like it!

[Apologies to Geordies, nothing personal]

[CitroJim]

If I win the lottery, I'm going to start a business in the Indian Service provider sector and locate their call-centre in Newcastle.
See how they like it!

Poetic justice I call it

[myglaren]

If I win the lottery, I'm going to start a business in the Indian Service provider sector and locate their call-centre in Newcastle.
See how they like it!

[Apologies to Geordies, nothing personal]

I had to call BT a few years ago and was passed to one of their Indian call centres. After a while the problem was resolved and the man I was speaking to asked "How's the weather down there in Washington"?
Needless to say I was rather surprised until he explained that I had been passed back from India to the call centre in Longbenton, Newcastle.
Oddly enough one of my sons used to work there He doesn't have a Geordie accent either!

[daviemck2006]

ODE TO THE PENIS [emoji23]
A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.
It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.
It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.
During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.
But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?
Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.
They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!
Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.
It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!
But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.
And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

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[myglaren]

[CitroJim]

I don't get it

A lot of these so-called funny memes as often seen on farcebook go right over my head... Must be me but a lot of them I find about as funny as a dose of 'flu