Joke I found funny...

[daviemck2006]

BLACK PANTIES
Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Jane says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as does he. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit...except that he has a black condom over his erection. She looks at him and asks,
"What's with the black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

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[bobins]

The simple, Scandinavian designed border wall (with a 5 year guarantee) is primarily made of pressboard with a birch effect and can be assembled with the help of a hex key. A 12,000 page instruction manual with easy-to-understand pictures makes construction child’s play – as long as there is not a single screw missing.

“However, assembly requires two people: one person can hold the wall while the second screws it together”, it states in IKEA’s offer.
The basic model of the wall is 33ft (10 m) tall and 1,954 miles (3,144 km) long, although the height and length can be extended as desired.

IKEA has already announced that it will design other products in the next few weeks that will be compatible with “Börder Wåll”. According to inside sources, this includes products such as the “Gåwk” watchtower and the “Råtåtåtåtåtå” spring-gun.

[CitroJim]

^^^

Excellent!

[daviemck2006]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. Eventually they are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it".

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[Hell Razor5543]

Some rabbits escape from a research laboratory. When they make it out into the countryside they encounter s warren of wild rabbits. One of the wild rabbits asked where they came from, and the eldest of the research rabbits explains that they have escaped from the lab. He then asks if there is anything to eat, and the wild rabbits show them where there is good food (and explain that, if there is nothing good to eat, they could always eat some grass (which the lab rabbits had thought was carpet)). Then the wild rabbits ask if they have met any female rabbits, and (after finding the lab rabbits had not) introduces them to some female rabbits.

All is going well at first, but one day the eldest of the lab rabbits says "It is no good, I have got to go back". The rest of the lab rabbits are aghast, pointing out that they have freedom, good food that ACTUALLY tastes great, and lovely company (and some of the wild female rabbits join in, trying to dissuade him). Despite all of this he says his mind is made up, and he has to go back. Eventually one rabbit asks him why, with all they have where they are? He looks at them, and says;

"I'm dying for a cigarette!".

[daviemck2006]

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like I am going to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're s**t' all over the bed!

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[Hell Razor5543]

Two gentlemen (with a longstanding friendship) are avid golfers. As they are both retired, they arrange to go on a golfing trip around the UK. At one location they are reading up on the course, and they find that there is warning of a difficult bunker at the eleventh hole. When they get to the eleventh, the first gentleman (let us call him Stephen) tees off, and his ball flies beautifully down the fairway. However, when his friend (Richard) tees off he puts a bit of a slice onto the ball, and it disappears from view into a bunker. As they head off up the fairway this bunker is nearer than Stephens' ball, so that is where they go.

This is not a normal bunker, but more a pit from Hell. The sides are almost vertical, there is gorse and brambles all around, and it looks like the sun never penetrates the depths. They look around from the brim, but cannot see any sign of the ball. Richard carefully makes his way into the gloom (taking his sand wedge with him), and starts looking around. After a while he sees a ball, and, when he gets close, he is amazed to see that it is his ball, and he can get a clear swing at it. Then he notices, off to one side, an ancient golf ball, possible antique, and probably worth some money. As he leans back to catch his breathe, he catches something out off the corner of his eye, so he has a look. What he sees is a skeleton, in Edwardian style golfing clothes, clutching a sand wedge, and tangled up in some gorse.

Richard calls up to his friend "Stephen, are you there?".
Stephen answers "Yes, I am still here. Why?".
"I have got a big problem down here"
"Oh, what is the problem?"
"Please can you pass me down my 9 iron. You cannot get out of here with a sand wedge."

[ragger]

Patience is what you get when there are too many witnesses.

[myglaren]

[Deanxm]

Best told with visual aids, by the man who created it, its old, but arent the old ones always the best?


D

[daviemck2006]

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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[myglaren]

Was giving a friend a driving lesson yesterday and I told her to depress the clutch so she looked down and said everybody likes the brakes and the accelerator is better than you.

[myglaren]

I'm struggling to overcome the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'.

It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away,

[CitroJim]

^^

[Stickyfinger]

The BEST joke teller EVER.many will know these but they are always worth a new listen.