Joke I found funny...

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daviemck2006
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by daviemck2006 »

While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”

At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

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Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Oh to be a fly on the wall at THAT supper time!
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Priceless :lol:
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Subject: Fw: History re-written by kids




The following were answers provided by 10 year olds during history

tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humour is in the

misspelling.


1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in

hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the

Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.


2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made

unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten Commandments. He died

before he ever reached Canada.


3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.


4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we

wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a

female moth.


5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people

advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.


6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,

and threw the java.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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Re: Joke I found funny...

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:rofl2:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
That is priceless :rofl2: If they wrote in hydraulics then they must, by extension, have driven Citroens....
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daviemck2006
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by daviemck2006 »

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by bobins »

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at
them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side I must ask you what
you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: "What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard
work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was
lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a
seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been
lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal
American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her
a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by daviemck2006 »

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in' number!" And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong" number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a**hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called a**hole #1.

"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" I said, but I didn't hang up.
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A**hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don, and you'd better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole," and hung up.

Then I called a**hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, a**hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick you're a**," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

Anger management really works.

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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

LOL. What a great story!
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Fake Concern »

Today I told someone that she'd drawn her eyebrows on way to high..........she looked surprised
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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Fake Concern wrote:Today I told someone that she'd drawn her eyebrows on way to high..........she looked surprised
:lol:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

To market to market with my brother Tim
somebody slung a tomato at him at him
now tomatoes are round and come in a skin
but this one didn't it came in a tin
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

myglaren wrote:
To market to market with my brother Tim
somebody slung a tomato at him at him
now tomatoes are round and come in a skin
but this one didn't it came in a tin
:rofl2: Love it :)