Joke I found funny...

[Karata]

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face...

'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

[CitroJim]

^^ to all that above on the Vodka cake!

[Hell Razor5543]

What is the worst phrase a Commanding Officer (in a conflict situation) can hear from his Tactical Planning Officers?




"We never expected them to do THAT!"

[Karata]

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

[Stickyfinger]

What's the difference between jogging & Jamie Oliver?

One is a pant in the country..............

[myglaren]

DON'T READ THIS




























IT'S A VIRUS

[CitroJim]

What's the difference between jogging & Jamie Oliver?

One is a pant in the country..............

But...

If you pant when jogging then you're not fit...

[jimmymarsbar]

I was going to tell you a joke about my manhood, but it's too long....

[daviemck2006]

I heard some sad news today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

Sent from my SM-G361F using Tapatalk

[CitroJim]

[myglaren]

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: " I didn't recognize you."

[myglaren]

According to "Tetley", the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning I slap her backside and say.... "Two sugars, Fatty"

[Stickyfinger]

snort !

[myglaren]

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

[CitroJim]