Joke I found funny...

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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

^^ :rofl:
Karata
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

A condom factory burns down in the States (the largest one). President Obama is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh ****! The economy will never be able to cope with all the unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea.... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Justin Trudeau and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us Americans".

Three days later, a delighted President Obama runs out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He finds five million condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, just as
requested..... all coloured red and white with small writing on each one: 'MADE IN CANADA - SIZE MEDIUM'.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

:rofl2:
Karata
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

A man is driving past a mental hospital when he gets a flat tire. He goes out to change the tire, and sees that one of the patients is watching him through the fence.

Nervous, trying to work quickly, he jacks up the car, takes off the wheel, puts the lug nuts into the hubcap and steps on the hubcap, sending the lug nuts clattering into a storm drain.

The mental patient is still watching him through the fence. The motorist desperately looks into the storm drain, but the lug nuts are gone. The patient is still watching.

The motorist paces back and forth, trying to think of what to do, and the patient says, "Take one lug nut off each of the other tires, and you'll have three lug nuts on each"

"That's brilliant!" says the motorist, "what's someone like you doing in an asylum?"

"I'm here because I'm crazy" says the patient, "not because I'm stupid."
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daviemck2006
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Re: RE: Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by daviemck2006 »

Karata wrote:A man is driving past a mental hospital when he gets a flat tire. He goes out to change the tire, and sees that one of the patients is watching him through the fence.

Nervous, trying to work quickly, he jacks up the car, takes off the wheel, puts the lug nuts into the hubcap and steps on the hubcap, sending the lug nuts clattering into a storm drain.

The mental patient is still watching him through the fence. The motorist desperately looks into the storm drain, but the lug nuts are gone. The patient is still watching.

The motorist paces back and forth, trying to think of what to do, and the patient says, "Take one lug nut off each of the other tires, and you'll have three lug nuts on each"

"That's brilliant!" says the motorist, "what's someone like you doing in an asylum?"

"I'm here because I'm crazy" says the patient, "not because I'm stupid."
That's very true actually, having twice been there personally. However I'm not crazy now (I think) (maybe) (don't know really) [emoji12] [emoji23]

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CitroJim
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Re: RE: Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

daviemck2006 wrote:
Karata wrote:
"That's brilliant!" says the motorist, "what's someone like you doing in an asylum?"

"I'm here because I'm crazy" says the patient, "not because I'm stupid."
That's very true actually, having twice been there personally. However I'm not crazy now (I think) (maybe) (don't know really) [emoji12] [emoji23]

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Ditto. But some would argue that I'm both crazy and completely mad... Most people think I am and at least one describes me as mental :lol:

I tend to agree with all of that. Most people's opinions of my mental health are more based on my athletic activities than my Citroen activities but they too come in for remark and are very much taken into consideration, as is the general way I conduct my life...

I'm happy and content. I know I'm a complete nut-job and the fact I know and accept that is how it is makes it quite OK. It's when you're unhinged and deny it that trouble ensues...
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

• DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

• EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

• EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

• FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

• INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

• IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

• NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

• SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

• ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

• LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

• LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Sime time back a travelling sales rep called into a bar for a meal and a drink. He saw a sign that said "Whoever can cheer up the donkey in the back yard will win $1,000" He wanders into the back yard, and sees a donkey that looks so miserable it would make Eeyore look positively comedic. He had a quick word with it, and then wandered back into the bar, and went up to the barman. "I think you owe me $1,000" he says. The barman checks in the yard, to see the donkey is laughing so hard it is struggling to breathe, and is in serious danger of splitting its' sides. The barman hands over the money.

Today that same salesman called into the same bar. There is a similar sign on the bar. The rep reads it. It says "Whoever can STOP the donkey in the back yard from laughing will win $1,000". He wanders into the yard, has a word with the donkey, and then goes back into the bar and goes up to the barman. "While I think you owe me another $1,000, I think you may need it for drainage, so I won't push for it". The barman takes a look into the yard. The donkey has stopped laughing, and is now crying so hard the yard has an inch of water already. The barman, being an honourable man, hands over the $1,000 and asks "What did you do?" "Well, last time I was here I told the donkey that Donald Trump was running for President of the USA. Today I told him that Donald Trump had just won the election".
Last edited by Hell Razor5543 on 22 Dec 2016, 21:38, edited 1 time in total.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

:rofl2: James, that's brilliant!!!
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

What worries me now is what will happen in the future. I can see it now.

"Russia, China and India have found that there is evidence of large scale intimidation in the USA Presidential Elections, and refuse to acknowledge the legitimacy of these elections. They demand that Donald Trump stands down, and will enforce sanctions against the USA if he does not. Donald Trump says that this is proof the rest of the world is against him. Even Robert Mugabe speaks up, saying that Zimbabwe will not recognise the result of the elections".
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Karata »

An Arabic family were considering putting their grandfather Abdullah into a nursing home. But as all the Arabic facilities were completely full they had to put him in an Australian home. After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit grandpa Abdullah ...

How do you like it here? asks the grandson.

It's Great! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful says grandpa ...

We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else ...

Oh no! Let me tell you about how respectful they treat the residents ... says Abdullah with a big smile ...

There's a musician in here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro'

There is a judge in here. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'

There's a dentist here. He's 90 years old who hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'The Doctor'

As for me ... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The f*cking Arab'
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

:lol:
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daviemck2006
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by daviemck2006 »

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pic
k the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now s**t shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by superloopy »

Nice one daviem, on-topic as well :rofl2:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

^You are Keith Floyd and I claim my £5.