Joke I found funny...

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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

James, I like :lol:
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

I might like it eventually, just waiting to see.
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

:rofl2:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

Got invited to a Bar-B-Q the weekend.
Was great fun until some bloke in an orange apron walked right up to me and asked if I wanted decking....

Lucky I got in the first punch in is all I can say.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Quasimodo asks the bishop for a couple of weeks holiday, so that he and Esmeralda can have a holiday at the seaside. The bishop agrees, and advertises for a temporary replacement. The only applicants are twin brothers, both of whom have crippled arms. The bishop asks them to show they can do the job before he will discuss anything more (as he is not convinced they could do the job).

All three of them head off up to the belfry. The bishop asks the first brother to ring the main bell. The applicant backs off, lowers his head, and runs at the bell. When he hits it, it makes a beautiful sounds, and starts swinging. The applicant staggers around, stunned, until the bell swings back and hits him, knocking him out of a belfry window. The second brother then says "My go", and does exactly the same as his brother (also ending up going out of the same window). The shocked bishop then heads downstairs.

As he is standing by the bodies, a deacon comes up, looks at the bodies, points at the first one, and says "Who is that?". The bishop replies "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell". The deacon then points at the second body, and the bishop responds "I don't know his name either, but he is a dead ringer for his brother".
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

I am feeling really chuffed with myself. I managed to complete a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle in 3 weeks. When I told my brother, he was not impressed, and asked why I was so happy with that. I told him that, according to the details on the box, it was supposed to take 3 to 5 years.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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Hell Razor5543 wrote:I am feeling really chuffed with myself. I managed to complete a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle in 3 weeks. When I told my brother, he was not impressed, and asked why I was so happy with that. I told him that, according to the details on the box, it was supposed to take 3 to 5 years.
:rofl2:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Hell Razor5543 wrote:Have you heard the latest conspiracy theory? It turns out that there are no conspiracy theories, but the conspiracy theorists are trying to cover this conspiracy theory up!
I am proud of this joke. I genuinely made it up. I was with family, and I wanted to see a friend who lived nearby (but is somewhat paranoid; convinced she is being watched by various authorities), but she was not up to visitors (according to her daughter). I came up with this one, and while the daughter nearly fell about laughing the mother was not (at that time, anyway) impressed.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

That's very good James and actually true ;)

Conspiracy theories are complete bollocks without exception...
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

In the middle of a country park was a statue of a young couple. The statue had been there for ages, through everything that nature could throw at them. One day a passing wizard saw them, and decided to do something nice. He summoned all his power, and cast a spell. After the smoke had cleared, the couple were standing there, looking startled.

The wizard said "I have managed to bring you to life, but the spell will only last for 30 minutes or so, however during this time you can do anything you want".

The couple looked at each other, grinned, and headed off behind a nearby bush. There was various interesting noises, giggles, chuckles, and so on. After 15 minutes they came back out from behind the bush, looking flushed and happy. The wizard said "You have only used half of your time. You can do anything you want for another 15 minutes".

They looked at each other and grinned again. She then said "Ok, lets, but this time YOU hold down the pigeon while I s**t on it!".
Last edited by Hell Razor5543 on 02 Mar 2017, 15:56, edited 1 time in total.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

James, best joke you’ve ever posted!

Love it and it made me :rofl2:
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Poachin' Fish

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.

I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.

After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.

They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.

"Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

One for Alasdair, with his chickens.

One day a sales rep was travelling at average speed along the motorway to his next stop (lunch) when something small overtakes him. As he was already travelling a bit quickly this surprised (and irritated) him, and so he floored it. When he caught up he saw that its was a chicken, travelling at well over 100MPH. This did surprise him a bit, so he decided to follow it. After a fair distance it came off the motorway, headed down an A road, then onto a country lane (into the middle of nowhere), and then into a farm yard. When the sales rep stopped and got out, he saw that there were a lot of chickens blurring around the yard. He went and knocked on the farmhouse door, and when the lady answered the door, he asked what was going on.

"Well, as you can see we are a long way from the nearest town, so we haven't got any utilities. This means that, amongst other things, we don't have a fridge or freezer. The problem is that when we have Sunday lunch we all want to have a drumstick, but (as there are only three of us living here) this means that we may get some wastage. My son, who is very clever, managed to breed three legged chickens" she responded.

"What do they taste like?" the rep asked.

"If you can let us borrow your car we might find out. We haven't been able to catch any yet" was the reply.
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

The Ringtons man used to come round to me grannies house in a horse and cart like the one on the side of that van. Even after me parents moved to a posh council house with leccy lights and an indoor flush toilet, the Ringtons man still brought his horse and cart. Me dad didn't care much for the tea but he reckoned the horse s**t was good for his rhubarb.
I prefer custard on mine, but each to their own; who am I to Rhubarb grumble?
Not a joke as such, just a couple of post nicked from The NAAiFI bar :)
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Stickyfinger »

Young man was in a club and rather drunk when a much older woman, probably well into her 50's started coming on to him.

He was just thinking of a way to get rid of her when she whispered "Have you ever had a mother/daughter threesome?"

This perked him no end when she suggested they go back to her house to indulge. She opened her door and shouted.............







."Are you still awake Mum ???"