Joke I found funny...

[CitroJim]

Shamelessly nicked from FarceBook..

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

[CitroJim]

Husband and wife having a row..

"Just how do you manage to balls up so much in the space of one day?" rants the wife...

"I guess it's because I get up so early..." says the husband...

[ragger]

How do you give a geek a panic attack?




Take a deck chair and a flask and sit outside an Apple shop at midnight.

[CitroJim]

Rob, I like that

[ragger]

Teacher Arrested at Heathrow

It figures ……. it had to happen sooner or later.

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,” If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

[CitroJim]

Rob, that's quality... Loved it

[addo]

Madness echoed in one of the books by Tom Sharpe, where the police charged a clergyman with possession of a rubric. "...It's short for rubber prick. He uses it for genuflexion."

[ragger]

The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive,' George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl."

[CitroJim]

Quality!!!!

[ragger]

A skinny little Irishman gets into a lift, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says “I’m 7 feet tall, 19 stone, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown”.

The Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him around. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the Irishman says, “What did you just say to me”

The big black man says, "I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me......... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 19 stone, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.

The Irishman says: "Turner Brown'?!.... Sweet Mother of God, I thought you said, Turn around”!

PS: I do not support racial and national stereotypes and do not intend to cause offence. I also believe that too many people are only too anxious to take offence at the first opportunity.

[addo]

I sometimes yearn for the era when "PC" just meant a walloper.

[CitroJim]

I sometimes yearn for the era when "PC" just meant a walloper.

Or a Police Constable...

[addo]

That's what I meant. Don't you blokes use that term?

[CitroJim]

We rarely see a true PC these days on the beat Adam, they've been replaced in the main by PCSOs

Police Community Support Officers...

Back on-topic (sort of)..


I listened to an episode of 'All Gas and Gaiters' on Radio 4 Extra this morning... An episode from 1971. I ached with laughter...

So hilariously funny...

[Trainman]

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah! Cah! Cah!", not a single one could shout "Lorry! Lorry! Lorry!"