Joke I found funny...

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addo
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Post by addo »

A selection of responses to "Why did the chicken cross the road?" - my personal favourite being the Hemingway.

http://www.madore.org/~david/misc/chicken.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by addo »

A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.


The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asks the priest.
"I have committed adultery," she replies.
"How many times?" continues the priest.
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more," finishes the priest.
The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?"
"I have committed adultery."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more." The man leaves.
The rabbi tells the priest he thinks he's got it figured out now, so the priest leaves, and the rabbi waits until another woman enters the confessional, who says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do," asks the rabbi.
"I have committed adultery," she replies.
"How many times?"
"Twice."
"I tell you what," says the rabbi. "Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Yep, that'll do Adam. Gave me a right old chuckle :-D
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.........

I think it's a Jihaddy Long Legs....
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.​ ​

It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, . . ​

"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."​ ​
. . . . . . ​

Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line“, was not considered to be an appropriate response ………….​!
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Post by addo »

On the one occasion my Xantia required towing, I dyslexically misdialled the road service number and got suicide prevention ("Lifeline") instead. Truly. I didn't think it was that bad, even subconsciously. Transposition errors have got me into more than a few black humour spots; wrong addresses feature highly.

Today's humour came at the expense of my client. He insisted that the new sink be fitted loose under his supervision, then the mixer installed, then the sink fixed off. After the expected amount of faffing about, he conceded it might have been quicker if he'd listened to me instead of knowing it all. My response? "It's OK, I'm on hourly." :mrgreen:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Drove down to Sarfend in deepest, darkest Essex yesterday...

It reminded me of my favourite Essex Girl joke...

Said girl was involved in a car crash and was badly injured.

The Essex paramedics rushed to the scene and attended to her..

One asked 'Where you bleedin from love?'

'Romford...' she replied...
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

Guy calls up BMW dealer to complain about the 320 auto he just bought.

He says it's got a problem at night. It's fine in the daytime.
During the day, he selects "D" and it works just fine but....
At night, when he selects "N", it just won't go at all.

When the calldesk stops laughing, he says that's not the worst of it.
He was driving the other day and another car wanted to race him.

He selected "R" and his car shot backwards and hit the car behind!

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

Image
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

Blooming cold today wasn't it? Got a text from my wife this morning saying windows had frozen. I told her to pour some cool water on it. Now we need a new laptop.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Xaccers wrote:Blooming cold today wasn't it? Got a text from my wife this morning saying windows had frozen. I told her to pour some cool water on it. Now we need a new laptop.
Use Linux in future...
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

CitroJim wrote:
Xaccers wrote:Blooming cold today wasn't it? Got a text from my wife this morning saying windows had frozen. I told her to pour some cool water on it. Now we need a new laptop.
Use Linux in future...
then the joke wouldn't work
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by lexi »

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Xaccers wrote:
CitroJim wrote:
Xaccers wrote:Blooming cold today wasn't it? Got a text from my wife this morning saying windows had frozen. I told her to pour some cool water on it. Now we need a new laptop.
Use Linux in future...
then the joke wouldn't work
But Linux does :wink:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

CitroJim wrote:
Xaccers wrote:
CitroJim wrote: Use Linux in future...
then the joke wouldn't work
But Linux does :wink:
*Badumtiss* :wink: