Joke I found funny...

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Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

Jim & Edna are mental patients.

One day Jim jumps in the pool & stays on the bottom.

Edna dives in & saves him.

The Manager calls Edna into his office & says "I've got some good news & some bad news.

The good news is we're releasing you, as you're obviously sane saving another's life.

The bad news is Jim hanged himself in the bathroom.


"No" Edna said "thats where I put him to dry!"
Deanxm
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Post by Deanxm »

Bob was going to be married to Karen
So his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, Bob, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my Y fronts, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
This family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
Never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his boxer shorts and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!


She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
And I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Bob.[She said, 'Here, you try on mine !


Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.' :P
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Post by Deanxm »

Image
jack by Deanxm, on Flickr
MikeT
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Post by MikeT »

Surprised I hadn't heard this one before, a Christmas tale....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Post by MikeT »

Not a joke exactly but certainly funny if you hate cold-calls and nuisance tele marketing calls. WARNING, contains some adult language/themes.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
citroenesque
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Post by citroenesque »

Great stuff :lol:
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CitroJim
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Post by CitroJim »

Bloody excellent 8-) :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thoroughly enjoyed that one.. Thanks for posting it Mike :D
scratcher
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Joke I found funny

Post by scratcher »

A German gentleman approaches a woman for s*x. O.K. says the girl, it'l cost you £20 an hour. "It's goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"no problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off they go to the girl's flat, where theGerman produces four large large bed springs and a duck caller. "I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hands und knees ". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said to her hands and knees.
"Nowyou will get on your hans and knees". She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. "You vill please blow this kwaker as I make love to you" She finds this odd, but thinks it's harmeless (and the guy is paying).
She finds the s*x is fantistic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energentic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most senational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?"
"Ah", says the German....."Zat is ze...""" Four-sprung Duck technique"
Last edited by scratcher on 16 Dec 2010, 14:35, edited 1 time in total.
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Xaccers
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Post by Xaccers »

Read Aloud For Best Effect!!!


The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
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Post by pug_owner2002 »

Donald Duck's on a dirty weekend, calls reception & asks for condoms. Receptionist says shall I put them on your bill? "Don't be thuckin thupid I'd thuffocate!"
MikeT
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Post by MikeT »

I do like this one, stolen of a pug site....

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be in IT,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”"Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am”, replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my bleedin’ fault.”
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Post by MikeT »

Another blatant copy n paste...

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down..

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
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myglaren
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Post by myglaren »

Not a joke exactly but RL, snatched from another forum:
Cats can't impregnate rabbits
Ever since I was a small child I've held the theory that in the midst of their grief over John Lennon, the nurses at the hospital accidentally switched me with another newborn. These conversations are why.

Rather than incriminate the ignorant, I'll simply signify each relative with R.

R: Do you know what convergent evolution is?
Z: Yes.
R: It's where one animal evolves into another kind of animal, like a Chihuahua has turned into a rat.
Z: ...no.
R: It's true. They used to be dogs, but now they're a rodent.
Z: No.

R: How long can a woman be pregnant for?
Z: A normal pregnancy is between 37 and 42 weeks from the last period.
R: Could a woman be pregnant for over a year?
Z: ...no, why?
R: I had sex with this chick a year and a half ago and she's pregnant. I think it's mine.
Z: No.

R: I think The Golden Compass should have been banned.
Z: Why?
R: Because there are daemons in it. And I know that they're not evil, but it sounds like demon. I don't think children should be exposed to things that sound like other bad things.

R: Agh, Jews! I hate Jews.
Z: Excuse me?
R: They killed all those people in World War II.
Z: The Nazis killed Jews. The Jews were the victims.
R: ...really?

R: There was this stupid program on TV about Gypsies.
Z: What was stupid about it?
R: These people were calling themselves Gypsies!
Z: ...and?
R: That's like calling yourself an Elven Ranger.
Z: Um. Gypsies are an actual ethnic group.
R: No, they aren't. They're fantasy characters.

R: She was talking about God and, by God, she meant Jesus, because Mormons think Jesus was God. Which is bizarre.
Z: Jesus is God to Christians. You grew up Catholic, don't you know this?
R: Jesus wasn't God! It's just something weird Mormons made up.
Z: No. The majority of Christians believe in the Trinity. God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I think the difference with Mormons is that they believe they're separate.
R: Do you just make this stuff up?
Z: ...

R: Can a cat get a rabbit pregnant?
Z: No.
R: Are you sure? My cat keeps mounting my rabbit and now the rabbit's nipples are growing. I think the babies could be worth a lot of money.
Z: No.

R: My goldfish have all turned black! Do you think they're mutating?
Z: That sounds like ammonia burns. How frequently do you change their water?
R: I just changed the filter on their pump.
Z: Okay, you should change 25% of the water once a week.
R: I change the filter once a week.
Z: ...
R: Do you think that's a lot?
Z: When was the last time you changed the water?
R: Never.
Z: ...change the water.

R: The world is full of miracles that defy science and people don't even realize it.
Z: What do you mean?
R: Like grass! It keeps growing out of the ground, but the ground doesn't get any smaller.
Z: Grass isn't "eating" the dirt. It needs minerals from it, but it produces its own food from sunlight.
R: That's not possible.
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myglaren
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Post by myglaren »

A Real Woman:
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of Beer.
It's Beer that does all that s-hit.
Never mind
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The last 10p

Post by Deanxm »

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'