Joke I found funny...

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Fake Concern
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Fake Concern »

I'm sick of Christmas already!
every year I work my fingers to the bone to earn enough money to buy the kids expensive presents and what happens?
That fat f**ker with the beard gets all the credit!

still, it's my own fault for marrying her!
addo
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Post by addo »

Stolen from the Berlingo Forum...

OK folks, pour yourselves a stiff drink, this one’s gonna hurt….

An Irishman is on a cruise ship when he spots an attractive woman gazing into the sky on the poop deck one evening. He gathers up some courage to speak to her….
It’s a lovely evening he says, are you enjoying it?
Yes I am says the girl, but I was wondering what those stars are up there.
I’ve no idea says the Irishman but what if I go and ask the Captain, he’s sure to know.
So off he goes to find the Captain, and when he does he asks him what the stars are that the young lady was looking at.
Well says the Captain, that’s the constellation of Orion which contains the brightest star in the firmament which is called Sirius and it’s known as the dog star.

The Irishman goes back to the woman and says, I asked the Captain about those stars and this he what he told me.…..
It’s the constipation of O’Brian, and like a dog’s fart from the tightest arse it’s serious and permanent.
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Post by addo »

Not me! Although it is quite conceivably the sort of stupid thing I may have once done...

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-01-06/o ... ne/5186922" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Reminds me of a painfully true story from the early eighties.

We had a neighbour, about eight doors up the street, an MOD policeman at a nearby weapons factory.

He disappeared and there were police looking all over for him, they would regularly turn up and search his house. His wife claimed no knowledge of his whereabouts.
There was always washing hanging on two parallel lines in the garden.

They did catch him one day, took them four years though.
The washing was to hide him when he went for a smoke in the garden.
When the police rolled up, he would hide in the tumble dryer - he was over six feet tall but very skinny.

All he had done was to buy a new Granada then sell it while it was still on HP. Spent four years in jail.

When he came out, he left his wife and his daughter went to live with him, along with their six year old son - should have been jailed for that too.
Northern_Mike

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Northern_Mike »

How in the name of God does a 6ft tall man hide in a tumble drier?

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Xaccers
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

Northern_Mike wrote:How in the name of God does a 6ft tall man hide in a tumble drier?

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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Northern_Mike wrote:How in the name of God does a 6ft tall man hide in a tumble drier?
Never been able to work that out.

With difficulty, I imagine.
Northern_Mike

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Northern_Mike »

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-25618683" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

!!
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Yea, but have you seen Aussie top-loaders? they're not exactly small... Not hard to get into at all...
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Chris570
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Chris570 »

CitroJim wrote:
Yea, but have you seen Aussie top-loaders? they're not exactly small... Not hard to get into at all...
I sense a CXM challenge coming up
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Baguette »

Right... So... Naked hide and seek? Rad!
Northern_Mike

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Northern_Mike »

Naked hide and seek at the CXM? :O

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

Having an Irish mixed grill today!! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.

*Phone rings*
Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......

A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets, mate".....

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

A Scouser went to court accused of having intercourse with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a Scouser to put anything into a kitty!

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"

My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.

I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in strangeways.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell!
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

A nun grading papers
Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test. 

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They Have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in. 


1.   In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2.   ADAM And eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3.   LOTS Wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals. 
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. 

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandments was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol. 

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager. 
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. 
20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
--
No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Northern_Mike

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Northern_Mike »

At least they got 25 right..

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