Joke I found funny...

[addo]

Baa!

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[Xaccers]

Barry: Do you want to hear my Batman impression?
Dave: Go on then
Barry: Oh no! Kryptonite, the only thing that can weaken me!
Dave: That's Superman
Barry: Thanks, I've been practicing

[Bannedbiker]

With the rising cost of fuel a friend of mine has decided to find a solution.
He's imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and is hoping to start drilling for oil next week!!

[daviemck2006]

I was walking past the mental hospital last night and they were all chanting 13, 13, 13.

There's a high fence around it but I found a gap and peeped through to see what was going on and some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

They all chanted 14, 14, 14

[Gregg1100]

Five guys in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the driver.
"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your sergeant over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[CitroJim]

^^ So presumably a Pug 406 can carry 406 people then?

[addo]

No - either four, or six.

[Xaccers]

No - either four, or six.

4 in the car but you'd have to show there are 6 of you actually travelling.
It's 4 O' 6 remember?

[Hell Razor5543]

A guy was driving in the countryside when he had a puncture. He got the car jacked up, got the old wheel off, lined up the spare, and then found he had lost the wheel nuts. Whilst looking for them he heard somebody ask "What's the problem?" The driver looked round to see that, standing behind a security fence, there was a man wearing a strait jacket (and a notice on the fence stating it was a mental institution). Well, the driver was a bit startled, but explained what the problem was. The other man suggested taking one nut off each of the other wheels, and using them to secure the spare wheel, allowing him to get home (where he could order replacements). The driver expressed surprise that the other man could come up with this idea. "Hey", said the other man, "I'm crazy, but not stupid!".

[Hell Razor5543]

A different guy was also driving in the countryside when his car cut out. Nothing he could do would get it to start. He could not find what the problem was; there was enough fuel, the starter motor was turning the engine over properly, the filters looked clean (and the car was properly maintained). While he is scratching his head he hears somebody ask "What's the problem, mate?". Without looking up from the engine he explains what happened. "Blocked fuel line" comes the suggestion, "Pop it off, and blow down it the wrong way, see if that clears it". The guy does this, and, sure enough, some crud comes out of the pipe. Reconnecting it, he finds the engine starts up and runs sweetly. He looks around to say thanks, and sees a bay horse looking at him in an interested way, and a grey horse in the distance, grazing, but nobody nearby.

The guy drives off, and a short way up the road comes across a proper village pub. He stops for a drink, and tells the landlord his tale. "You were lucky" said the landlord, "If it were the grey horse you'd have been there ages. He knows nothing about cars".

[CitroJim]

I do enjoy vintage jokes James....

[Trainman]

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[Hell Razor5543]

A Russian couple, Pietrov and Katerin, went out for a walk. Looking up, Pietrov said "I think it is going to rain". His wife also looked up, but she said "No, it is going to snow". Pietrov insists it is going to rain, while Katerin is equally insistent that it was going to snow. This argument continues as they carry on walking into town. When they get to the town square, Pietrov says "Look, there is Rudolf the commissionaire. He is famous for his weather sense. We should ask him". They do so, and Rudolf looks up at the sky. He then sniffs deeply a couple of times, and then inhales through his wide open mouth. After a few moments he makes the pronouncement, "It is going to rain". Pietrov turns to his wife and says "See, even Rudolf know it is going to rain", in the tone that this should settle the argument. They then carry on with their walk. Unfortunately Katerin is still not convinced, and after a few minutes says "It IS going to snow". Well, this really irritates Pietrov, and he turns to Katerin and shouts

"Listen. Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

Time to look for somewhere secure to hide from the forum.

[Xaccers]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.

[CitroJim]

Starter:

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association.

Main Course:


The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals, and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants. Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw. "What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!" "Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

Pudding:

Psychiatrist to patient: "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only think you are."